I have friends in Cornwall and, in need of a change of scene, I packed my little car and headed South in search of wintery sun, salt winds and the turquoise ocean.
I certainly wasn't disappointed by any of those.
Over the four days, I followed craggy cliff paths for miles along the coast.
I love the stinging freshness of the sea air, knotting my hair into sticky tangles as the on shore winds catch you from the side.
I love the flat, wind-skinned grasses and I breathe the salt fish air as it cuts across my face.
Far below golden, sun baked cliff faces, the black rocks gleam like angular seals and I am in love with this place. This moment. This air.
I loved picking my way through the lonely, heathered landscape; Watching swelling, white clouds roll across the blue, to become as one white sea over the horizon.
Beauty.
Humbling majesty.
And somewhere within, a wave builds and I surf it as it folds and crashes and races my heart
There is a bible quote that I always think of at times like these. I have no idea whether it is appropriate to use in this context, but for me, in the midst of the breathless wonder of such untamed, natural beauty, it is as though, "deep calls to deep".
Countless times I have been struck by the indescribable sense that some deep, unknown part of me is responding to a depth of purity in creation that is beyond the grasp of human intellect. Deep calling to deep.
At the risk of sounding as though I am spouting hippy crap, I wish to point out that I am not big into tree hugging.
No. What I am trying to describe is something spiritual. It's almost as if, a tiny piece of earth breathes in at exactly the same time as heaven, and for one fraction of a moment, the two merge and hover together, as one.
I could go on to write about the rest of my holiday, and how I came back early because I could no longer cope with the fear and lack of control over food.
I could write about the terror each time that night fell and the emetophobia sentenced me to moments of extreme panic.
But... I won't because I am afraid.
I'm so angry that I ruin every good thing that I have.
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