Sunday, 13 June 2010

Welcome To Hell...

...It's where I have been since Friday's therapy session.

I've scoured Google Images. Searched all the most horrible words I can think of in, a vain attempt to find a picture that captures even a tendril of the mass of ... mass of what? I don't even have the vocab for it... the mass of whatever it is that lies throbbing and bleeding inside.

It's a mass of hot, white unknowns which twist in me; sometimes surging in violent, murderous ire, sometimes burning slow and orange. Other times the mass is suddenly pain in a cold, black ache.

It's all to do with the hell that is an eating disorder.
The aftermath of a purgeless binge.
The clawing desperation to tear huge chunks of flesh from my body just to weigh less.
It's the pathetic despair of facing a future with nothing better than this.
It's the dull agony of depression.

I'm screaming but the screaming isn't a sound. It's the absence of sound. It's the silence that becomes an unbearable pressure on ears that ring, desperate for noise, desperate to be freed from oppressive quiet.

Therapy must have really been huge in Friday, right?

You'd think.

You'd think there would be some profound reason for the fact that I've spent the weekend under duvet, trying to stem the bleeding from my finger which ended up getting the raw deal from the double edged blade.

All it was, so far as I can work out, was that the woman didn't really seem to understand.

I'm stuck for words to explain and my head is screaming at me to stop typing this. Such resistance.

The woman suggested that when I have my own place (I'm trying to buy a house) it will be easier for me and my eating disorder (my need for control) will die down.
She said that many people just found a weight they could live with and then got on with living.
She mentioned the gym and said maybe I'd just enjoy the healthy exercise. She talked about food and suggested that I would find a balance.

(My face is threatening to collapse as I type)

Okay so I have typed and deleted in circles for five minutes so I'll just be done with it now.

I heard her say that
your life will be a struggle forever
your ED will never really go away.
and it all basically amounts to
this is the best that you can hope for

...and the words of an old favourite ring in my ears, as they so often do when death feels the best chocolate in the box...

"and the best that you can hope for is to die in your sleep"

(K. Rogers. The Gambler)

I predict a heart attack.
Or diabetes.

I found this which, I suppose, isn't too bad a representation when it's all said and done.


  1. Hi love-

    Oh my..........I will pray for your release - for your freedom. Feel me around you - surrounding you and gently untwisting you so you can relax.

    Loving yuou
    pece and hope.....

  2. Hi WS...your pain...your heart...I've been there...felt is hell on earth..I feared having a heart one got it...they didn't understand..I learned somehow...and not even sure how...that the ed wasn't the was only the symptom. want you you to know WS...I'm in your corner...not only listening....praying for your freedom.

  3. As she didn't understand, her predictions have no meaning. It is sad that they hurt you. I hope you will not allow her to do that to you again!

  4. Sometimes I wonder where therapist get their words from. You are more than they will ever know. I'm standing in for you and want to help you how ever I can.

  5. I hope you're able to tell her how terrible this made you feel.
    Generally therapists don't TRY to hurt their clients (or so we can all hope).
    But she can't be more careful if she doesn't know, and she really DOES need to not hurt you like this. I've been very angry with her ever since I read your post, but I suppose I've calmed down.
    But I do hope you'll take the risk of telling her how you feel about it.

  6. I don't believe that your life is doomed to suffering. I'm not sure the context that it was said in so I really can't comment on your therapists words...

    I'm curious, (and of course I totally understand if you don't want to share) does your therapist suggest any sort of regular practice for you to keep up between sessions, like a mediation or something?

  7. The shame I felt /feel in posting this last post has been so great that I haven't really been able to stand being here... I have struggled to even keep it here... waiting for someone to react with disgut I suppose.

    Gail - Thank you for your prayers. You are very much in my mind rght now as you battle your own agonies. x

    Sarah - Yes. You are always listening and although that's kind of hard to believe, I do know that you understand some of thi stuff.
    You're right about the ed being a symptom. I'm not really sure what it's a symptom OF, but I feel that it is.
    Thanks for being in "my corner", despite my seflishness. x

    cbtish - Hi.
    Well... I can't help but feel that somehow it was my fault; my fault that she didn't understand. I'm very confused about it. Confused about whether I am not telling her right or whethr she is just refusing to listen to certain things...
    Thank you for your words.

    Wanda - Dear Wanda. Please just look after yourself right now. I hear that it is so, so painful and I'm so sorry.
    Thank you for standing in for me.

    S - It worries me that you have been angry with my T since you read my post. I don't know that it was her FAULT... I don't know how much ofit is me being incapable of making sense, or her deliberately not hearing me, or playing games with me in order to provoke me? provoke change? I don't know. What I DO know, is that I am getting pretty tired of therapy and its pain.
    Thanks for your comment.

    Elan - I suppose that I don't believe anybody's life is 'doomed to suffering'... although, watching the news and reading about te lives that some poeple have, it does sometimes seem to be the case.
    My therapist doesn't suggest anything in between sessions. I don't think that she is particularly into meditation of any sort and I have to say, i don't have the greatest of faith in that kind of stuff... Can I ask what prompts you to ask? (And this time, MY turn to point out that there's no obligation to answer if you don't want to!)

  8. I don't know anything about you, and I have no idea of what you're going through, so take this with a grain of salt.

    I don't think the trouble is that the woman doesn't understand you. I think the trouble is that YOU believe that NO ONE is able to understand you. And in a certain sense you're right. None of us can be known by another as well as we're know by ourselves. And we all feel the loneliness that comes from that. BUT that doesn't mean that no one understands anything about us. On one hand we're all more alone than we like to think. But, on the other hand, we're much less alone.

    You're upset when the woman seems not to understand you. You're upset when it seems that other people don't understand you. But here's the thing, darlin' girl, there truly are people out there who understand. There are far too many people on this earth for there not to be others who understand you. They might not all understand everything about you, but that's okay because people don't have to know you completely to care about you, or even to love you. If that were true nobody in the world would love or be loved.

    If the woman doesn't understand something you tell her, keep telling her until she does. Or tell someone else. Eventually, someone will get it. I think. ;)

    I've got more to say, but my kids are going wild, and since I am the responsible adult here, I guess it's my job to intervene.

    If you weren't all the way across the ocean from me, I'd give you a big ol' hug. You're NOT doomed to a life of suffering - unless you believe you're doomed to a life of suffering. I don't know how I know that, but I DO.