Saturday, 24 August 2013

Going... Down?

Okay...Title only meaningful to those who are familiar with the old Aerosmith track, 'Love in An Elevator', a good but vastly overplayed track (at one time). My frustration with my one time favourite band has increased as the teenage, rock-chick-love has lessened; all because they sold out to the soft rock market with dribbly anthems like 'Don't Wanna Miss A Thing'.
Apologies. My intentions to write about 'recovery' have been twisted into a rant about my old musical idols.

(Aside) It occurs to me as I apologise, that actually, Steve Tyler and Joe Perry are a long way from being completely irrelevant links to the subject in hand. Both singers have grappled and battled with serious alcohol and heroin addictions. Both know the agonies that come with fighting to be free from that which has possession of your mind.

Addiction comes in so many forms and is something so closely related to the topic of Eating Disorders that it is worthy of some careful thought.
Now however, my mind is too tired to begin debating the fine lines and the overlaps. I regularly feel the urge to write some more informative pieces about Anorexia and Mental Health here but every time I sit down to write, the words sort of ebb away from my (cognitively impaired) mind. 

That's right. 
"Cognitively Impaired". 
The term, used by the experts, to explain the condition of a mind weakened by the effects of malnutrition. 
It makes me wince to accept that this is my current state and yet, all my Anorexic protestations, the frantic scrabbling to deny truth, dwindle in the face of plain, starkly real figures. 
The scales don't lie, although, typically, in the mind of someone suffering with an Eating Disorder, they are incorrect. Not day upon day upon day they're not. 
I'm following that bloody line of decline, and I KNOW it... It's as though I am rendered completely helpless by the power of the Anorexia. 
My daylight head says, 'C'mon! Get a grip! You have to find the strength, the power, to beat this';  In the lonely darkness of the restless night, the more sinsiter voice, 'You'll be lucky if you wake up to see a new day. Your internal organs are tired. Your heart is weak'. 

A young lady who I was an inpatient with for six months, died last week. 
Multiple Organ Failure caused by a long term Eating Disorder.
She was strong, lively, witty, intelligent. 
Her death rocked the ED community I 'served time' with. 


At the same time, my best friend here in ___________  gave birth to a little girl. 
And so, the cycle of life and death continues. Everywhere today and tomorrow and for the rest of time, the mortality drum will continue, beating out it's rhythm on the lives it chooses. I get that. 
What I struggle to accept, is the slow suicide that this illness contributes to this pattern. It's so... horribly pointless. 
Life is to be lived, to the fullest. Jesus said that. And he is not to be argued with. 
Why then, am I, and so many beautiful, talented, young lives, subscribed and obligated to serve this hideous monster?

All answers on a postcard...


  1. I agree
    Eds and addiction are very similar
    I think my ED is my drug addiction in another form
    Same shit, different substance

    It's terrifying to hear of someone dying this way
    I hear of people who overdosed from time to time and it shocks me every single time
    Young people with everything to live for dying because they are addicted to a deadly drug

    I hear of girls that I 'served time' with in inpatient who tried to kill them selves
    Girls who are iin hospita clinging on to life
    It scare me
    It saddens me
    But most of all it makes me angry
    So fuckin' angry with illness that worms it's way in to our lives with false promises of happiness and ultimately wants to drive us mad and then kill us

    Try to stay as well as you can and as safe as you can x

  2. Ruby. I share your sentiments... and your anger is justified. It really does 'worm' its way in. I look on it as the devil incarnate really...
    Thanks for stopping by. Hope you are doing okay x

  3. HI LOVE - so sorry about the young girl you were in treatment with dying from the disease. Tragic.
    Happy about the birth of your friends baby!
    The cycle of life.............
    I am a bit under the weather from MS side effects and symptoms. A daily battle to rise above.
    You stay strong. I need you.
    Love Gail

  4. Hello lovely Gail - So sorry to hear that you're not so good with the MS. It must be quite frightening and I know well the way that something can just wear you down when it's an ongoing battle. My thoughts and prayers are very much with you.