Tuesday, 10 August 2010

It's About Time...

... that I quit being a chicken and actually wrote something that someone might read (as opposed to small, scrawled phrases in old notebooks; and tense, over-inked lines etching some sort of representation of the way a part of me might be feeling).

So. An update, then.

The holiday.
I won't say too much. Best not to.
I flew back 5 days early.
Panic I guess.

I've had to sit very tight.
I'm desperate at having put on 5 pounds.
It feels as though I am have gone into an extreme place of desperation.

The cave within which I dwell is a dark and lonely place to be.
Unless you have had an eating disorder, I don't think you could ever understand the waves of complete hysteria lapping at my hunched body.
I am terrified.

I realise this post is profoundly lacking in anything positive but in all honesty, right now, I am desperate enough to take drastic measures.

You can't hear me but if you could, you'd hear my insides gasping and retching and groaning with the horror of having to eat and not exercise.
My stomach is swollen, bloated, distended.
I haven't had my period, AGAIN.
I am in constant pain on my right hand side (my liver I suspect) - so much so that it gets hard to stand up straight.
Despite the fact that it's not particularly warm, I wake up every night absolutely drenched in sweat. Night sweats? I'm thinking this MUST be to do with my oestrogen levels? My hormones? Does my body think that amenorrhea means the menopause?

Nobody knows.


  1. HI LOVE_

    the fact that you wrote suggests you are coming back, even if it is a desperate crawl there is movement. keep moving - one painful step at a time - as am I through this debilitating MS setback - lets move forward together. extending my hand in love.

    peace and hope.....

  2. One step at a time!
    Blessings and prayers,

  3. Listen to your body... its trying to tell you something important.

    I hope you can find your way out of the current darkenss. try to remember it really is temporary.

  4. Body symptoms ask us to stop and listen to them.
    You say this post doesnt hold aynthing positive. Well, my 2 cents: alone taking the time, the energy and writing it out is positive indeed. Love from my heart to yours. I cant follow you in this cave you describe yet my love is here for you. Waiting to reach you fully.

  5. I don't understand what you're going through, but I sure do wish that I did. I barely know you, but, for some reason, there's something about you that I identify with. And, as strange as it seems, there's something about you that I love. Hang in there, WS, and know you're not alone.

  6. Thank you all so much for your support and your patience. I am struck by it.
    I'm pretty desperate at the moment. It has taken a lot to write here and I want to keep doing so, so I'm checking in to respond to the kindness of those who comment.
    Thank you.
    More to follow.

  7. Thinking of you. Breath. Sometimes there isnt so much more we can do. Just breath. Love

  8. Yes Paula... Thank you... That is exactly what I have been focusing on...
    Thank you for thinking of me. x