Sunday, 13 February 2011


My silence does not reflect a lack of happening.
Rather it is me sitting very, very still in a vain effort to just hold on to the dream-tilting floor on which I appear to be crumpled.

No longer able to work out, I have experienced an incredibly rapid, not to mention painful, wasting of my muscles.
Despite the plummeting scales, pulse rate, metabolism, body temperature and capillary refill times, my 'rational'/natural sense of alarm is still usurped by this absurd illness' desperation to lay waste to my physical form.

The Eating Disorders Team insist on weekly meetings, blood tests and ECGs and have become increasingly forthright in demanding my attendance and compliance with their requests.
I stumbled out of Friday's meeting in the horror glare of full beam headlights, my autonomy waved in front of me like an over exposed photo.
I commence full time treatment in their new unit in the first week of March. Failure to comply will result in the section route.
One of the primary focuses of the treatment is re-feeding.

I suspect that you have to be half bloody mad yourself before you can begin to understand the absolute frozen terror which lies in thick sheets at the bottom of my stomach.


  1. Oh my WS, oh my.......
    I can feel your fear and desperation - and still a twinge of hope for you are hanging in, hanging on and showing up to be captured by the treatment team and viewed and directed and dare I say, helped! please stay with it - one moment at a time, stay. if you do, one day you WILL be free, I swear it's true.
    Loving you and sending you light and strength and all good energy.

  2. Well, this is pretty stark. I know that you know it's not supposed to be a confrontation, not between you and them, anyway. Still, it seems worth emphasizing. They're on your side. It's not about them taking away your autonomy, enforcing your compliance. The big confrontation is of course within yourself. I know it's already difficult, and may become more so. If you can find a way to not think of these friends, this Team, as enemies, it can lessen this one obstacle. You can trust them. At least, they can be trusted. Thinking of you - FT

  3. I made it out of that place and you will, too. You can do this. I have faith in you. Hold on, dear. Just hold on.

  4. Well, I suppose this has been coming for a while, but your post left me sitting in a corner, in tears, in sympathy.

    I read the post yesterday, and couldn't trust myself to reply until today.

    I hope you can make this the beginning of a journey back, WS, I really do.

    Thinking of you, as ever.


  5. Oh (((((((((( WS )))))))) . . . . . my heart aches for your agony, but I am holding so much hope . . . . . so,so much hope . . . . . . I know it is a treacherous battle . . . .

    huge love to you . . . . .