Saturday, 26 February 2011

The Difficulty Of Getting Something Down...

... is partly due to my inability to find words apt enough to describe the way I feel. This is compounded and made considerably more difficult by the fact that the feelings surrounding the food issues which occupy my mind much of the time, are not only in constant conflict with one another, but also shift precariously from a mode of total freeze over, to a frenetic clamoring of overwhelming proportions and volume.

Add to this the tide of lethargy that ebbs away at the desire to even attempt to find a voice, and the contrasting sense of compulsion to never sit still (thus burning calories almost constantly) and you have the ingredients for a pretty hit and miss blog.

Due to a binge session which my body won't allow me to purge, no matter how far my fingers get down my throat, I am battling the urge to just tear my stomach open and pull the food out by some twisted, self performed C-section type thing...


I am, as of next week, beginning a program of re-feeding at a new Eating Disorders Unit.
The terror I feel is pretty much indescribable, but the backlash against the inevitable weight gain has been drastic.
I never knew my weight could drop so fast once past a certain weight.

I now fall into the "critical" category with a BMI that puts me at very high risk.
With a body that is so weak and painful, I find it almost unbelievable that I STILL fear gaining weight... I don't know if I will ever understand how on earth my thinking has become SO WARPED, so disillusioned, that death seems to be the ever-so-slightly preferable option over watching the numbers on the scales increase.
At this point though, understanding hardly matters and in reality, the agony of my family is my greatest concern.

A part of me is looking for recovery, still trying to cling to hope, desperate for balance and normality.
I've bought SELF HELP books on eating disorders for goodness sakes.
I'm not a self help book person. In fact, generally, the trite, over simplified advice given in them, kills me... that or the fact that an equal number of books which profess to improve you, your life, relationships, memory, income, confidence, whatever, are written by people who learned to write alliterative lists of rehashed proverbs.

Moving on.

Reflecting today, I realised that this blog is less and less 'A Journey Through Therapy' and has (excuse the pun) been devoured by my eating disorder.

It seems that, for the time being, it will now centre around the struggles of 'recovery' (albeit, merely a notional reality for me).

With all this in mind, I apologise to anyone who has been misled with regards to the content herein.
I have considered starting another, more appropriately titled space, but realised one blog was hard enough to manage. The Woman still wants to see me weekly, if this is possible and so I will still be charting aspects of what goes on in The Little House In The Woods.
I guess in some ways, I will be examining the effects of both CBT and psychoanalytic therapy and just how effective and useful they are for me, and perhaps, for others in similar situations.


  1. Sending you hope as you start a new journey in therapy. I am standing behind you always.

  2. Thanks so much Wanda. I appreciate your support. x

  3. You are stronger than you know and worth it! I'm so happy you are starting a program.

    Oh my, how frightening a time for you but it is in the fright that you will move on....cling to every hand and word that gives you hope and know that albeit in blog-land I am here loving you and praying for you.
    Love Gail'

  5. Just wanted to say that I found CBT and analytical therapy helpful, but for me, several 'approaches' were necessary . . . and each one utilized was dependent on 'where' I was at the time . . . . and even though my therapy now is more focused on 'feelings' and 'psychodynamics', the other approaches still have their place, and are still very necessary at times . . . . . . my hope for you is that The Woman has the ability and knowledge to recognize this, and adjust her work with you accordlingly . . . . and that does not mean you will always agree with her . . . . . .

    I'm holding you closely in heart and thought, and I am maintaining my faith that you will soon be in a 'better' place, or clearly on your way there . . . . .

    Love to you . . . . . .


  6. Campbell - thanks so much for the encouragement. I was glad to read about your new unit... Im v much hoping that you can somehow know that the words you use about me here, apply equally to you... x

    Gail - As always, faithful to the last. Yes. It is indeed terrifying sms realistically, I cant imagine making it through, but I'm gonna have a go for the sake of those who love me as well as myself.
    I am clinging to every word of hope right now. I think I'm going to need a miracle. Treatment officially starts tomorrow and it feels like the hardest thing I've ever had to do right now. X

  7. Dear Melissa - Thanks for sharing your wisdom. The Woman wants me to go into the unit and receive this type of therapy because she feels that we can't really make progress at the moment because my physical health is so poor that I'm at risk of not being alive for much longer. She does v much recognise the value of other approaches. I guess I've jus been surprised that she hasn't wanted to dump me. Grateful too.
    Thanks for holding out in faith. I share that for you too y'know.

  8. My heart goes out to you. Relieved that you start a program. I was yearning this for you sine I came to your blog the first time. Our inner demons and myths are hard to battle. Till now you were holding on to life and blog. Independent that you are at risk YOU ARE HERE.
    Love from my heart to yours.