Sunday, 7 February 2010

Sitting Tight

Sometimes I have to stay very still and keep away from reflection... From my reflection, I guess.
It's been like that lately.

Even in therapy I have stayed as far away as I can.

I call it, "staying on my outside".

It can be a strange place to be because, once I'm there, I find it very hard to believe in any of the things I struggle with. I even believe that I am lying and that nothing inside really exists.

At the moment, I am not sure.

What I have been struggling with a lot is the selfishness I see in myself.

I feel as though therapy, with its emphasis on me, has caused an increasing preoccupation with SELF.

I have reached new levels of self disgust lately.

Again, SELF.

Hence I have been staying on my outside.

On the outside I function very well because it is all about the needs of others.

I haven't been here at all lately and so haven't read anything. I'm trying to catch up on lots of blogs posts I have missed.

Bear with me...

And Gail...



  1. HI-

    "YES" :-) that means we are holding on together. I like that.

    I completely understand the being on the outside of self and wondering if anything on the inside even exists. I was there.

    And therapy is suppose to be selfish - it is about you. Only you.

    Hang on - stay true and remember how lovable you are.

    Love Gail/Annie

  2. Gosh, I'm so glad I'm not the only one. I swear on the outside I wonder if I'm making things up but then it all comes rushing back and it feels as though it hurts more than I remember it hurting before.

  3. I totally get what you're saying. I've done that too. Easier to be on the outside then feeling real from the inside. Being real....has been my biggest struggle. Hang tight ok. your corner. Sarah

  4. Hi WS - I definitely get what you say about feeling that therapy is a bit selfish. Having come from a place where it was NEVER ok to talk about oneself, you got slapped down pretty darn quickly if you did. Yeah. It's a tough one and a hard thing to overcome. However I have second Gail. I just keep telling myself that the point of therapy is that it's ALL ABOUT ME. And you know what? I'm here to tell you that it has absolutely NEVER been all about me and I'm going to do my best to take it and run with it. It's taken me awhile to get to this point but I find that I am starting to overcome it. Hang in there.

  5. Sitka has an award for you at All Gods Creatures.
    Blessings, andrea

  6. Yep, it is all about you. That is a good thing. You are worth it. Here with you and sending you hope for yourself.