Sad

It's true.

I'm sad.

Actually, 'sad' doesn't really 'fit'... It's just the closest I can get.

I've wanted to write here but have been unable to find the voice / words.

Tonight I'm bad.

I've never binged like I have tonight.

I've been purging for an hour and still feel nowhere near empty.

I don't know how to cope.

Since my last post, I've been threatened with inpatient treatment and forced to have blood tests and ECGs.

I feel a mixture of horror and relief that the funding for inpatient treatment has been cut. I've been 'summoned' for treatment in a day clinic which opens in March.

I'm not sure I will make it that long.

My weight is an all time low.

Work have told me they will hold my job for me if I go away for any period of recovery.

I know I can't 'succeed' here.

I need to go away.

Half of me fantasises about a Greek island for a couple of months.

Half of me believes I will have die like this.

I need to get away but don't have a safe place to go TO.

Where in the world can I go to try and get better?

I'm desperate and frightened.

I've never been this lost.

Eye Of The Storm

Still,

in the corner

I curl

tight,

small,

unmoving

as the storm

whirs

and whips

my untucked feet.

My deaf ears,

closed to the winds.

My fists

clenched to fight

you who come close.

Still,

in the corner,

I curl

small

and

smaller

and

smaller

still.