Monday, 29 November 2010

Therapy Today

Here's my session in words I can only just manage.

Arms and legs crossed.
My leg is twitching restlessly (angrily?)

She is "disappointed" to see me in this space after a positive Friday session where, having starved for a week, I was on a high.

I am worried by the word she uses.

Desperation claws at my insides, screaming that she will never understand.

She asks what I will do when the purging is no longer enough.
I tell her I will begin draining the blood from my body.
She tells me that my body will replenish it.
I don't mention that I am picturing my femoral artery.

I try to resist the urge to look at the clock as she talks.

Her words are like little woodpeckers on the side of my head.

She wants me to think about Christmas?

Did I not explain that two days without work leaves me reaching for death? What will stand between us for two WEEKS?

She reminds me that she won't be able to see me on my birthday (which she is not aware of) and I wonder if it is significant that it's the only day she has had to cancel.

That's all I can say for now.


  1. Holding you up and caring for you!!!! Wanda

  2. "Her words are like little woodpeckers on the side of my head."

    Your genius behind your pain seriously moves me. I'm sorry your therapist doesn't understand. I struggle with this too, but I've never found anyone that does.

    I'm thinking about you.

  3. sending you love, and holding you in heart . . . always . . . . .

    holding hope you will get through this without taking it out on your femoral . . . .

    hugs . . . if you can take them . . . .

  4. Love from my heart to yours - if you can handle it.
    If she doesnt know it is your birthday then she hardly can have cancelled on purpose!
    I am so concerned about you.
    Keep you in my heart and thoughts!

  5. HI LOVE-

    Go over to my blog and meet "Elisa", please. Please be okay. Ilove you

  6. Happy birthday, WS! Is it during the holiday break, or before then? I couldn't quite tell if you will have a therapy break also, or "just" from work, with the cancellation being then, or sooner. I have a birthday this week myself - the big roommies and I are going to do a quiet girls night at home with champagne, angel food cake (fat free, low cal...), strawberries, and just a little bit of white chocolate. Fun and hopefully not guilt-inspiring! I hope you will do something fun for your birthday too.

    I wonder what your therapist could say to you that would seem like she understands. Anything?

    Hugs -

  7. Andrea - Thank you, as always.

    Wanda - Thanks. Loved the poem.

    Campbell - Apart from the oft noted correlation with 'madness', I would think I'm about as far away from 'genius' as you get. But thank you so much for your kind words.
    It's very hard to feel as though nobody really gets it and I'm so sorry that you identify.
    I'm thinking of you too. x

    Anon - I don't think I could take hugs, but thank you for understanding that I might not be able to...
    Hoping you are doing ok... Is it Lis?

    Paula - I've been wondering how you're doing... Thanks for stopping by and pleaase don't be concerned.
    I didn't mean that the woman had cancelled on purpose... I just meant... well... just that it was strange. I know she's never cancel a session on purpose.
    Thank you for offering love

    Gail - I'm sorry I haven't written a comment on your post yet. Elisa is indeed beautiful and I was moved by the humility and love in your words.
    The fact that you feel her amazing warmth is just another indicator of how amazing YOU are.

    Dear Faith - Happy Birthday yourself... 36... Well done! I like the sound of your birthday plans and would definitely be up for joining you for the champagne (and the strawberries) bit!
    My birthday is actually Monday, which is the day she is cancelling our session (the reason escapes me). It's not a therapy break... just a one-off.
    I haven't got plans as it's a Monday and will be at work.
    My family, who are agonisingly aware of my figure, have asked if I want to go out for a meal (... yeah... GREAT suggestion...) but I insisted that I would rather cook my own at home.
    My friends don't know... and to be fair, most of them are not living anywhere near so... Yeah.

    Interesting wondering at the end there... I'm not sure I could identify what she could say to understand, although she must sometimes say things cos I'm sometimes surprised by what she 'gets'.
    I don't know.
    I'm rambling. Thank you for your words Faith.

    All of you... I'm almost ashamed to admit, but in some ways, your words here have almost kept me going today.


  8. reading this post reminds me of when I used to believe...that I had no right to exist. That thought consumed me. I found out....when I almost died...that it was a lie. And even when I knew it was a still played in my head. The power of that belief was so strong...too strong. WS....I'm here in your corner...and praying for your freedom.

  9. Dear Sarah,
    I don't know if I feel like that or not. A part of me feels as though the whole thing is made up. There's nothing wrong with me at all. It's just all something I'v somehow made up.

    I'm not sure what I believe. A right to exist? I just don't know.

    Thank you for always being in my corner. I so appreciate it. x

  10. yes, it is me . . . . and I'm doing ok . . .

    Thinking of you often, missing you, and always keeping you in heart . . . . . .

    much love to you . . . . .

  11. Hi WS. Just thinking about you. I had your share of cake and champagne, along with mine last night. It was a good birthday, just me and my roommates. I've never had roommates before (other than husbands; was married eleven of the last seventeen years). My roommates are what's kept me sane in the last few months, although they hopefully don't know that. Sounds like your closer friends are pretty helpful for you too, so I hope you get to see them again soon.

    Take care this weekend.

  12. Lissa... Likewise. I do still check in at the forum... I still think of you often... I hope you are ok..? xx

    Faith - I'm so glad it was a good birthday. I thought of you... I'm glad you had my share :)
    I had no idea you had been married. I wish you'd keep a blog so you could write about it...
    I'm glad you have such good roommates. REALLY glad. It sounds as tho they have been lifesavers in some way.
    I have struggled with friends lately... I met up with one today and had a very frank conversation which I should try to write about but can't because I feel raw and ill right now.
    Hope you are ok.