Add to this the tide of lethargy that ebbs away at the desire to even attempt to find a voice, and the contrasting sense of compulsion to never sit still (thus burning calories almost constantly) and you have the ingredients for a pretty hit and miss blog.
Due to a binge session which my body won't allow me to purge, no matter how far my fingers get down my throat, I am battling the urge to just tear my stomach open and pull the food out by some twisted, self performed C-section type thing...
I am, as of next week, beginning a program of re-feeding at a new Eating Disorders Unit.
The terror I feel is pretty much indescribable, but the backlash against the inevitable weight gain has been drastic.
I never knew my weight could drop so fast once past a certain weight.
I now fall into the "critical" category with a BMI that puts me at very high risk.
With a body that is so weak and painful, I find it almost unbelievable that I STILL fear gaining weight... I don't know if I will ever understand how on earth my thinking has become SO WARPED, so disillusioned, that death seems to be the ever-so-slightly preferable option over watching the numbers on the scales increase.
At this point though, understanding hardly matters and in reality, the agony of my family is my greatest concern.
A part of me is looking for recovery, still trying to cling to hope, desperate for balance and normality.
I've bought SELF HELP books on eating disorders for goodness sakes.
I'm not a self help book person. In fact, generally, the trite, over simplified advice given in them, kills me... that or the fact that an equal number of books which profess to improve you, your life, relationships, memory, income, confidence, whatever, are written by people who learned to write alliterative lists of rehashed proverbs.
Reflecting today, I realised that this blog is less and less 'A Journey Through Therapy' and has (excuse the pun) been devoured by my eating disorder.
It seems that, for the time being, it will now centre around the struggles of 'recovery' (albeit, merely a notional reality for me).
With all this in mind, I apologise to anyone who has been misled with regards to the content herein.
I have considered starting another, more appropriately titled space, but realised one blog was hard enough to manage. The Woman still wants to see me weekly, if this is possible and so I will still be charting aspects of what goes on in The Little House In The Woods.
I guess in some ways, I will be examining the effects of both CBT and psychoanalytic therapy and just how effective and useful they are for me, and perhaps, for others in similar situations.