Tuesday, 6 December 2011

It's My Party...

... and I'll cry if I want to.

Okay so No Party and No Tears, but it IS my birthday...
...and whilst it's been nice in many, many ways, I've struggled to keep my smile in place. 
On two unguarded occasions  it slid off my chin, provoking the observation that I looked sad.
It's important to me that they don't think I'm sad today. 
The pain is more painful for those who watch.

My weight moved up by point seven of a kilo last week. 
I can't begin to describe the misery that this small gain has caused, or the battle which has ensued.
Yet, I know I have to kill this Anorexia.
I know it even as I skip manically; as I push my body up on breaking arms; as I reach a breathless forty on my knee - to - elbow jumps, and as I crunch unforgiven coccyx on the hard floor.
I know it as I push each coveted mouthful past guarded lips, willing myself to swallow, to allow, to stay.
Each grind of my teeth, a perfectly synchronised nod and shake. 
A simultaneous, stereophonic yes and no.

In all my wildest nightmares, I never once imagined that my birthday this year would be spent trying to claw my way out of Anorexia.

I hope against all hope that next year, the narrative will be very different.


  1. You're going to be ok, baby. I'm an old friend here, just too unsure of myself to be visible. Happy birthday, wanderer. You'll get there. Much love to you.

  2. HELLO LOVE and today I celebrate you for being born, for living, for giving me hope. Your journey is a tribute and witness to courage.
    Love Gail

  3. Anonymous - I'm puzzled. Who are you and how do you know me? Please don't be afraid of letting me know. You have ME worried...
    ... and 'baby'? (!)
    Thank you for your reassurance.

    Gail - Thank you for celebrating and for saying that I gave hope.
    I honestly can't understand why on earth that is the case, but if so, it is something of a miracle and one that I am so grateful for.
    I LONG to show other people a hope that I can't feel for myself but see in an abundance all around.
    It's somewhat hypocritical of me to even dare to try... but I do and I will and I am!

  4. Happy birthday! I hope with you. You are always in my thoughts.

  5. lostinamaze - Thank you. I hope you know it's mutual.

  6. I'm sorry I'm late, but I wish the best for you. Next year will be the year of healing. Sending warm hugs your way.

  7. Hi! I'm not sure if you got to see it, but I commented on your post called "a post in pieces." Please read it if you get the chance. I just wanted you to know that I completely aupport you. :)