Monday, 7 September 2009

No 'Nice' Here.

I'd love to write with the grace and maturity of someone who has gained the much sought after emotional wisdom and perspective that sometimes seeps from the recollection of pain.
I'd love to maintain a cool and collected distance from myself. For the feelings I have to be something I could hold away from my body and walk around, considering what they show me and what I can learn from them. (Picture some pretentious guy walking around a piece of abstract sculpture, head cocked to one side and forefinger deliberately curled over the crescent of his chin).
I'd like to be able to paint my inside as a wave of detached blue and green maturity, sculpt it in smooth, round curves or chisel it in cool, quiet marble.
I want it to look like the understated elegance of silk, smell like the comfort of fresh white cotton and sound like the words of a beautiful song.

It's not like that.
It's not looking or sounding how I want it to.

Instead it is the image of the screaming red child thrashing the floor. It's reds and blacks painted in blood. Heavy handed strokes from a graceless brush.
It is unsanded wood, splintered and charmless. Curses and ineloquent stammering, an ear clutching dissonance of petulant rage.
It is a mesh of shameful scribblings and blots, the retching stench of maggot ploughing flesh in the attic corner.

Too much, I know. I was just getting into it.

I jest, but in all honesty, all the melodramatic metaphors an similes in the world couldn't really touch the how I feel now.

I want to surround myself with fifty foot walls and then wrap barbed wire around and around the perimeter.
I told my therapist this in today's session and she asked which side she'd be on.
I didn't know and she suggested that perhaps she would have ease of access.

Yes. I thought.
Until you go and f*ck it up.

I so don't want to be this pathetic but it I'm being swallowed alive and I'm too disgusted by myself to even explain why.


  1. You are not alone. I have had some of the same feelings. We must never give up. I'm glad you have a therapist to talk to.

  2. Hi-
    I was once buried - for years - so I cannot join you behind your 50 foot wall with barbed wire - I will stay out here in the light - and continue to reach to you until you are ready to reach back. I am here.

    Love Gail

  3. I'm with Wanda and Gail. Never give up. Someone once told me if I was happy, really happy, got my life together - that would be the best revenge. Hang in there ok. Please don't ever give up. There is light. It gets better. Praying and believing for you. Sarah

  4. I am so glad that you have people who are reaching out to you and especially so that you have a therapist. I hope she is one who pays attention to your spirituality, as well as your psyche.

  5. Hi, there, I am new in your circle. I once was behind this wall. I am out and waiting for you. It is worthwhile. We are born with a grand plan for our life, a grand dream. My one is shalken and shattered , but I try to soar. dream my dream- often with gritted teeth, but make my sopirit fly, I wait for you to come out and fly with us. Hugs across the pond

  6. This is not an easy place to be in any way shape or form. One cannot pretend that this experience is not real. You must still dig deep to find the true you, the you that you love. Stay with yourself and shift through process.

  7. Thank you all for your comments.
    I can't believe that anyone reads this stuff.

    Wanda - As always. Thanks. It's good to know.

    Gail - I'm a chicken. Maybe one day I will be more daring. I am trying...

    Sarah - Thank you. I know you speeak from experience.

    Elizabeth - I'm not sure whether she does or not. It is early days and I'm not good at being open but time will tell. Thank you for dropping in.

    Paula - You sound brave. Your jounrey can't have been easy and yet you have managed to hope. I admire that. Thank you for your words.
    Your name doesn't link to your blog... I would like to visit yours... How?!

    Mark - I feel like you must be disgusted at the whining here given that you are talking about making the subconscious conscious! But.. thank you for kindness. I will stay with me for as long as I can bear to... but it does get unbearable!

  8. I have felt exactly like you do now. And I totally get the thing about not completely trusting your therapist. It's so hard to trust... even someone who has always been there, unconditionally, as mine has. It's so hard to believe that this time is going to be the time that someone with answers will stay by your side and help you find your way.

    I get it, so completely.

    There is hope... I promise.