Saturday, 12 December 2009

Distorted Perceptions?

Most people with an eating disorder have a skewed perception of their body.

I know this. Better even than most.

I remember walking through town a few years back as my sister explained to me that a Size 8 COULD be fat.
I remember the hot, white anger, tempered by my mind curling around her words, desperately trying to grasp for an understanding, some logic.
I remember it as one of the many, many moments where I felt that my ribcage was a small, cold, metal box holding a bomb.

I've talked a lot about my sister's illness but haven't particularly been able to talk about what has happened to me.

Although it feels like strange and frightening territory, it is perhaps possible, that when I see myself, I don't see what others see. Or at least, different parts of me see differet things.

In therapy we have been, quite gently, picking up the notion of having different parts.
My parts don't communicate with each other, which I'm told, is a bit of an issue.

I realised this week, that my different parts all have something very different invested in starvation...
This would explain why I can't work it out and why my understanding fluctuates between fine, morning mist and a blanket of thick, inpeneterable fog.
Diffeeent parts have different reasons and I can't even access some of them.

It's possible that I even have parts that I don't know.


I'm torn between thinking this is absurd, illogical psychobabble


the possibiity that, in trusting my therapist, there is something more... something other... some chance that what I am now is not all I ever will be.


  1. Hi-
    ".........what I am now is not all I will ever be". Oh yes, this is SO true. Each moment we are forever difernt form the moment before and in the emotional realm and therapeutic journey as we unfold in to ourselves and embrace all the layers, facets and purpose of all of ourselves we are forever changing - and all change leads to a whole self of what already is, secure in integrating what is and what will be. This is your journey to self. Amazing - and I am privileged and honored to share in it. I really am.

    Love to you my friend

    p.s. I would love to know your name.

  2. "the possibility that, in trusting my therapist, there is something more... something other... some chance that what I am now is not all I ever will be."

    There is, indeed, something more, my friend . . . it is the "trusting" that makes it so difficult to see that truth . . . . it is a risk, and it will likely be a painful one . . . but taking it is an important part of the journey . . . .

    I know you can do it. . . I have seen your amazing courage and fortitude over and over again . . .(and don't think I don't know how tough that is for you to believe) . . . you have made so much progress in your self discovery, although I realize it may not feel way . . . . . hope you eventually get to know the wonderful parts that I do . . . they are truly brilliant . . . .

    Listening always with love and respect . . .


  3. faith....that things will change for the better. Believing with you. Knowing that will become a reality. I think everything starts with something inside us that wants better. Stay safe. Sarah

  4. Hear what you are saying. Believing in you.

  5. Gail - Thank you for your words.
    My therpist talks about integrating too. I'm not sure how that will work but...
    I'm walking blind right now.
    I will fnd a way of giving you my real name.. but not here... It feels too exposing here.

    Thank you for being here and for your beautiful words.
    It almost feels too much... but I know that you "know" and I hope you will be ok with the knowing.
    I have been reading your thread. I'm so sorry to still be so quiet. It feels very, very ard to find words still and I'm not sure I can ever go back to the way it was before everything... But I'm still there and I'm still listening and caring deeply.
    Thank you again, for being here.
    Don't get overwhelmed with being here and the forum. It feels like a lot and I'm ok.
    So much love to you my friend.

    Sarah - I so hope you're right.
    I'm guessing that is how things started to come right for you... with that want for something better...?
    Thank you so much for staying with me. x

    And I you....

  6. I have different "parts". A lot of them. Trust your therapist but trust yourself more. It is tough to start the process but you will be glad in the long-term.

    Take care...