Thursday, 17 December 2009

My Cage.

I'm so tired.
Not just lack-of-sleep tired.

Soul tired.

Sometimes depression feels like an extra limb growing out of me; grotesque and oversized. Not something that could escape my notice.
More often though, depression becomes so innate that it is barely distinguishable.
It coats my insides in a death mist that slows my senses, blots my feelings and leaves me feeling little more than an empty shell.
I am a container of a hidden fog of gas so noxious, so insidious, that I can no longer recognise my edges. Perhaps then, that is partly why I need to be able to see and feel each rib; why I need to be small enough for me to hold.

A sense of desperation claws at the arid valleys of emptiness inside me.

On my 33rd birthday, I weighed 6 stone 8 pounds.
Less than I weighed when I was 13.

I'm trapped in a wire cage and, when I dare to look at the space inviting the unknown, I become so afraid and feel so broken, I dare not fly through it.
I'm left clinging to the perch, with an energy I can't sustain, in a very foggy, very frightening cage.

I'm so so so upset that I have let panic win today.

I'm sad enough to taste salt tonight.


  1. Oh my dear sweet one, you must never give up. Hold on with everything that is within you.

  2. " I reach through the cage to you just reach back and hold on.

    Love and hope

  3. I am reaching through the cage too. Hold on ok. I remember being there....feeling alone and really cold...cold all the time...But it got better. I don't even know how but it did. Hold on ok. Sarah

  4. I'm trying to hold on.
    Thank you all.
    I really a trying.
    I feel shame at the misery that is exposed in this blog... but I am desperate right now and nobody really knows.

    Thank you for reaching through.

    I'm trying to dae to reach too.

  5. Sometimes the panic does win the battle but it won't win the war. I am glad you have this place to write what is so hard to speak. Thinking of you.

  6. lostinamaze -
    Thank you for understanding.