... In all honesty, I find it significantly easier to write 'lighter note posts' when I am lighter in a more literal sense.
When I last posted I had taken almost two weeks away from the unit. One week on a trip down to the Cornish coast and a few days 'thinking time' to decide whether or not I was able to truely commit to treatment.
In that relatively short amount of time, I somehow managed to 'achieve' a comforting weight loss of four pounds (approx 2kg). Thus, with my BMI safely hovering around 14, I felt able to be a little more relaxed.
In the end though, the misery of the rapid increase in restrictive eating and the anxiety caused by the fact that I felt like a fugitive, aided my decision to return to the unit to continue the treatment.
After a couple of weeks of fairly intensive 'refeeding' (ugh! So much 'treatment lingo') Thursday's 'weigh in' revealed that my BMI is back up to 14.5. My tears though, were relatively shortlived as somehow, my brain appears to experience some miraculous kind of backlash against the anorexic desire to sabotage any weight gain through intense exercise.
For reasons possibly only known to God himself, despite the panic of being faced with jacket - potato - with - tuna - mayo lunches, and margarine sandwiches with hummus, I seem to have managed to maintain a fairly determined, positive attitude towards the concept of recovery for the remainder of the week. In fact, in another attempt at taking steps towards defeating this twisted illness, I handed in my pair of scales on Friday. As I passed them to one of my favourite staff members, I felt as though I was holding my hand against a hot iron.
The burn hasn't cooled yet and if anything, I know it will become even hotter tomorrow morning as 'weigh in' approaches.
I can only hope that time will afford some healing.
Sunday, 26 June 2011
Saturday, 18 June 2011
Saturday, 4 June 2011
Every now and then, I read something that is so searingly honest that reading it feels like pressing on a fracture.
I recently came across one such piece of writing and thought I'd share an extract of it here.
...And The Dream Of Being Someone SpecialAnd in the summer sunshineYou believed the things they told youFor it's part of being littleAnd the trust is right inside youLike a ball of summer sunshineIn the middle of your bodyAnd you think that it will neverFade awayBut as the days go flyingYou are troubled by the shadowsIn the hearts and hands and facesOf the people you had trustedWhen they promised you the sunshineFor you hear the winter nowIn what they sayAnd the dream of being special floats awayAnd the whole damn thing looks so grey.Adrian PlassClearing Away The Rubbish