Saturday, 26 March 2011

Hitting Critical.


I've been found out.
Big time.

The unit I have been attending for treatment for the last four weeks demand regular ECGs and blood tests.
Although I have been complying with their re feeding stuff when I'm there, outside of the unit I have been over compensating to such a great extent that this week I weighed less than when I started.

I have been cheating their scales very well up until a spot weigh on Friday.

At about half past seven on Wednesday evening I missed a call from a doctor who left a message asking me to phone back to confirm that I was being followed up by the ED unit.
My most recent ECG showed that my pulse was under 40.
I know my weight has been under 5 stone for some time and has dropped significantly.

I have been informed that if my weight does not increase this weekend then more energy will be packed into me during the day and I may well face hospitalisation.

The terror of the situation has driven me to eat like I haven't eaten for a long time. And yes, the food is lovely but the torture and the panic and pain
of re-feeding is almost overwhelming.

The pain of the swelling in my hands woke me at five thirty this morning.
My feet are purple.
My body aches.

I am drained beyond belief.

Until now, I have managed to maintain such composure within the group.

They value my support but I have not been able to be truly honest with them or accept any real support from them.
The Woman suggests that this is all defence, denial even.
I know she is right.

I have never been so grateful for her.

Clocks go forward tonight and, one hour earlier, tomorrow
brings the fresh prospect of sunshine and an endless stream of food to make me feel more swollen, bloated and out of control.

I have been strapped into a rollercoaster which has jerked forward unsteadily and set off to a slow roll.
The screeching and grinding of the steel on the old metal tracks is drowning out my shouts as I try to tell them I want to get off.

Excuse me?
Can you stop it..? Please. I need to get off. I changed my mind I want to get off stop Please PLEASE LET ME OFF.


  1. Baby you are really scaring me. Please try to follow the doctors advise. I care about you.

  2. I read this...I thought of how I knew how to help others....give them the support and encouragement they needed....but I couldn't do that for me. I constantly punished myself behind closed doors. I'm so glad you have some good supports...people who care and are trying to help you...and me....I'm in your corner too...praying for a breakthrough....hang tight're in a battle...but you're going to win...☺

  3. HI WS - oh my - I am feeling the terror of the roller coaster ride you are on so vividly. I also know that each person struggling with such a disease has to hit "bottom" before they can truly begin to heal and dare I say - this is your "bottom" - and as awful as it is, it is also a good thing because from here you can finally journey to wholeness. Please hang on for this is the turning point - I promise.
    Loving you
    peace and hope

  4. i understand exactly where you are.
    im currently in treatment for anorexia.

    And while im there, at the treatment center, i do everything.. nearly right, but at home... well the days effort just goes down the bin.
    i dont eat like i should. but i am trying.

    its just now, that im starting to realise.. how long can i cheat the scales, before they find out that im losing weight, instead of gaining. cus i know im losing, i can feel it in my body, my mood, my thoughts.
    And this is what has happend twice before... i cheat the scales for so long, before they find otu and then im admitted as an inpatient again.

    i feel exactly the same way.. like soemone has strapped me into this ride... and it feels like its just the beginning, and its never ending.. and i want OUT. i never asked to go on this rollercoaster.

    wishing you well and luck.x

  5. Get off?
    Get off and - what? Starve? Die?
    Last saw you over a stone heavier, and you were ill thin, then.
    Wishing you well, but - with dread sadness, they're gonna take this out of your hands. They don't like suicide by starvation.
    And - to be honest? And with sad affection? Nor do I.

    Glad you still have the woman. Very.
    In my thoughts. Largely worried and sad thoughts, but you're seriously in them.

    Hugs, though I suspect you're bruising rather easily.

  6. I am so glad you have the Woman. And I'm also glad you've been found out. I truly care for you and am praying for you...

  7. Im so sorry to hear this it is such a tragedy.. you cant save your sister so you have joined her. My hope for you and your family is that you both can help save each other before its too late. Im so sorry for you ws

  8. I feel painfully wordless . . . . .and so worried that the utter despair I hear in your heart will smother your will to keep living . . . . . . you do not have to die this way, and I pray with all my heart that the ones in your 3D world can help you stop yourself from . . . . well . . . . . from committing suicide . . . . .

    With Love . . . . always . . . . .


  9. TBH, since I came over to your blog first I wondered about your treatment. Obviously I knew only The German program. Which means 6 weeks in patient treatment to start off with. The treatment is caring but tough. I was then and I am now even more worried about you.
    WS, you know that you aren't cheating THEIR scale, but yourself! It is a roller coaster with or without treatment. Except the latter holds the chance of improvement. Keep you in my thoughts.

  10. Be well, WS. Please be well! You're in my thoughts. Always.

    With love,

    J. (yes, THAT J!)

  11. Passing by to show some love. Thinking of you.

  12. Reaching out, like everyone else.
    No need to reach back, just to know we're here.
    Funny that, isn't it?
    How many people care.
    Hope some small part of you can be warmed by that, possibly even wonder if, in thinking good of you, maybe we're (whisper who dares).... right to care, even if, from time to time, you don't?