Monday, 12 July 2010

Dear Everyone...

... Although I'm not really up for saying too much, I do want to say that I've been quite... touched (*wince*) by the fact that you guys seem to be here regardless of the crap that I come out with.
I don't expect you to be and I don't mind if you're not, but it has hit me a bit and I want to say thank you, even while extending my arms to keep a distance.

It is difficult to put my thoughts out; partly because I risk being met with revulsion and scorn and partly because my mind is so full at the moment that any thoughts I have are packed too tight to breathe. It feels as though my thoughts are crammed into too small a space. Some are hunched over, defeated by silence and age whilst others feel cocooned in fragile threads, unrealised, stunted by the lack of space or daring.

Therapy has been different over the last two weeks or so. The woman sounded very pleased when she pointed out that I have been more 'well' when we have talked.
She noted the correlation between my sitting in the chair (I said I didn't want to lie down anymore) and my well part being more prominent.

My reaction is split.

I prefer to sit. I feel much more in control. The 'work' part of me comes more naturally and I am able to think more logically.
However, I don't think that she realises that the reason I have been 'well' is actually because another part of me has become increasingly UNwell.
I'm well in one part because in another, I'm abiding by stringent rules in order to have almost complete control over my body.
I'm at my lowest weight and at one point this week, I actually thought that I had cracked it.

"Well blow me down! I've finally taught myself not to need anything".

That's what I thought.

It's not true of course.
Tonight I have eaten a lot of chocolate but it feels manageable because I know I will starve and then work out for hours tomorrow and I'll lose it.

Go ahead.
Pour out the scorn.

But it's working for me, for now.

My biggest problem is the parts thing... If this was a different part writing, it'd be telling you about the dread and fear. It'd be telling you about how it is to live like a hamster in a cage, running frantically on a wheel that it's forgotten how to get off.

I'm split y'see.
Split right down the middle.

Anyone got a zip?


  1. Therapy can be so hard. Being more than one part is something I understand. I believe in you and understand a lot of your feelings. Keeping people at arms distance has always been one of my safety mechanism. It is only very recently that I have learned I need people. Grant it I still am not a trusting person by far. You are cared about and I appreciate all the help you have given me. I am behind you 100%. Hang in there.

  2. HI LOVE-

    I heard a quote the other day in a movie -

    "..........we are always running toward or away from a purpose". AND to that I say I agree AND also to tell you there is "purpose" in coming here to be with you - on SO many levels. k?

    I love you
    peace and hope.....

  3. DAMN IT!!

    I just finished typing out a LONG comment, and something happened with the stupid computer and I lost it!! ARRRRRGGGGGHHHHH!!

    I'll try again later.

    For now, know that I'm thinking of you, WS. And if I could, I'd stitch that split right up for you.

  4. Hey WS...I write another blog and link up with a group called spiritual sundays. This week....I linked to some bloggers who are fighting tough battles. I put a link to yours....Please tell me that's ok....I want you to're not alone....and I want you to feel support, compassion and kindness always.....

    Hang tight ok...always in your corner....Sarah

  5. Hi, WS -

    It's hard to know what to say that might help . . . I guess . . just know that you are loveable and acceptable as you are.

    - Marie (Coming Out of the Trees)

  6. Thinking of you. Love from my heart to yours.

  7. Dear Wonderingsoul if you cld email me at I can send Cardboard