Wednesday, 19 August 2009

Prison of Panic

If I had been kidnapped and locked up in a house with my jailer, it would be very likely that I would be furiously angry with him or her. I suspect that I would spend some time trying to cajole, some trying to empathise and some just screaming and cursing.

Today my house is my prison and I am my own jailer.

I was supposed to be going away for a few days, I've even been excited about the prospect. I really need to get away.
I'm no longer going. I can't face it. I am 'saving myself' by staying in prison.

What do you do when you are your jailer? Empathise? Get angry?
The obvious answer is to force myself to face the fear... to attempt to break out, ut I've done that so many times over the years and, contrary to the CBT philosophy, instead of getting easier each time, it's always as bad, if not worse.

So. I'm curling up in my cell, which sounds shockingly feeble, but is at least better than the fight when I am this tired of it.


  1. The house which holds you are the walls that you build in your mind. Baby steps are the way to go, this is not a time to take major leaps. Be well. You are loved.

  2. Sometimes we build walls(safe places) to protect ourselves. Normally all it causes is more fear and isolation. Keep trying small steps and keep talking about it.

  3. Thank you both for your words.