1. We follow thought ropes which very suddenly get chopped by an immense, invisible axe.
Typical scenario = Therapist says something which suddenly strikes me
Me = "Yeah! That's true..! I remember this one time..."
CHOP
Silence. My mind is blank and I have no recollection of what I
was about to say. My mind has emptied, my ears are ringing and
when I speak again, I am accutely aware of how loud I am speaking
and the fact that I feel like I'm slurring my words like a drunk.
T = "Your mind fragmented just then. Interesting how that happens"
Me = "I don't know what I was saying".
So. Back to the veil of mist that hangs around my head but different from the grey patches and zooming I wrote about the other day. Another form of dissociation though perhaps?
Another thing.
2. My therapist madea comment today about the fact that I am very prone to quite upsetting psychosomatic responses, that is, my body "feels" in a way that my soul (or whatever it is tht feels) can't.
As soon as she makes an observation about me I am near drowned by a mighty wave of complete fear that she doesn't believe a word of what I am saying.
It's totally irrational and I cannot for the life of me figure how the wave forms or where it comes from, but it is so powerful and so frightening that it chokes me nd makes it impossible to speak.
Last one,
3. Every session when I tell her something about an experience or feeling and she goes to feed something back to me, I brace myself for a disgusted sweep of hand. I sit and feel my insides twist as I wait for her to start telling me to get a life. To tell me that none of it matters.
I wait for her to tell me that she can't be bothered and I am a waste of time.
Every session I walk out and drive away wondering how I got away with it for another day.
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Hi-
ReplyDeletetherapy is hard work. I did my share as a client, phew, and much more as the therapist. My life;s work has been such. I took my therapeutic journey from 1987 to 1990 give or take. Wi5h a few tune ups over the years. And, I think your therapist believes you.
Love and hope for us all
Gail
peace......
this sounds too much like me. The need to being believed, the fear of getting hurt, the need for approval. Praying you have a gentle weekend. Sarah
ReplyDeletewe can certainly resonate this sort of blank in therapy, the invisible axe is a good analogy
ReplyDeleteI think the axe is a protective device, fear of divulging too much, fear of being rejected. You must find away to not fear judgment, first you must let go of judging yourself. You are love, there are no rights and wrongs, simply love and love does not judge or be judged, it just is.
ReplyDeleteThis all sounds so familiar. I can relate to what you are say.
ReplyDeleteI don't have an axe. I have putting my fist through a window. Right hand for some reason. For me it is being told we are going somewhere where we should not at that time. I do not think the violence is anything more than I am sometime dense and that is the only way to get my attention.
ReplyDeleteSometimes it is ripping up what I am drawing. I have learned for me that it is a sign to stop. Once I learned that than there are now signs that if I am not dense I know mean it is time to slow down or do a dodge for a while.
With my first therapist that was with me when I first started to process the abuse the dodge was "How about those Red Socks" neither of us followed baseball. With my current therapist I typically just cry for a spell. Some times it is a two tissue day.
Hey Gail,
ReplyDeleteThanks for your reassurance. Your own experience certainly sounds like one hell of a journey! Thanks for sharing some of it with me.
Sarah,
Your prayers are always appreciated. I'm sorry that you identify with that horrible fear of not being believed. It is a really tough one to deal with.
Jumpininpuddles,
Thanks for stopping by. Seems like you Hi Micheal,
Thank you so much for reading and commenting.
I like the idea of having 'a dodge'! It's a good one!understand some of that blank feeling...
Mark,
Your comment made me think. Yes, the axe is protective but I'm not sure why I would need that. It's not that I have anytning particularly horrific to deal with. Confuses the hell out of me.
You're right that love doesn't judge... but I am unsure that I 'am love'... On the contrary, I feel far from being that...
Wanda,
As always, thank you for understanding and relating.
Micheal,
Thank you so much for reading and commenting.
I like the idea of having 'a dodge'! It's a good one!
Whatever you have inside that blocks those thoughts must be frightened. The fear you suffer comes across quite strongly in your entire post. I have found it helpful to get acquainted with such fears, honor them, and accept them. Fear is unavoidable, and is not always in proportion to how 'horrific' (reading your comment to Mark) your memories seem. The more comfortable you feel being frightened, the easier it will be to move past it.
ReplyDeleteBoy, don't I sound preachy. But to a large extent I am parroting what I've heard or read elsewhere. It helps to read what you've written, because it forces me to clarify my own path with regard to fear, and recommit to moving toward, rather than away from my trouble spots.
Just read your comment Will... It was very kind, comforting even. I guess that fear is the one thing that really plagues me... I feel like I almost 'become' fear at times because it's so all emcompassing.
ReplyDeleteThank you for your advive. you didn't sound 'preachy'.. It jst made me feel like you had listened to me carefully and were giving me something from your own experience.
I'm glad that in some small way, something I have written has helped you to clrify something for yourself.
Dang, I guess we all can relate and say, 'this sounds so much like me.' I appreciate you sharing this was too good!
ReplyDeleteBlessings.....