Tuesday, 13 September 2011

I want...

I want my life back.
No matter how bad things were, nothing, NOTHING can be as bad as Anorexia.

My weight remains in limbo, my mind in hell.
I am unable to complete tasks I attempt as my brain is just too addled.

I have started taking Pregabalin, despite the fear that its most common side effect is weight gain. 
I don't care anymore.
I just want the illness to go.

I wish that I could be put to sleep whilst my weight is restored.

It occurs to me that I haven't written about The Woman lately.
I have so much to say. 
So many words in a swirling vortex - half formed ideas dance purple shadows in front of my closed eyelids in the early hours.
I resolve to write posts about the nature of Anorexia and my understanding of its relationship with anxiety and depression.
I swear I'll reply to friends, blog friends and world friends, whose words and caring constantly brush soft against my bruises.
And yet, come the morning, I haven't got the mental energy.
It's all I can do just to force the bran through my lips.

I want to go back to work.
I want to live again.
I want to eat without feeling like I'm sinning.
I want to live outside of hell.

I want to ignore the old parental adage that whispers that 'I want doesn't get'.


  1. I want peace for you. I want you to feel good about yourself at a healthy weight. I want you to be able to enjoy life like you have never been able to. I am so sorry for all the pain you are in. Here listening and caring for you.

  2. Sometimes "I want" does get, oftentimes in fact. You are not dependent on your parents anymore and therefore not slave to what they will or will not give.

    You make your choices here and you follow through on your actions. Keep going.


  3. HI LOVE - I want you to know that I am here hooding you in virtual closeness. ANd yes, as jss says - your parents are not your guides anymore- get rid of old tapes in your head that are of NO good use for you - it is your path to forge now - and you are. SO brvely, you are. Use me, lean onm e, take fromm e waht you need - I have reserve.
    Love to you
    p.s.. stop by my last blog post and the one before too which has a song you may like, but anyway, stop by and see how we survived hurricane Irene.

  4. Getting what you want is in your control, but no one gets what they want without help and support along the way . . . . . hope you are able to remember that when the help feels so opposed to the part of you that doesn't think you deserve it . . . . . you do . . . .

    With love,


  5. Having trouble getting a post out... Thank you so much for your responses. I am thinking of many of you but am finding it very difficult to write.
    Please bear with me.


  6. Hey WS...never give up okay....you'll get there.....keep fighting.....never give up. In your corner....believing for you....☺

  7. Thanks Nikki... I appreciate your encouragement so much.
    Finding it very difficult to explain what's going on with me right now... x

  8. I want you to get your life back, too.