Sunday, 15 May 2011


... don't come easily.

One of the (very many) unpleasant side effects of anorexia and the re-feeding process is constipation.
I know.
Not something that makes an attractive reading experience.
Nevertheless, a rather uncomfortable reality for me right now.
(One I deserve, no doubt)

I mention this because, as I try to sit down (which requires an untold degree of discipline given that standing up burns more calories) and write something, ANYTHING, about how things are looking for me (or... inside me) at the moment, the medical definition of the word 'impacted', paints pictures in my head.

The ever reliable Websters Dictionary defines the term as:
1 a : blocked by material (as feces) that is firmly packed or wedgedin position impacted colon>
b : wedged or lodged in a bodily passage impacted mass of feces>impacted fetus in the birth canal>
2 : characterized by broken ends of bone driven together impacted fracture>
3 of a tooth : wedged between the jawbone and another toothimpacted wisdom tooth>
... And all three of these seem to perfectly describe my current mental, emotional and spiritual state.

I feel the agony of the growing mass, bulging and folding against the walls of my mind. I feel the acrid sting of sobs, pushing painfully against the base of my throat and the heavy, heavy blur of words that won't attach to each other, trapped as they are, in the indistinct, impacted shit.

My communication channels been impacted for weeks now.


  1. Poor darling - what an awfully painful experience you are having. And the holding on, the fear of letting go of the disease must be agony - as symbolised also by your constipation perhaps?

    I am listening to your struggle and holding so much hope for you.

    Much love


  2. HI WS- oh my - how tortured you are by this phase of your journey. I feel awful with and for you. I recall a time when I felt there wsa cement in my throat. I swear there was. In time, it passed. Hang on and breathe. I am sending you love, and light and hope

  3. I know you are in so much pain. Hear listening and offering a helping hand.

  4. I hear your pain...There was a time I needed to let release that block. I didn't know how. And my therapist said something so simple yet so profound. 'Give yourself permission.' I balked at that. That was too simple yet I started doing that...saying those words to myself. And weird as it was....I started to relax...let go....and release the blockage in me. It wasn't the only thing but I had never known I wasn't letting myself be free. WS....I'm here in your corner...believing for your total freedom.....stay strong okay.....and safe.

  5. Sky - Hi. Hope you are doing ok... Thank you so much for stopping by here. I must say that the 'poor darling' business makes me want to shrivel up in utter disgust. I'm pretty much riddled with self disgust right now. Sympathy is not deserved. Not on any level.
    You are right about the fear of letting go of the illness though. It's a terror filled concept.

    Gail - So lovely to 'see' you. I'm trying so hard to hang in here... just as i'm trying to hang in 'there'.
    Thank you so much for your warmth.
    I feel it. x

    Wanda - Thank you. I know that you of all people feel the pain associated with some of this stuff.

    Sarah - You are such a constant support. I don't know what to say. Again, I know that your own journey has been so fraught with the conflicts, splits, fears.
    I take heart from your story. Thank you for your encouragement and thank you for staying in my corner, filthy and dark as that corner is...