Saturday, 22 January 2011


It's true.
I'm sad.
Actually, 'sad' doesn't really 'fit'... It's just the closest I can get.

I've wanted to write here but have been unable to find the voice / words.

Tonight I'm bad.
I've never binged like I have tonight.
I've been purging for an hour and still feel nowhere near empty.
I don't know how to cope.

Since my last post, I've been threatened with inpatient treatment and forced to have blood tests and ECGs.
I feel a mixture of horror and relief that the funding for inpatient treatment has been cut. I've been 'summoned' for treatment in a day clinic which opens in March.
I'm not sure I will make it that long.

My weight is an all time low.
Work have told me they will hold my job for me if I go away for any period of recovery.

I know I can't 'succeed' here.
I need to go away.

Half of me fantasises about a Greek island for a couple of months.
Half of me believes I will have die like this.

I need to get away but don't have a safe place to go TO.
Where in the world can I go to try and get better?

I'm desperate and frightened.
I've never been this lost.


  1. WS

    Oh my - I am so worried about you. We have a wonderful program here in Connecticut at The Institute Of Living in Hartford, CT. There is a great treatment center in GlenBay Florida too and Hazeldon has eating disorders programs too - excellent ones. PLEASE get help, PLEASE.....
    I love you
    peace and hope..,....

  2. This comment has been removed by the author.

  3. I'm sorry for the previous delete - I say too much. I'm just sad too, wish I could do something for you.

  4. I'm sorry WS. I hope you get what you need to feel better. I'm thinking about and rooting for you.

  5. Oh dear. Please hold on. You are such a wonderful person. Sadness is a terrible thing to deal with. Please continue to seek treatment. You are worth it. Standing there with you.

  6. I'm sorry for all the pain and what you are going through. I really pray that you will be able to help that you need. I wish I could do more for you. I am thinking of you...

  7. WS, I am worried. I am so sorry for this pain and desperation. I keep you in my heart and mind. Love and hugs, Paula

  8. I found you at last (by chance i stumbled upon you here) - and feel so deeply sad to hear of your worsening health. What a terrible struggle you are having. I hope more than anything that some part of you can find the strength to beat this before it's too late.I am rooting for you.

    I am thinking of you often

    With my love


  9. SKY. Oh my goodness. I almost didn't see this... How are you?
    I think of you too.
    Thanks for rooting for me. I'm not doing so well. Not at all in fact.

    It's good to hear from you and I hope that you are doing ok.


  10. I'm ok thanks sweetie. But worried for you.

    Just want you to know i believe in you and i am willing you the strength to come through this. Keep on reaching out. I hope so much the programme that you will be on can help you through this terrible time. I will be here alongside - listening.

    Big hugs