Friday, 29 January 2010

Balance? What's that?

I have binged.

It could have been worse I guess... I could have eaten forever.

I COULD have eaten hundreds and hundreds of chocolates.

I hae put on a pound and because of that, tonight I have felt as though it's all pointless.

It's all or nothing with me.

Black and white.

On or off.

Solid ground or thin air.

I hate this feeling. The sensation of being too big for my body; the feelings of loss... and paradoxically, of gain.

I haven't written lately. Partly because I have just been too busy, and partly because, although there has barely been a day when I haven't wanted to put something down, I have felt unable to give sound to the internal metal clashing of swords drawn to kill.

Unable to give sound to the clenching and wailing and writhing of the child trapped in my rib-boned cell.

Unable to give sound to the throat choking tears, which flow rapidly down hidden cheeks, brushed away with the backs of hasty, humiliated hands.

My therapist recogises the fact that I can't take much in... I can't allow much to touch me.

I'm just learning this.

When I find words, I'll try to work it out a little more.


  1. Hi love-

    I am shifting as I type - I am not in charge of the shift only how I handle it happening. If you read my last post that statement will make more sense. phew.

    And I am SO in awe of how you write - so able to clearly detail your state of being - it is amazing to me. and may I humbly ask you to try and give your inner child a name - "Annie" says hi to her.

    "Unable to give sound to the clenching and wailing and writhing of the child trapped in my rib-boned cell."

    it starts with a name.........

    Love and hope

  2. Andrea - Thanks... but I'm not praying. Not really.
    I don't think there is much point.
    It's too complicated but I don't think God wats me right now, and I'm not complaining becuase I wouldnt want me right now either.
    So, for the record, there is probably little point in praying because I am rejecting God and that is, as we al know, positively evil.
    Thanks anyway though.

    Gail - ..................... Yes. I read about the shifting. I haven't aid anything because I simply didn't know what to say. It sounds quite... uncertain.
    I think what you have been through has had an impact. It takes a long time to get over the pain of seeing others suffer.

    My inner child Gail... A name...
    I'm ashamed of what I wrote about her... In all truth, I got a shock when i read back on what I had written because I had no recollction of writing it.
    My therapist says it is dissociation.
    I find it almost unbelievable.


  3. My thoughts are with you. I have had moments like these, all this self-talk is not doing us any good. This turmoil within us is making us fight ourselves and for you it's with "Gail". Was told to relieve this through losing ourselves in sights and sounds. Music, the outdoors. Everytime this ringing comes on, sing a tune, don't think about it. You are not hiding simply refocusing, until you have proper help. A friend, the church, a therapist ... if you are strong enough yourself. This I have been told, so I hope It will work for the time being.

    Dear one, I would like you to know, God comes to you when you are most in need. Trust me. When you call out to him, he will come. You are not calling out. Like a parent no matter how badly you are hurting or behaved, when you go running to them, they will give you the biggest hug. He's there, really really there. I kid you not! I feel him, you will too, and then you will see the light and all will be clear. Still suffering but definitely a little clearer. Call him, you might just dream about him!

  4. We can only move forward from where we are.... What we've done in the past is past. Take each moment and do what you can. When you don't do it perfectly, don't worry. We are not meant to be perfect.
    We are not meant to be perfect... only ourselves, and who you are is perfect exactly as you are.

  5. These are the most important words my therapist ever taught me. I AM ENOUGH.


    We really care about you, I know Crazy huh?