Monday, 4 January 2010

Therapy Break Over

In the instant that I reached for the unreachable branch, my arms shuddered and muscles tore down the blades.
Knives seared through my neck and my shoulders and I let go and fell to the black sea.
The unbending branch, stark against the whitened cliff edge, continued to point spindle fingers West, as if reaching for the orange sun favouring the far horizon.

Generally people seem to be upset when therapy breaks appear and I can understand that.
I can understand the feeling of isolation. The dread at having to face things alone. The thought that, even if you do talk, you won't be heard for the duration of the break.
I understand all those things though I haven't really felt them over the past fortnight.
Neither have I experienced the profound sense of relief that a minority of people express at the idea of having a break.
In fact, I didn't really think about it too much.
Not very much.

I suppose it is in keeping with most things in my life.
I feel the aftermath more than the event.
As I sat outside her house this afternoon, I didn't want to go in.

Fifty minutes.
What do you say after two weeks? There's nothing at all there.
It felt... pointless.
Empty, but ironically because it felt so full of nothingness.
Inexplicably angry.

I wanted to kick out as I left.

"Yes... an OK holiday"
"No, I didn't feel much about my sister".
"Yes I spent a lot of time at the gym".
"No people at work didn't make any more comments about my weight today".
"Yes New Year's Eve was positive"

I lost my voice today. More, there just didn't seem any point in using it.

All wires and no plug.

She was positive about a part of the holiday I'd managed well.
It felt as though she only wanted to hear good things.
I only gave her good things.

It's a waste of time.
I can't even be honest with myself here, let alone with her there.
I feel like giving up.
I am unreasonably angry that she couldn't see what I couldn't show.
I'm too scared to even begin to think what it is that i couldn't show.

In that room, there was nothing in me today that could be expressed with words.

Is this normal after a therapy break?


  1. Some times we want to please the therapist so much we can not open up to what we are really feeling. Breaks in therapy seem to leave me back at ground zero. It leaves me unconnected. This may be normal. I just don't know.

  2. When I have a break through...I become exhausted and a bit empty for a little bit. It just takes a little time for me to get back in the game. I have to spend time with the LORD and that is where I get plugged back in.

    Blessings and prayers, andrea

  3. I've felt that way in therapy before. Once I start to make progress I put a positive spin on everything. Like Wanda Wings said, I want to please the therapist. I'm not sure if I've ever been completely honest in therapy. Maybe that's why I stopped going. ;-/

  4. Wanda - Thanks.
    Yes perhaps it is a little about pleasing her. I'm not really sure.
    In many ways I just didn't have the words but in some ways, I didn't have the courage.
    It helped to know you felt unconnected after breaks.
    The image that first sprung to mind was that of a plug pulled out of a socket.
    Thankyou for being here. x

    Andrea - Thank you and yes, I read your prayer request. It sounds like you have a lot going on and I pray for strength.
    Spending time with the Lord sounds like a good idea if I knew how to do that anymore.
    I don't know which of us is more unreachable these days.
    Beth - Yes. Your observation is so right... Putting a positive spin on things and then feeling as though there is just no point anymore.
    I don't know if it's ever possible to be totally honest with another human being (let alone ourselves).
    Hearing that therapy was difficult for you. The face you posted at the end was... a bit sad? Frustrated?
    Hope the haircut is helping! x

  5. Many times I thought therapy was a waste...came home and cut or threw up. Sat with the t unable to open my mouth..too agreeable...drifting away in my head...But I needed to go. It kept me alive until I could face what I needed...It took a really long time. Praying for you. Sarah

  6. Dear Sarah.
    Thank you.
    I'm feeling so desolate tonight.
    It's good to hear those words because they sound like me.

  7. HI-

    therapy is a complicated relationship. and the fact that it ebbs and flows, has peaks and valleys are all signs of a working relationship - real people with real emotion. like all things difficult - it takes time to resolve the outcomes and along the way the design is ever changing. none of it will work if there is no trust - so if oyu trust her just go with it - the ups, the downs, the in-betweens and the purpose - for you to be whole, well, and at peace, all in time my brave friend, all in time.
    love gail

  8. its quite normal, what we have found is we go into therapy after abreak with a recap ofthe time spent away and nio expectations of doing anything else, that way the pressure is off and you cna settle back into therapy better.

  9. "Normal" is a very subjective state of being, who knows what is normal, and if it is normal what does that mean to you. What do you fear you will find out about yourself if you really let loose? Fear not that which is just below the surface for that is not your true self, even though you may think it is. Allow that which you fear to show and you will be amazed by what lies just beyond that which you sense. Much love to you.

  10. Gail - Thank you for your words.
    I am writing a pst about what I found out when I was trying to work out what was going on.
    I think though, that you explan it better than I can. x

    Jumpinginpuddles - Thankyou so much for letting me know about your experience.
    I so appreciate your reassurance. x

    Mark - I'm touched because you seem to be very patient here and I'm aware that your own wisdom and your own beliefs go far, far beyond my own.
    You are right about 'normal' being subjective. I suppose that what I was asking was, 'is this common?'
    I don't understand much of what it is that I fear. I think a lot of things feel too dangerous to go near.
    I was interested by your words about that which is just below the surface not being your true self.
    Where is your true self?
    Thank you, Mark. x