Monday, 24 March 2014

Hole In The Wall God

Although I rarely mention it in my writing here, my faith is one aspect of my life which I think would fundamentally change the very essence of my being were it to completely disappear. In truth, my spiritual journey, much like my therapy journey, has been a challenging mixture of blindness and revelations; of soaring and stumbling; and of denials and acceptances.

Proud of this shot! 

I've been in places of unshakeable certainty, unable to understand how anyone could ever question such a tangible God. In later life, there have been times when I've swallowed bitterly as depression and the weary despair and fatigue that accompanies it, flecked inky pools of indifference and doubt across any conviction that I once had.

At this point on the journey, I stand on a different mountain, overlooking a very different landscape.
A part of me draws some strength from the inner sense that God stands with me.
This acknowledgement of 'a higher power' seems to play a crucial role in recovery. AA refer to the 'higher power', as do a range of other successful addiction recovery programs; the theory being that as human beings, we are often weak willed and for all our good intentions, cannot free ourselves from the power of ingrained behaviours and habits. We need to draw on a strength that is not 'from' us, but is outside of us.

A part of me worries as I consider how God is referred to in the 12 step programs.
Does it not all sound a little bit 'God-as-hole-in-the-wall' ish?
I'm not sure.

What I do know is that right now, I find myself knocking on heaven's door morning, noon and night, asking for supernatural strength with which to fight the Anorexic howling which coarses through my mind interminably.
I pray as I sit down to eat my snacks, my meals  and as I battle the urges to spit my food out after chewing it.


  1. I used to attend AA and NA
    I did the steps and had God and faith in my life
    I prayed
    I asked for help
    I did all the suggested things
    But somewhere along the road my ed took over and I lost my faith
    I would do anything to get that back
    I haven't set foot in a meeting for years now
    Fear and anxiety have kept me prisoner

    I love that you have a higher power
    What ever works right?

    Take care x

  2. Dear Ruby
    Here's the thing.... I honestly believe that our faith changes... grows, diminishes, increases, dwindles... and all the while, the God of our faith remains the same... Not impassive, not uncaring... but the same as when we first experienced his warmth and love. Our emotions and feelings about him / thoughts about him change... but they all whirl around an unchanging, still present God. I understand the tiredness and the erosion of faith... mre than I can explain, but for me, just because my faith may have diminished a little... lost a lot of its shine... for me I believe that he remains the same.
    I so wish you could feel some of the certainty you once felt.
    I'm thinking of you Ruby.
    My new blog is called

  3. HELLO LOVE - beutiful, honest and emotional post. I am so inspired by you, your faith's journey through life's challenges. I too know of faith lost nd faith found. Having lost my faith community at the hands of clergy that misused their power I found my faith again, one on one, with me and my buddy Jesus. We hang out. It's nice. I love that you wrote of this. I am not sure if you ever read my post about my being part of clergy falling from grace - it is on my blog, dated 9-4-08 and titled "James-Daniel-Jill" if you want to read of it. The strength of your written words here today have saved me. "Thank you"....
    Love and faith