Sunday, 26 June 2011

Er... About that "lighter note"...

... In all honesty, I find it significantly easier to write 'lighter note posts' when I am lighter in a more literal sense.

When I last posted I had taken almost two weeks away from the unit. One week on a trip down to the Cornish coast and a few days 'thinking time' to decide whether or not I was able to truely commit to treatment.
In that relatively short amount of time, I somehow managed to 'achieve' a comforting weight loss of four pounds (approx 2kg). Thus, with my BMI safely hovering around 14, I felt able to be a little more relaxed.
In the end though, the misery of the rapid increase in restrictive eating and the anxiety caused by the fact that I felt like a fugitive, aided my decision to return to the unit to continue the treatment.

After a couple of weeks of fairly intensive 'refeeding' (ugh! So much 'treatment lingo') Thursday's 'weigh in' revealed that my BMI is back up to 14.5. My tears though, were relatively shortlived as somehow, my brain appears to experience some miraculous kind of backlash against the anorexic desire to sabotage any weight gain through intense exercise.
For reasons possibly only known to God himself, despite the panic of being faced with jacket - potato - with - tuna - mayo lunches, and margarine sandwiches with hummus, I seem to have managed to maintain a fairly determined, positive attitude towards the concept of recovery for the remainder of the week. In fact, in another attempt at taking steps towards defeating this twisted illness, I handed in my pair of scales on Friday. As I passed them to one of my favourite staff members, I felt as though I was holding my hand against a hot iron.

The burn hasn't cooled yet and if anything, I know it will become even hotter tomorrow morning as 'weigh in' approaches.
I can only hope that time will afford some healing.


  1. HI WS - oh my, you are SO amazing. The healing has begun, you are on the road to recovery. Hang on, stay with it - freedom awaits. I promise.
    Love to you

  2. A painful but huge step in giving up your scales. I understand how hard hat must have been. I pray the burn cools for you as you find other healthy means of safety with others and within yourself. Keep fighting...I am thinking of you.

    Oh, I had to look up the jacket potato lunch. I learned something new :)

  3. Perhaps the grip is starting to loosen a bit.

    Seems appropriate to refer you to a comment you made recently on a post of mine. Keep it close but hold it loosely.

  4. WS, on the road with you! Love form my heart to yours! One balloon at the time!