Monday, 6 February 2012

News Flash

I hate it that my main reason for blogging right now is that I feel under some kind of pressure to write something. My life seems to be full of 'shoulds' which are generally, profoundly unhelpful in terms of trying to reduce anxiety rather than maintain it.

I'm taking 200mg of Pregabalin right now but apart from a noticeably calmer initial phase, it seems to have made little difference. 
This being said, it is perhaps worth noting that my anxiety might be much worse without it.

"God grant me a peace
beyond Pregabalin" ... I prayed the other morning.

and I wait.

                                 *** Breaking news***

I have convinced my consultant and Dr Death that I would be better if I could return to work! 
And so... ladies and gentlemen
(drum roll)
... after a year...
I am allowed a PART TIME phased return and 
the most incredible thing
is that my bosses
have agreed 
to make my contract part time 
at least until September.

They didn't have to.
They could have got rid of me.
They could have put me under nasty 'capability' conditions
especially as Dr Death's prognosis is incredibly negative, predicting the usual doom and gloom and failure to sustain and manage and recover and, and, and 
all the miserable misery that he just LOVES to pile into his letters.

Can I defy his predictions?

I have reached one major conclusion about recovery from Anorexia.

In order to recover, you have to act like a 'normal' person.

Even now I hear the horrified screams of  '...there's no such thing as 'normal'.
But there bloody well is where eating disorders are concerned.

In order to recover, one must pretend to be normal, which means that a)they must force themselves to cook and eat as if they do not suffer from their condition.
b) They must behave in such a way that, if being observed, nobody would notice anything markedly strange or different about their eating habits.

Totally impossible?
We shall see.

Tonight I ate what I was served.
Every mouthful hurt.
I smiled and chatted and ached and imploded.

Recovery is like being helped into a bed by people who have no idea that the mattress is packed full of upturned needles.


  1. Hello love - wow, back to work - part time, You, and they, will be well served. I recall how good I felt when my cmpany re-defined my contact so I too could work part time - I felt really good about that. Like I really mattered. I, like you, did, do! :-) Now about being normal, may I say, with ALL due respect - it is a gift that you can even pretend normal - MS does NOT allow such to be possible. Consider the pretend normal an odd gift, k? I love you lots

  2. That is exciting to be able to go back to work. Even if it is p/t. All the best dear one.

  3. When I read this...the thought that hit me is there are some neat people looking out for you....and I think He's is too. Cheering for that p/t position....and praying for 'normal' for you. When I was at the lowest of the low...someone told me a goofy little phrase that stuck in my head and helped me...inch by inch it's a cinch...yard by yard it's hard. Hang tight WS.....You're doing it. You're walking through the pain..Here in your corner....believing in you.