Thursday, 26 May 2011

One Balloon At A Time

A girl floats above the earth, looking down at the ground with a mixture of longing and terror.
She is frightened of SO MANY THINGS.
Things that are UNNAMEABLE because to speak them may bring them into being.
To name them all would be exhausting.
And besides, some of the fear doesn't have a name.
It's just there. Just because.

The girl is kept suspended by a big bunch of balloons.
Each balloon has something written on it. Some element of her illness and of the fear which may lie behind it.
The balloons keep her safe. They keep her looking at the world without quite being in it/ part of it.

A Christian lady I met on a course I recently attended had this in her head as she prayed for me.
She told me that God was handing me a pair of scissors and that he was gently encouraging me to cut just one string...
She told me that I'd still have the other balloons so I wouldn't plummet to earth.

I thought about this a lot.
It reminded me of British graffiti artist, Banksy, and his brilliant image of the little girl holding the balloons.

Yesterday I drove into the unit turning the picture over in my head.
At lunchtime, I took the scissors and cut the balloon with the word 'Jacket Potato' on it.

It sounds absurd... but my fear of carbs is just one in a long list of foods which is holding me in this illness.

I should note here that, as promised, cutting the string attached to that particular balloon, has not made me fall to the ground, a puddle of flesh.
It caused huge fear afterwards, but I'm still very much suspended.

For now, I'm still fairly 'safe'.

I do know though, that I must work hard to seriously challenge this illness.
And that the best way to do it is to use the scissors.

Just one balloon at a time.



    Oh how I love this idea of the balloons, one at a time. Yes!! I am SO excited for you and so in humble awe of your courage. I hold you close, always.
    Love to you

  2. You can do it, one string at a time and every step you make towards recovery is one small step closer to health and hopefully peace with yourself.

    Still thinking of you and in awe also of your courage. Be proud of yourself WS you have cut the hardest string already by accepting help

  3. This is so neat....that is a great idea. And I'm so glad you're able to take these small steps. And that's how recovery works.... One small step as we're ready. Here in your corner routing for yo. Stay strong

  4. Hi Gail. Thank you so much for your words but please don't been in awe at anything... At the end of the day, my 'courage' is fairly pathetic given that I can't seem to cope with my BMI being close to 15.
    Much of the time, half of me is fighting a half hearted battle with another half of me.
    Courage is not an attribute that I could ever claim. XX

    Anon - Thanks for stopping by. Like Gail, your words are so kind but I have to refer you to her response.
    I feel almost 'guilty' that you should associate me with courage.
    At the end of the day, somehow, I got myself into this mess.
    As for cutting strings, I've cut a few more since the JP post, but tonight I am experiencing the huge backlash of gaining weight and I am frantically trying to grab the strings back...

    Sarah - You really ARE in my corner and I am so grateful to you for that.
    Thank you.
    Even small steps feel hard right now. In most ways, I just want to stand still.

  5. WS,lately I am not online very often. This doesnt mean I wont think of you. This idea is great and even better you can envision it for yourself so wonderfully. It is tiring, exhaustive yet so rewarding this journey, but that is exactly what it is: one step, one balloon at a time. Much love, Paula