Saturday, 4 December 2010

No Way Out

Call you up in the middle of the night
Like a firefly without a light
You were there like a blowtorch burning
I was a key that could use a little turning

So tired that I couldn't even sleep
So many secrets I couldn't keep
Promised myself I wouldn't weep
One more promise I couldn't keep

It seems no one can help me now
I'm in too deep there's no way out
This time I have really led myself astra

Runaway train, never going back
Wrong way on a one-way track
Seems like I should be getting somewhere
Somehow I'm neither here nor there

Can you help me remember how to smile?
Make it somehow all seem worthwhile
How on earth did I get so jaded?
Life's mystery seems so faded

I can go where no one else can go
I know what no one else knows
Here I am just a-drownin' in the rain
With a ticket for a runaway train

And everything seems cut and dried
Day and night, earth and sky
Somehow I just don't believe it

Runaway train, never going back
Wrong way on a one-way track
Seems like I should be getting somewhere
Somehow I'm neither here nor there

Bought a ticket for a runaway train
Like a madman laughing at the rain
A little out of touch, a little insane
It's just easier than dealing with the pain

Runaway train, never going back
Wrong way on a one-way track
Seems like I should be getting somewhere
Somehow I'm neither here nor there

Runaway train, never coming back
Runaway train, tearing up the track
Runaway train, burning in my veins


  1. HI LOVE-

    Turn around I am here , see me? waving so hard and screaming your name - see me?

    Love you

  2. {{{{{{{{WS}}}}}}}}

    I know the feeling.

  3. WS - your recent postings lead me to believe that you are moving in a very bad direction. I am alarmed and worried for you and frustrated for me that I am unable to reach you both literally and figuratively. One of the extreme limitations of the age of technology. I can see you (figuratively) but I cannot reach you (literally).

    It is a helpless feeling and it leaves me wondering what it would take for you to let somebody help you. I urge you to let somebody help you, even if that help comes in a form that to this point has seemed repellent to you.

    Please know that I am familiar with that place, I was there myself not long ago. And you must please know that there is another way of being and there is help but you cannot get there alone and you cannot get there solely through the internet.

  4. Hi WS - just a quick note to say happy birthday! I'm thinking about you, and like jss, worried about you. I do love that song too. Maybe "love" isn't quite the right word. I hope you're going to have a little fun today, take a load off for a while.

  5. Just letting you know that I am still holding you in my thoughts.

  6. Hi :) How's it going with the ED clinic? (Forgive me, but I always think "erectile dysfunction"...)

  7. Thanks for your responses. I only have a few things to say...
    Gail - I see you when the fog isn't too thick. x

    jss - I was alarmed by the seriousness of your tone. It made me want to protest that everything is fine, which is silly because I think we all know it's not.
    I don't know what to say.
    In truth, I don't really believe that there is much that can help me. If I thought something really would, I hope that I would at least have the courage to approach it.
    As for help through the internet..? Ha! I gave up on the internet as a source of help a long time ago!
    I've wondered how YOU are doing...
    Sorry you feel frustrated. x

    Faith... The ED clinic? (laughed at your comment!!)The ED clinic person wants to meet for an intro thing and has phoned twice this week. I've let it go to answerphone. I'm not going to do it. I can't put on weight right now.
    So hope you're ok.

    Lastly, a bored and disgusted person is reading here.

  8. Who is the bored and disgusted person? ;)

  9. Do you ever wonder if you actually - in a hard to explain way - sort of enjoy being...ummm...a little "nutty"? Sometimes I wonder that about myself. Sometimes I think I make myself crazy by thinking too much about things that don't matter all that much.

    Blah, blah, blah - as you can tell, I don't have much worth saying at the moment. I'll stop trying now.

    Love ya, WS!

  10. Actually Jodye, I have to say, I've never thought of myself as being 'nutty' and, to be absolutely honest, if you met me, nor would you! In fact, if anyone who didn't 'know' me chatted to me, they would never suspect that I was anything other than totally 'grounded', 'sound' and perfectly ok....
    I used to think that I thought way too much, but these days, i don't... Whether that means I think less, I don't know, but either way, I think that generally, I am very logical /rational and sensible.
    I'm sure you'll roll your eyes (having read here) and think, "yeah right", but I honestly would come across as being sound.

    Having said this, today a colleague told me that it would be very obvious to anyone who saw me that I have an eating disorder.

    I don't know whether to believe this... I don't think she'd lie but... I don't see anything LIKE an ED when I look at me....

    Love ya too J!

  11. Sorry, I didn't mean to imply that you're crazy. I don't think that you are, and I can tell by chatting with you that you are, in fact, an over-all grounded, sound, and perfectly ok person. I believe - no I KNOW - that you're logical, rational, sensible, and very intelligent. I'd have to be stupid myself not to see that.

    By "nutty" I think I meant something more like "confused," or a bit emotionally off. And I can't really see how someone with an ED can NOT be confused and/or emotionally off - it's simply a confusing disorder. And don't you think it's a little strange that you can't see the ED when you look at yourself, but others can? Doesn't that sound like there's a little mental/emotional confusion going on? And that can happen even to the smartest, most grounded, perfectly together person in the world - because we're only human. All of us. Even the most rational/logical ones among us.

    All of that just to say that I DO NOT think you're nutty. I actually think I come across as more everything good than I truly am, but at the same time I know that - to a certain extent - I DO have a lot of those good qualities. So, in a way, I know where you're coming from. I think.

    I'm not sure how much sense any of that made, but I don't have time to make corrections (duty calls), so I'm just going to leave it the way it is. :)

  12. When I read my comment back, I realise that the "actually Jodye..." start may have led to you concluding that I was irritated or offended by your comment and I wanted you to know that I wasn't / haven't been at all... I'm sorry if it came across like that (I say this cos you sounded a bit apologetic in your message and there was no need...)

    I s'pose I was a little perturbed at the suggestion that I might "enjoy" my eating problems / depression etc... so if I challenged anything at all, it would have to be the notion that there is some sense of enjoyment in living with mental illness.

    I know you weren't saying I was 'nutty'... or... if you were, you were meaning it in the sense that perhaps we are all a little crazy...

    Yes... EDs are confusing... and yes... i am confused.. and yes... ok... on the inside, maybe I am a bit nutty... But there is no pleasure to be had from it... In fact, it is the fact that I can't seem to eliminate it that so often leads me to want to eliminate myself.

    Hope I make some sense with this...


  13. Yeah, the "enjoyment" question was a stupid one for sure, but mostly because of the way I asked it. I probably meant something more like, do you think you've ever chosen to stay in an emotionally crazy place because it's just comfortable enough to make the misery bearable? Even that isn't exactly what I'm trying to say, but I think I'm going to give up on getting it just right. It probably isn't possible anyway.

    Okay, I'm going to leave you alone now. Later gator.

  14. Love the song, and enjoyed reading the comments discussion... you may look like a sorted and grounded person as you say, and you do, and that is one of your (many) skills; you are also a wonderful soul, not just a wondering one, a soul full of pain and mess but also full of love and grace and compassion and every now and then, hope. You are real. Thank you.