Feeling as I do right now, it is neither wise nor advisable to be writing here. However, I need to say something in order to puncture my own silence and thus make it a little easier to come back when my words are going to come out bearing some semblance of order.
Sometimes it feels as though I am surrounded by a force field that will only allow people to get within a certain radius. Any closer, and they become a risk. One which I find so frightening.
Yet, it's not others who are the risk... It is me. It is the way I will feel or react. It is the terrible prospect that I will accept something that should be unacceptable.
My therapist (unaffectionately referred to as 'the woman') feels miles and miles away from me, particuarly when we are sitting in the same room.
Today somebody told me that it is not she who is far away, it's me.
Projection - The name of this phenomenon.
I feel something so strongly that I imagine that the therapist is feeling that way. (Please correct me if I'm wrong)
So, because I am bent double with the frustration at my own attitude ad behvoiurs, I assume that it is in fact HER feeling the frustration and anger.
If I feel that she can't ever help me and that she feels at a loss as to what to do with me, then, the theory of projection propounds that it is in fact, ME who is feeling those things about myself, not her.
So.
I'm in a difficult situation.
Does projection rule out the possibility that perhaps she really DOESN'T know how to help me? Does it mean that there is no longer such a thing as an objective reality?
I am ovewhelmed by both my options.
1. To keep going to see her.
2. To give up.
Both seems to lead to the same barren place.
Thursday, 22 October 2009
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The truth is that now you recognize the problem is your feelings it is time for you to try and change it. This is a part of the healing process. You now recognize it! Today is a day to be thankful. You are one step closer to healing. Remember, one step at a time. Do not let the enemy (satan) trap you into thinking you can not heal and you should not go back to your therapist. Those are lies. Today's hope lies in the one thing you recognize for today. Hang in there and know there is someone praying for you.
ReplyDeleteandrea
Talk to your therapist about these feelings. They are normal, and that is the only way that she can help you to break through that barrier. Don't give up! Therapy is a great place to begin working on building relatioships with people because it is safe as long as you have a good level of trust with her. You are worth healing. You will be in my thoughts:)
ReplyDeleteFor years I was the outsider. I never looked any closer. I projected that Iam the outsider because what I knew about myself I considered the others which actually never have met me ro hardly know me, would feel about myself like I felt about myself with all this shameful knowledge about me. Obviously they couldnt know. It took me years to figure that. Even now I enter a room as outsider but within a few minutes I realised my projection starts again and I can stop by now. each time it gets easier. I agree when you know the problem you can address it. I wouldnt say it is easy but the place I was in wasnt easier either. Warm safe hugs. Paula
ReplyDeleteHi-
ReplyDeleteI think you are doing amazing work evidenced by this insightful, honest post about obstacles you are facing. Projection is quite normal in relationships and wqith a therapist it is very normal given the depth of trust necessary. ALso, there is always transference which is a type of projection as well. These are ALL healthy signs that therapy IS working - keep on keeping on. :-)
Love and hope
Gail
peace.....
when I read your post I thought 'this girl is really intelligent, she's beginning to open her eyes'.... and you know, that really is the first step in healing! You should actually be proud of yourself for this insight, even though I know it's both scary and painful. don't give up on therapy, it's in therapy your work continues!
ReplyDeletexx
Just wanted to say thanks to all you guys who have replied.
ReplyDeleteI am often totally overwhelmed by the responses that you give here...
When I started blogging.. I just had no idea...
Andrea - Thank you for finding hope where I can't.
I take comfort that someone is praying for me, though how I feel about God and all the humdrum that is associated with that, is a different and complicated matter.
I know God and I have walked away.
That makes me pretty bloody irredeemable I'd say.
It's not even God... It's church and Christianity and the nice bright shiny smile and all the things I don't have energy for anymore...
I need to write about this but it has felt too hard.
Thank you for your encouragement.
Angel - I so apprecite your words.
It sounds like you know what you are talking about...
I'm not sure I trust her or what is going on in therapy.
Trust is the hardest thing... For most of us I guess... I really don't feel safe though... Not at all.
Thank you so much for your thoughts.
Paula - Thank you for your hugs.
I'm so glad that knowing about the things you project has helped you in the way you feel when you are with others. Feeling like an outsider sounds incredibly lonely.
Thank you for sharing a little of your experience.
I hope that in time, I will be able to say that I can recognise when this projection stuff is happening, although, at the moment, I am finding it hard to believe that it is only ME who feels the way I do in the therapy room...
Gail - You sound as though you know a lot about this kind of thing and so I am trying my best to believe you when you say that something is working... It sure as hell doesn't feel like it though.
I have heard of transference too.
"The Woman" once explained something to me about that when I thought that she was feeling disgusted and angry. Apparently, that wasn't her... it was my mum.
I'm not entirely sure about anything right now... but I do know that I appreciate your ongoing kindness.
Thank you x
Zan - When I read your comment I had to re-read my post to see what it was that you heard that made you think the things you described... And, I couldn't see it but, as with Gail, I know I need to try to trust in people who seem to see things that I don't.
I don't feel like I'm beginning to open my eyes, but perhaps your vision is better than mine right now.... To be honest, given that part of me wants to squeeze them so tightly shut, tht would not come as a surprise!!
Thank you so much Zan.