Thursday, 22 April 2010

Delights of Duloxetine

I don't even want to think how long I have been taking the anti depressant, 'Citalopram' for. Perhaps a decade?

I guess that the efficacy of most medications decreases after long periods of time, although I have never heard this theory in relation to anti d's so cannot claim that this is the case.

However, last week, suffocated by a thickening black fog, I stumbled into the doctor's surgery (not a place I frequent unless death feels imminent) and admitted I had no desire to be alive anymore.

I sat hollowed and empty, crying without feeling the sensation of tears on my cheeks.
I answered questions that I can't remember, without being able to form coherent sentences.

A change in medication has been suggested before but I have always felt too anxious about the upheaval of such change. This time, I simply no longer cared.

I didn't care much about anything actually.

Didn't care when a man who had been staring at me in his car got out and followed me to a secluded area of woodland.

Didn't even care when he tried to make a move on me.

Nothing happened and I suppose I was lucky.

Either way, I find myself, a week into stopping Citalopram, a week into weaning onto Duloxetine (more famously, Cymbalta).

The effects have been good in terms of my mood, though at this point, it could well be a combination of factors, not least of which would be my return to work after the fraught Easter "Holiday" where I lived two weeks as a fugitive. Alternating between hideouts in the gym, supermarket car parks, retail outlets and coffee shops... Anywhere to avoid the pressure of food.

The downside is the side effects.
I haven't slept a full night for two weeks.
The pressure in my right ear is, at times, immense. My eardrum seems to oscillate constantly, and I am drive crazy by the fruitless attempts at yawning.
My stomach is bloated and rock solid. I am almost bent double from the acid pain that spreads from one end of my diaphragm to the other.
That kind of thing.

I have a huge amount going on in my mind but I feel unable to express any of it.

So what's new? I ask myself.


  1. I can so relate! I've was first diagnosed with depression @ 12 years old. I just got out of the hospital again.

  2. Hi WS - I have to say that I feel fortunate that I cannot relate to this and you know I have to be honest with you - when I read these posts I have no idea what to say, how to comment although I feel compelled to do so simply because personal honesty such as what you express in this post requires something. Some acknowledgment regardless of what form the acknowledgment takes.

    I have no idea what to say that you should be living like this other than I am sorry and I wish it was not so for you.

  3. HI WS

    Oh my you have really beeen through it and still are adjusting. I know how horrid medications can be all too well from the MS meds I take. The fact that you are dong it speaks volumes to your unspoken desires in the best of ways.

    Love and hope for us all

  4. Hi WS- I found your blog from locatingmylifes blog. I can relate to so many of the feelings you share. I chose to be open about who I am on my blog, but sometimes I wish I had chosen to stay hidden in order to write as candidly as you. i hope as you write that it really provides a solace and therapeutic help to you and all you go through. I know what you mean to suffer emotionally so strongly and have no severe trauma to name as the cause. Keep writing

  5. Since January I am on anti d, first time ever. The one I am having is Trevilor (Venlafaxine) mostly prescribed by listlessnes, procrastination, and particularly by anxiety disorder. It does help me and Iam grateful for it right now.
    However i do know that it takes time till a body adjusts. This stuff interferes deeply with our chemical mechanism and that takes a bit time - I found it amazing that you managed to seek help under the most despairing circumstances. I agree with Gail it shows a lot about your underlaying desires. Mill of hugs to you

  6. I know I am late with a response and I've done another post since etc etc... but I just wanted to say,

    Wanda - I kno things have been awful for you and I am so sorry to hear about the hospital. I'm glad that they looked after you though.
    I'm sorry I've been quiet. I have been around and I have been reading. It's been hard to 'speak' lately.
    I hope you are feeling a tiny bit better.
    Thank you for understanding.

    JSS - I was more than a little touched by what you said.
    The genuineness and the absolute honesty in your response made me... well... I was just very struck by it.
    Thank you so much for being around and for reading.

    Gail - Thanks. Yes. It does speak volumes about my desires.
    I know it may sound pretty unbelievable, given the crap I write here, but I don't choose to struggle with this stuff. I hate the depression. I hat ehte anxiety and I hate the limitations that both those things put on my life.
    Am I prepared to have them if I can find a way of learning to get rid of them? No way!
    If meds help even a little, I'm willing to try.
    Hope you are well.

    Robert - Thank you so much for stopping by and for leaving such a kind and honest comment.
    I hope that you can find somewhere you can write as candidly as you need to.
    It really does help.
    Thank you so much for your encouragement.

    Paula - I'm so glad that you are finding Venlafaxine helpful. I was going to go on that too butthey decided it wouldn't be good for me with the amount of exercise I do.
    Thank you for much for understanding.
    Yes - they do take a while to get used to and they really do affect the chemicals quite drastically.
    It's not that amazing that I managed to seek help! I was utterly desperate... But... as I replied to Gail, I really have no intentionof living with this degree of depression for the rest of my life.
    Thank you for your kindness Paula. x