Saturday, 19 December 2009

Circling at One Thousand Feet

It's ironic that as I sit down once again, to tackle the subject of eating disorders, and in particular, anorexia, I have an image of me circling my subject like a very hungry animal circles a potential feed; warily and full of tentative, watchful suspicion that what is being circled might suddenly retaliate with a defensive blow from a place which went unnoticed.

This topic. I'm afraid it has the potential to do that.

I have written a fair bit about
my sister. In fact, there are a few posts here about her and although it is not easy to write about, it's more because of my sense of hopelessness around making others understand than any deep pain at the memories of the experiences.
In fact, if anything, I have very few memories and the ones I do have are almost totally devoid of any feeling.
Giant pools of nothingness swill and wash around my insides much of the time. I feel that underneath everything... under all the angst and the pain and the upset, there is nothing.
Just an empty, black void.

Hopping out of that void for a minute, it's fair to say I have been circling my own feed for a while now.
I've burnt a lot of calories with my circling.

I don't expect understanding.
In fact, if anything, I expect to be met with the same level of horror and disgust that I feel about myself.

Having such an intimate knowledge of what it is to have to stand by and watch a loved one scream and twist in an unreachable cage, shredding themselves against the razor bars, you'd think that:

  1. I would have more common sense and

  2. I would never be as selfish as to inflict it on those who are already so broken.

But no.
It seems that I lack the ability to apply the logic I am such close friends with and that I am clearly so completely wrapped up in myself, that I care very little that others will suffer.

I have developed an eating problem.

I don't want to call it Anorexia because that is what my sister has suffered from for over half of her years on earth, and any similarities between us disappeared long ago.
It also just feels fundamentally wrong to be "anorexic".
I'm just not LIKE that.
It's not me.
I'm not the type.

And... at any given moment, I feel in grave danger of all my control slipping away from me. In other words, I don't know if I can keep up the starvation, the denial, the ferocity of the exercise regime BUT if I even think about going easier on myself, I will be unable to stop the gorging and the uncontollable binging that will follow.

I recognise that wht I have just written lacks balance.

It is a problem I can't find an answer to.

I need extreme lack.


  1. Hi-
    You know yourself so very well. Many struggle to reach such awareness. And yet, awareness has it's own consequences, responsibilities, challenge, and on and on.........if I may suggest something - while you are aware and writing - Call your therapist and consider in-patient' treatment. It may just give you the forum to gain control and freedom. Think of it as a gift to yourself. a gift of life you SO deserve. I took a risk in suggesting this, I know. I feel your 'armor' and it is yours to keep on - and I am painfully aware of not trying to get on the other side of it. I felt this suggestion was worth the risk and I hope, that over time, I have 'earned the right' to suggest.
    With love and hope for us all

  2. dear fellow being ! aren´t we eating disordered people always great in giving words to our embalance ? please don´t question yourself for not being in balance. I think that we can find balance, but it´s a painful process sometimes. others can suppress the feelings and thoughts that make us sick.
    about the way people can react to your postings - I can relate to your anticipation of rejection through others. but you´re a wonderful soul and you don´t need to be afraid of being rejected. whoever rejects you doesn´t know what they miss.
    just wanted to give you my solidarity. we´re searching and I have hope that we´ll find fulfillment once we know what we need - and confess it to ourselves. I´m with you on this (often lonely) journey. all my compassion.

  3. My thoughts are with you. Please do what ever it takes to take care of yourself.

  4. what eventually helped me was love that wouldn't let go. I struggled so long - starving - cold, tired....angry from being so hungry and not letting myself eat...throwing up day after day after day. I don't know how but somehow He broke through - touched was still a long process to recover but I didn't feel alone anymore. Praying for you....Never give up...Hey if I can be of any help to you...I'm here ok. Sarah

  5. Still listening, my friend, and hearing a breakthrough, however small it may feel to you . . . and I know it must be excruciating to see what you fight so hard to deny, and I know that you are also likely torturing yourself for the shame you feel in what you are beginning to see . . . I hope you are able to take it to your therapist and allow her to help . . . such a risk, I know . . . to believe you can be helped . . . but, my friend, you are not your sister, and you must give YOURSELF a chance . . . I believe in your capabilities, and I am always here for you when I am able . . .

    So much respect and love ( and don't think I don't know that my saying that doesn't sting a bit) . . but it's true . . . and I have never, and can never imagine, feeling disgust for you, or for the ways in which you have/continue to cope . . .

    missing you at my cyber home . . . is still your home, too, when/if you need it . . .

    Much love and huge ((((hugs)))) . . . .


  6. I'm never really sure whether people read my replies here because I often reply when I have had a little time to absorb rather than straight away...

    Andrea - Thank you for your prayers. There is something quite cmforting in knowing that someone out there is doing that for me...
    You did say 'praying WITH you' and I have to reply (with my head fairly low) with the truth that I don't really pray for myself anymore. Other people, yes... But me?
    In all honesty Andrea, and I KNOW it's not meant to be like this, I feel too ashamed and too disgusted by myself to pray for me.
    I think God is horrified and disgusted by me.

    Gail - Struck by your insights.
    Yes I do know myself very well and it is partly because of that level of self awareness, which I have always had really, that I feel so hopeless... Although just lately, I have felt that perhaps I don't know all there is to know about me...
    And the awareness I have, seems to be confined to certain areas (logical, work oriented, the person who people in the real world get to see) and outside of those, I am lost... frozen... just a little kid with nothing but 'I like' and 'I don't like'.

    You have 'earned the right' Gail... Yes.
    My armour... Your risk... You KNOW.
    I could never do as you suggest though.
    That would be.... it would have to involve people and I could never do it.

    Thank you for being real. x

    κΩNκΩκtΩ - Thank you for stopping by.
    I'm glad you understand the fear of posting with such honesty...the fear of being met with disgust if you allow people to glimpse the inside...
    I'm so sorry you struggle with this too.
    Thank you for solidarity and your compassion and your sharing.

    Wanda - Thank you for hearing. I suspect I know what it would take to take care of myself but... I am in direct conflict with another side of myself...

    Sarah - Thank you.I know that you know about the eating and the anger and the desperation.
    Right now, it feels like it'll never be ok.
    Thank you for your support.
    I wish i could find a way to make it all disappear.
    God's love helped make things a little better for you... but for me, I have already experienced that love and somehow, it still all went wrong. I went wrong. idon't know... I dn't know how to make it ok again and I don't know how to get back to whatever I had when i wasn't quite so... raw? I don't know...

    As always... your words...
    Thank you for your friendship in this place. I have been trying to be on the forum a bit... I guess you saw... It's riddled with all sorts for me...

    Thank you for not being disgusted.

  7. The simplest answer and most effective is to simply "let go"... and be ...

  8. Thank you for visiting and commenting on my blog. I can so relate to what you have written in your sidebar, and the eating problem on one level. I just eat and wish I had the discipline to deny myself, though. Neither extreme is good, I know.

  9. Hi-

    I always read your replys - they are very important to me so I know how you are receiving me.
    I am honored that it is okay for me to risk and suggest - I so understand how delicate this all is and I so respect your place and journey. I am here as is Annie.
    all of me loves you.

  10. Mark - Hi... and ... yes... that probably is the answer... But letting go is a hard thing to do.
    And... letting go of what?
    Good to 'see' you Mark x

    Beth - Hey. Thanks for stopping by. I'd guess there are quite a few who can identify with what I wrote in the sidebar... So many of us hiding sadness with socially acceptable smiles. Those of us who have to fight with depression have to manage life like that though huh?
    You are right about neither extreme being good. Food is such an issue.
    I used to eat compulisvely too.
    It's a horrible feeling. x

    Gail - I just dont know what to say.
    I want to thank you but I also want to run and hide.
    Thank you and... yeah... I... am a little lost for words at your... kindness here....