Friday, 2 July 2010

In My Defence

I'm not going to even begin to try to analyse the 'whys' in terms of why I feel the urge to somehow protect and defend myself; mainly because I want to continue dwelling safely within the confines of the (disturbingly teenage) brick walls across which, the slogan, "you will never hurt me as much as I can hurt me" is emblazoned in dripping, white spray paint. Did I mention how safe it is here? No? Well then... allow me to explain that when I am here, nothing and no one can touch me. Even if they could cut my skin I wouldn't feel it.

In therapy today I discovered that the reason I binge (an, oh God, I'm still in the midst of a two day, non stop binge) may be similar to one of the reasons I cut. (And yes, I know you feel disgust).

It is just another attempt to do something physical in order to somehow correct / comfort / smother what is at heart, emotional

When it feels like the emotional pain is unbearable, I attempt to put it on my skin... to literally, put it on the outside of me.

When it feels as though the inner emptiness will make me implode, I attempt to physically fill the abyss.

I might be talking crap (yeah... I know. what's new?) but it's something that was discussed this evening.

Another thing was the theme of 'explosion' being the main feature of my recurrent dreams right now.

"Except," she said, "you don't EXplode, you IMplode"

"Yeah" I agree. "Yeah. Nobody would see anything had happened"

"No. All the debris is on your inside"
I thought about the blackened landscape and almost mentioned (and then thought better of it) the countless little deaths I have died and the piles of little corpses that I contain.

What am I saying? How is this a defence?

Well... you might well ask.

As per usual, I seem to have strayed from the path...

It is important to me that you guys (those reading) know that, although you may think me the number one favourite for winning the "Little Miss Can't Appreciate The Blessings She Has Cos She Is So Busy Being A Pitiful Misery Award 2010", in real life (and by that I mean, anywhere except the world of cyber - and the woman's room , which is almost as unreal) I am fully functioning, well respected young lady who you would have to be exceptionally sneaky to catch without a smile or a quip.

Part of the reason I made this space is because there is little or no space for this level of honesty in my real life. The position I hold at work, the responsibility I have for others, the fear of disgust... all contribute towards making it near impossible to show any of the stuff I write about here.

As I explained in a response to ABM, I have two very separate parts with this stuff. The first is covered in long spikes and says, 'if you don't like it, get lost'. It's an angry part that wants to lash out at you, but will instead, tear deeply into flesh that cannot be seen.

The other part of me recoils, disgusted at myself, horrified that I am daring to write, revolted by the fact that anyone would read here and say ANYTHING other than, 'WS you are a vile, Godless, self obsessed, self centred, selfish, miserable, ingrate worthy only of disgust'.

I am frightened of this response and yet, I think I deserve it. I'm angry before you say it, and yet I know it is true. In short, nobody who reads here will EVER feel the same degree of disgust towards me as I do.

I HATE the person I am on the inside.

This person you hear here.

It's a big part of the problem because, whilst nobody knows I'm like this, I am, and whilst I am, I can never be known.

I realise that people can see an issue with my weight, but I can fool them as soon as I open my mouth. Nobody who hears me sounding SO sound minded and wise would ever believe I have a disorder.

Trust me, if you KNEW me, I'd have you fooled too.

So, don't go thinking that I am some pathetic, hapless, little creature who you could slap some sense into.

You wouldn't ever see the need for that if you didn't read here.


  1. This post of yours kinda makes me think of (#4 on the list) of this post of mine.

    Hope you're sleeping like a baby. Be back in a bit.

  2. HI THERE_

    Oh my, I completely undrestand your explanation of self. A very dear friend told ME something once - she said "what we defend against becomes VERY real".......

    allow that to resonate, k?

    Love to you
    peace and hope.....

  3. hearing every word . . . . with much understanding . . . . .

    love to you,



  5. ohhh nice!!

  6. I so hear you WS...your words what I felt...what I lived. From the outside..I looked totally inside the hatred that burned in my soul towards me never let up. No one knew...I wouldn't let anyone know. I learned to 'look good' play the game...the game that I was ok...but like you...I wasn't. No one saw the cutting, the constant throwing up, the saw the self loathing I had towards me. I get everything you said here and just want to tell you.....I think you're the best...I really do b/c you're fighting to win..however you're doing're doing it the way you know how. Hang tight your corner....

  7. (And yes, I know you feel disgust).

    Disgust? Not I. I feel only compassion and perhaps a bit of intrigue. I'd be willing to bet that most of the people reading here feel the same way. Otherwise why would they be reading?

    I totally, totally understand the feeling of being one person on the outside and another on the inside. It's something I've struggled with for as long as I can remember. I feel like a phony, a fake, an actress a lot of the time. Or I used to feel that way a lot of the time. Now it's only sometimes. In the past year or so I've come to see that most (all?) people feel that way to some extent. Even my husband, who I've always seen as super confident in who is, says he sometimes feels that way. I'm thinking it's part of the human condition, and the difference is in how we deal with it. Unfortunately, I think that often "how we deal with it" is a genetically programed response. That leaves some of us more vulnerable than others. Still, it is helpful for me to know that other strong, confident, responsible on the outside people feel much less than that on the inside. Maybe I'm not as weird as I thought I was. Maybe you're not either.

    I'm certain that I would NEVER see you as a pathetic, hapless creature - regardless of the context in which I knew you. This is one person you don't have to convince of your worthiness. But I don't think you would fool me if I met you - not if I knew you for very long. :D

    Hang in there, WS! I'm rooting for you!

    Oh, and pray for me, or keep your fingers crossed or something - I'm afraid I'm going to have a tough therapy day today. For reasons I don't want to go into here, it might even be my last visit with the good doctor. I'm SO dreading the arrival of 2 o'clock this afternoon.

  8. I feel no disgust! But, I understand/relate to what you write. I suffered years from Trich-pulling one's hair out. I felt like a freak/disgusted. But, as time went on, I realized it was a disease. Not something I have chosen to have...same with you...these parts of your life you didn't choose. Now, my trich is controlled by Effexor. But, that opened a whole new can of worms...I'm in the middle of a depression...newly diagnosed BP II...I, too, never experienced abuse. My parents were basically very good. My experience has been that the more disgusted I am or disappointed with myself... my symptoms worsen. And, what other people think...they can kiss my *ss.

  9. NO disgust here. I fooled my therapist! Living to complete different lives so far apart that I had such a hard time with myself. Was even proud of it. Till I dropped to the floor and cried. Felt disgust. Shame. Misery. 15 years ago. Have come far ever since yet sometimes it returns with FORCE. Shakes me, treatens me and I feel small again. Yet by now I recover faster and when I wrote it out here I strat feeling better. Yet it is mostly the only space I feel safe enough to say ALL: Love to you. Paula

  10. I want to respond to you all personally because you have all made such thought provoking comments.
    I really don't have the energy right now and it has been an incredibly draining week workwise so please forgive my lack of comment.

    Thank you so much for your words.

    For whatever reason, I feel as though I have to sum up soe sort of courage to write here at the moment. I guess it's partly to do with the disgust and guilt I feel (despite so many reassuring responses).

    I'll try at the weekend.

    Thank you all.

  11. I feel no disgust for you. Only compassion. I struggle with many of the same issues. I always cut on my abdomen or legs where it can not be seen. I hide behind my job as a supervisor in the medical profession until I could no longer hide my illness. I sometimes feel I have nothing left.

  12. Why do those of you who cut do so? What does it do for you? I've read stuff about it (here and there, no serious study) so I've got a bit of an understanding - but only a bit. I'd like to understand it better though. Could someone explain it to me?

  13. Hey WS, when you've got a moment, why don't you drop me a line? You can find my email address on my blog profile.

  14. came back just to say...routing for you... ☺ Hang tight ok.

  15. You're right I would never feel the level of disgust that you feel towards yourself. In fact I feel no disgust because I do understand.

    In my therapy I have been drawing what my parts look like. Half of them have spikes.

    As painful as it is I'm glad you have this place to be the inner you. Thinking of you.

  16. Passing by before I am out again. Love to you. Paula