Monday, 31 May 2010

Words From The Den

As happens so often, I go to write some replies to the people who have left such kind comments here and I am unable to even begin.
"Why is that?" I ask myself.
"Well", replies a more Knowing Self, "that would be because you feel overwhelmed by the things that have been said and the fact that you don't deserve anyone to hear you. Thus replying seems to acknowledge that you are worth commenting ON".
"Ahhh" says my Wondering Self. And then a small "oh".

It's not just replying either.
It's writing full stop.
In my last post, I optimistically resolved to write more in order to stop throwing mountains of cash into the dissociative void.
As you can see, THAT went well.

On the subject of therapy (and given the subheading on this blog, I guess it should be) it has been... a little bit like curling up inside a den of very hungry lions who haven't yet sniffed me out.
I realise that I am here, admitting something that feels so risky that I WINCE as I type. Is it possible that the couch, in that little cottage in the woods, has become an object of safety?
It has been a year since I began therapy, so I guess it's about time that I started to feel like I can trust that place, at least a tiny bit.
Committing that thought to 'paper' (albeit virtual paper) feels terrifying. Perhaps because I am afraid that I can't take it back when suddenly, it all becomes so unsafe again. And it does... Sometimes the lions look at me with glazed eyes which could realise me at any given moment.
It's a risk and I stay curled, very small and for the time being at least, safe.

************ Having just written this, I read back and find that what I HAVEN'T written about is what I would really LIKE to find words the for and yet, as usual, I have tiptoed around lions.

If I live long enough, one day I'll fight them **************


  1. In fact just your honesty that you struggle with this is a step in the right direction. Trust is awful hard to retain or regain back. In time dear one. Thank you for sharing what you have. Blessings.

  2. Trust is so very hard to re-gain! It is brave, and a step into right direction to feel safe, even if it is just for now. Many little moments add up! And these demons inside you? You face them already, you fight them every day as you allow them close and around you. Means YOU hold the strings.... I hear your struggle, I hear your fear yet you hold the strings. You go girl! Love form my heart to yours.

  3. You FIGHT them every day.
    If you live long enough, you might just start to WIN.

  4. JBR - Thank you. I thinnk you are right about the honesty being a step in itself. I wish I understood why it's so hard to allow myself to acnowledge such small things.

    Paula - Yes... It's a lot about trust and just how fragile and vulnerable trust can make you. I'm not good at it with anything that is much below my surface.
    Thanks for your encouragement. Again, you are right about facing them everyday... but that I hold the strings? Yes... Maybe... Somwhere and Somehow I know that MUST be true. It's which PART of me holding the strings which seems to be the problem... I am so 'in control' at the moment. However, the part which is totally in control and keeping me very calm is a part which is destroying me physically... So.. Yeah... I am holding the strings... but the strings are feeling very tangled and very far apart... If that makes ANY sense?
    Thanks Paula, for always being here. x

    It's strange to say, but living AND winning? The two just don't feel compatible. That's not to say that they're NOT... just that it feels quite... unattainable.

  5. Hey WS...whatever you need is fine..whatever you need to say or not say is ok. I had simliar fears to you what you posted here but blogging helped me so much. know this...I consider it a provilage to be part of your journey and have you part of mine. Stay strong ok. And safe.

  6. HI LOVE_

    Surrender is vulnerable - and eventually SO freeing. In your own time brave one, in your own time.

    Love you
    pece and hope

  7. A year later and you are still on that couch. Trust, the dancing partner of safety. Small steps. Trust is not easy. Putting your thoughts into words a step. I hear your fear.

  8. returned to show you love and respect. I know how hard it is for me to feel trust and confidence in myself yet alone in another person. It happens in very small steps, in very thin layers yet it works. This blog post of yours is a sign. I believe in you.

  9. Hey WS...I just read you comment on my blog. I had to come and say....1...I'm really touched by the kindness of your words and 2. I cringed when I read you refer to yourself as rubbish and hopeless..uh uh. not true...not to me. I was called garbage for so long that I believed it. I hated myself with a terrible passion but I found was a lie and yet even when I knew it was lie...I still believed it. Weird. I'm in your corner...believing one day you too see the lie for what it is....I look forward to that day. Stay strong ok...

  10. Hi there. I really enjoyed reading your post. I think its really awesome that you put this out there. There's nothing I appreciate more than REAL honesty.

    Sometimes I wish I had made my blog anonymous from the get-go, and I often consider making a private one so I can really go into the wretchedness of the mind. =)

    Also, I read your about me where you said that you did not have an abusive or traumatic childhood, and I think that this is very fortunate. I also think that on another level, this whole world is a traumatic place.

  11. Gail - Thank you. I don't feel brave... In fact, quite the opposite but hoping that you are right about vulnerability paying off...
    Much love to you xxx

    Lostinamaze - I know that you too understand the fear. I like your analogy of the dance... It is a frightening whirl sometimes and trusting leaves me holding my breath... waiting to be destroyed by it...
    Hope you are okay. x

    Paula - thank you for believing in me. Again, the trust thing... Yes... Small steps.. They are all I can take anyway at the moment. A lot of the time in therapy, I feel like I take a small step and then, the next session, I back track frantically... afraid to trust that the ground ahead will hold me...
    One thing I DO know though Paula, is that the ground is ready for your pilgrimage! :) Enjoy! xx

    Sarah - Your words are too kind. I guess I was just trying to explain that if I try to be a Christian, it makes me feel pretty rubbish. I do feel utterly hopeless where all that stuff is concerned and one of the issues is that I don't think that i'm good enough, despite knowing all the'it's about grace' theology.
    I know you were told you were rubbish and very much understand howthat led you to believe it but Sarah, I wasn't ever told that. I just knew it and, deep down, although barely anyone in my 3D world would recognise or believe it, that is what I believe.
    It's a tough one.
    Thank you for your kindness and for hoping for me. You are such an amazing girl. x

    Elan - Hi and thank you so much for leaving such a kind comment. I know what you mean about appreciating honesty... It's something that I find really resonates with me when i hear it in others...
    You are not the first person to wish that you'd kept your blog anonymous and I have to say, there is no way on this earth that I could write any of what I do if I thought there was a chance of being identified... (So maybe not SO honest..!). I actually have another blog too because when I frst began writing here, I hadnt realised that the blog thing was such a 'community' and was so frightened by it that I posted all my worst, most wretched posts somewhere where I didn't have 'followers'! I've got better at not caring so much... but still find it hard if I feel people will be digusted by my feelings.
    You are right about the whole world being traumatic to some extent. It's defintiely a harsh place at times...
    Thanks for reading Elan.

  12. A year in therapy...
    It was just over a year after I started seeing C that we got to the hard work... That's when I started to remember.

    It is about trust, and about making a decision that sooner or later you are going to have to do the hard work and that this time and place and trusted person are as good as any.

    When you're ready, it will all begin to fall apart... and then you can start to put it all back together again. It's good to know that there is someone there to help you hold it together in the mean time, isn't it?

  13. Dear Shen,
    I read your comment in my email notification this morning and I have to say, it was like a kick in the stomach. Somehow, the words you wrote, the exact words, made me have to fight hard not to just bawl my eyes out.
    I think it was your understanding... your knowledge...
    and the words
    "when you're ready, it will all begin to fall apart"
    I just don't know..... but I understand whatyou mean.
    It makes me just want to cry in pain. And for what?
    Perhaps I just can't find the words.
    Thank you for knowing something Shen.
    I don't even know.