Monday, 29 October 2012

Every Picture...

... tells a story, right?


Seeing as I am having great difficulty in communicating some of the ways in which my head is dealing with the treatment here in the unit, I figured that perhaps I could use some pictures. 
Cop out?
Perhaps. But at least it's something; and something is better than nothing. 

When I came into this treatment centre, my sister (the anorexic one) sent me this bracelet. If you look closely, you'll see that the simple piece of thread is tied to a charm depicting a little bird. 
I haven't taken it off since I put it on. For me, the bird is representative of hope and freedom.

I think one of the hardest things in recovery is holding on to hope. Right now, despite my weight being up to 40.1 kilograms, I can't ever imagine being about to shake this illness off. 

But I have to hope.
I need it in my spinal fluid. I literally need it to strengthen my backbone. 
I need it to give me the strength to keep going. 
I need it like the world needs a horizon. My world needs a horizon. I think it's a need that every human being has. 
Trouble begins when the horizon isn't visible.

Wednesday, 17 October 2012

Hope Is A Thing With Feathers

If life is a ragged nail, chipped and broken by the most menial of tasks, poetry is a glass file, reshaping and smoothing... 

American poet, Emily Dickinson is one of the most well known writers of the nineteenth century. 
All too familiar with the alternating pain and numbness of depression, and the paradoxical feelings of safety and loneliness which come from isolation, she poured her thoughts into poem after poem and, famously, a vast number of letters.

In what I consider to be one of her most beautiful verses, she uses a bird as a metaphor for hope. The poem reflects the simple innocence of hope, making the point that whilst it may appear as fragile as filigree, hope can endure extremes, harsh storms and the most bitter winds.

I made this poster for my room here in the unit. 
I look at it morning and night, every time I feel that hope may have perished...

I pray for Dickinson's words to be true for me.

“Hope” is the thing with feathers 

“Hope” is the thing with feathers -
That perches in the soul -
And sings the tune without the words -
And never stops - at all -

And sweetest - in the Gale - is heard -
And sore must be the storm -
That could abash the little Bird
That kept so many warm -

I’ve heard it in the chillest land -
And on the strangest Sea -
Yet - never - in Extremity,
It asked a crumb - of me.

Friday, 5 October 2012

I'm Still Here...

... Still in the hospital.
... Still battling.
...Still wanting recovery
Still finding communication very, very difficult.

I am currently weighing in at 38.8kgs and my BMI is now above 15.
Although I am finding weight restoration almost unbearable, I am finding that eating the food itself is less frightening.
I even enjoy it.

I want to begin writing about the recovery process and I want to use my experiences to benefit others in some way and yet, I still have so, so far to go.

Tomorrow I get to go home for one night after twelve long weeks... Or is that thirteen?

I think it will feel like heaven, and yet, I am scared I'm gonna mess it up.

If you're still reading here, 

you are more faithful than I am deserving, and show more loyalty than this blog warrants!