Tuesday, 4 December 2012

No rest... for the Anorexic.

BMI 16.8
42 kg

This is hard.
I'm growing. More, I've GROWN. 
(Groan.    I do.)

It's getting easier to eat the food on the unit.
I'm not feeling the intensity of the agony I was. I rarely end a meal and feel like hanging myself from the shower rail (which, incidentally, is magnetic for just that reason).

Now it's OFF the unit that the problems occur.

I have weekend home leave fortnightly. 
It would be weekly if I didn't lose weight every time.
I TRY. I really do. But I panic and I walk around a lot and eat fairly 'light' meals and feel triumphant if I manage to keep my head so busy that my body 'forgets' that it has missed a snack.

Exercise remains a HUGE issue for me.

I NEED to get past this.

As I was on one of my walks the other day (I'm allowed three twenty minute walks nowadays) it occurred to me that I can restore my weight to a BMI of 20 - 25 and still be a slave to exercise, a slave to the thoughts which perpetually torment me the minute I have to sit down for a second longer than 'rest' is enforced for. 
I can restore my weight without ever challenging myself to eat pizza or drink wine or eat ice cream or pasta or ciabatta or gnocchi or avocado or any of those things that terrify me.

I could well walk out of this hospital, a picture of health; the epitome of 'normal'; cheeks glowing, hair shiny, eyes sparkling; vitamin B, C and D radiating from every pore... and still be utterly horrified at anything more than a sprinkling of carbs across my week, and COMPLETELY unable to even contemplate something like takeaway.

I HAVE to challenge myself with these foods or I will never overcome the fears I have.

And yet.

I feel helpless when it comes to even sitting in the hairdressers for a couple of hours. 
Today it nearly made me cry that I had to sit down for so long.

If I could kill this illness, I'd want to torture it first.
Torture it like it tortures me and all the girls here.


  1. Hello love - holding you in prayer and light during this blessed season of miracles and hope.
    Love Gail

  2. Holding you up through what maybe a difficult time for you.

  3. I hear you, restoring health physically is one immense challenge...but the battle to psychologically is an entirely different matter. You are a survivor xxx

  4. Hey Wondering.....it's been awhile. I thought about you today. Not sure why but knew....I had to stop by....let you know you're in my thoughts. Still routing for you...and still believing that you're gonna make it. Glad you're in a somewhat safe place....and you are growing....and changing. Every year when my girls put on last years pj's...and they are amazed that the pants are up around their ankles....we all laugh. It's evidence of their growth even though we never saw them actually grow. And you're the same....you're growing...changing...albeit slowly...it's happening. Praying and believing for your total freedom!!!

  5. Gail - Thank you so much, as always, for listening to me and praying for me.
    Really hope you are well. x

    Wanda - Bless you and thank you for holding me up.

    Beautifully Random - Thanks for stopping by and for hearing me. It's good to be heard. I hope I'm a survivor. It doesn't feel like it right now... Maybe one day.

    Sarah - So good to hear from you. I'm touched that you thought of me. I think of you too... especially when I'm running through woods. Not that I can do that at the moment. Might be some time...
    Thank you for your prayers and your belief. I so need that right now. Can't even tell you just how much.
    Love hearing about the girls.

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