Sunday, 7 March 2010

Difficulty and Disgust

Even a master of understatement would struggle to say that therapy had been anything less than "extremely difficult" this week.


Difficult to find words to write about it.
Difficult to find anything concrete to hang the words on.
Difficult to be in my body right now.
Difficult to feel anything other than utter disgust for myself.

On Friday night I sat in her room and tried my best to stay still as my insides curled and contorted and twisted at the touch of her words.

It's hard to remember what she said.
My despair was so great and she pounded on with her search for meaning... the whys. The effing whys.
My only why is often, 'why does it matter?'
Why does it matter why my parents transfer things onto me?
Why does it matter if Dad's doing this or that ?
Why does it matter if .........

At times, her questions and her wondering lead me to a place where I no longer exist. Where nothing matters and I doubt that anything I have ever felt is real.

On Friday, she told me I had been silently furious in the previous session.
I think she may have been right but I can't recall feeling anything at all.
She had 'threatened' to call my doctor.
I told her she wouldn't see me for dust if she ever did that.
And I mean it.

I was angry on Friday too.
She didn't understand how hard it is for a single person (who doesn't even know whether or not "the future" is a possibility) to buy a house and live with the pressure of being solely responsible for mortgage repayments.
To be fair, she did admit that she hadn't really thought about how hard it might be.

I felt she was disgusted by me.
I heard her mind screaming at me underneath her carefully restrained words.

Pull yourself together.
Stop being so lame.
Don't be such a wuss.
For fucks sake, get over it.
You are wasting my time.
Grow up.
I want to slap you.
You disgust me.
You're revolting.
You pathetic little victim.
Stop your whining.
I can't deal with your ridiculous feelings.
You are irrational and absurd.
Stop being so complicated.
Don' be so negative.
I could wring your neck.
You need a good smack."

That's what I heard.

I asked her if she was disgusted.

No. She SAID.
Quite categorically.
(But then she would wouldn't she)
Instead she reeled off some disgusting, pity laden bull about how I was wretched and suffering. She took advantage of my choked inability to argue to tell me that no matter how much I didn't want to know it, my parents had not "cloaked me" enough (go figure).
And I cried out of the sheer anger at her, the utter exhaustion and pointlessness of it all.

So what?

So what if this happened, or that didn't happen? So what?
It still leaves me where I am now.
I need to change that.
Not look at why or how or when.

My middle sister is in hospital again and my youngest sister doesn't want to be anywhere near me because she can't bear to see me losing weight.

I feel like I have somehow lost everyone.

My skin screams that it is almost unbearable.


  1. Sista I can see the pain in your words. I feel a lot like you during and after t. Big hugs go out to you.

  2. Be careful what you interpret from "hearing from her mind." In the past, I use to do this and was usually "wrong." Hang in there!
    Blessings and prayers,

  3. I think I understand your turmoil. I have never had therapy but I asked myself the questions. I wanted the whys for a while. I wanted the meaning. But then, when some of it made sense, I was still left with the damaged me. What I'd like is how to learn to be fixed. I don't trust people. How do I trust them? They are not trustworthy. How do you learn to feel not alone? How do you learn to feel worthy? How do you learn confidence?
    Perhaps you sense some impatience from your therapist - perhaps you are projecting it onto her - but you feel it nonetheless. Does it matter where it comes from?

  4. Hi

    Oh my - such devastation - I do believe that in order to re-build we have to break down and start over from the foundation up - based on your report I would say it is broken down and you cannow rebuild. How does the new you look and feel. Define it - describe it -make it!!

    Loving you

  5. you know what? Only YOU get to be you, and that makes you extraordinary. No one else gets to be you. That alone makes you special. Think about that for just one minute out of every day. Really think about it and embrace it. I tell you: you are perfect just as you are, because you are YOU.

  6. I used to interpret my tehrapists mind. Mostly I was wrong. I used to tranfer my thoughts on to her - or at least that was what I thought I did. WROND AGAIN. On top I changed my therapist twice before a mutual respect and working together was given. Not everyone fits everyone. Worst for myself however was that I believed I wanted to get better but sabotaged myself and therapy. Neither for my therapist not myself the WHY was ever important. Inportant was to enhance skills and resources, to work throug pain and pattern. Of coure you cant imagine afuture currently. That doesnt take a diploma just common sense. When it is difficult to make it through teh day then a future seems to be like a mountain. When I approached my emotional brek down I approache dsuicidal thoughts, deepest despair and no after 3 months of intense trauma therapy(2,5 years of therapy cramped in there)NOW I see small pieces of me falling into place, some exhaust me and some are still far to big. Now I believe it is somehow doable, even when I still cannot really imagine a future. It will grow inside me along side me and when time is due. Love you. Wish I could give you a hug.

  7. Just wanted to thank you for your comments.

    I am a little overwhelmed really.

  8. Hey W......I can so relate to this...been there...many times...I totally understand...You knowing really are a fighter...hang tight ok. Sarah