Monday, 26 April 2010

Fattening Up Under The Cloak

If I think of the chocolate and the jellybeans and the more chocolate and the more jelly beans and the rice crackers and the mini eggs that I have stuffed down me...
An endless onslaught of sugar coated dollops of fat.
My head is spinning in a panic of sugar and heart pounding horror at what I’ve done.

What have I done?

I’ve worked so hard to burn it all off and now, in one evening, I’ve thrown my body into chaos with a purge-less binge.

I want to run and not stop until my bones tear through my skin.

My mouth hasn’t been empty for more than 5 minutes since I left therapy.
Which implies that it was difficult right? But it wasn’t. Not really.

We spoke about a dream.
The bookshelf was a flimsy, wooden frame covering an entire wall. Like some sort of Ikea job, the frame had compartments, filled with rows of books.
They wanted to move the whole unit.
I stood and watched in silent desperation as the thin frame twisted and most of the compartments on the left side emptied crashingly.
I’d warned them it would happen and they wouldn’t listen.
We talked about how it was about therapy. Somehow. I think Friday’s session had some bits in it that felt very much like the shelf would twist and things would fall out.

I can’t remember what she said. Surprise. Surprise.

My heart is cloaked with sadness.
It has been since Saturday evening when my dad recounted his visit to the hospital where my sister is currently sectioned, caged like the animal her illness seems to make her.
He described how, as he sat next to her watching something on her laptop, her head suddenly dropped and lolled.
He'd asked if she was falling asleep and listened to her half breathed response. He helped her climb up on the bed and watched as she immediately slept.

A nurse popped her head round the door, apologetically, not realising dad was there, she called to my sister to say it was lunch. Feeding time. Force feeding.

“They’ve turned her into a zombie”.
Dad does an impression of her that all at once makes my eyes prick with unusual tears.

I don’t cry for her anymore. Not usually.
And I didn’t. But my throat ached and I had to look hard into the bottom of my glass to see the grains of the table.

My sister restrained, and injected with anti psychotics.
Sedated. Unable to run. Unable to rebel against the controlling regime they force upon her.

It’s her fault.
I comfort myself.
It’s her fault.
She’s the one who tries to starve to death.
Again, I am cloaked by a choking sadness.

And I am a desperate teenager again, wanting to scream,

Lethergogetyourhandsoffmysisterleaveheraloneleaveherthefuckalone, tearing at their strong arms as they manhandle my beautiful, frantic, sobbing sister.

In real life, all the books fall out at once.


  1. HI WS

    Oh my - this is all so tragic - and yet here you are, miraculously writing and sharing from the depths of your soul - keeping "it" in the light and I hold on with you - feel you - believe in you and in me and even her - your sister that is - she is worthy of healing and as horrid as the treatment is so she can live to reach the point of knowing she is worthy of healing I say lets hold on tighter - DON'T LET GO!!

    Love Gail
    peace hold

  2. In real life?
    In real life people think they know what's right.
    And don't listen.

  3. "all the books fall off at once"...yes, sometimes they do.
    Blessings and prayers,

  4. You are such a brave person. Hang on my friend.

  5. Hey Wonderingsoul, this hurts me so much...your sister needs to be empowered...not disempowered. My heart goes out to you..and to her.

  6. WS, this sounds very difficult. I hear your insides crying...hang in there. Thinking of you.

  7. Dear One, thanks for stopping by and supporting me. Even more appreciated as oyu are having such a hard time yet you cared to come over. THANKS!
    I can not even imagine what it means seing s sister in such a dreadful stage. Like Sarah said: disempowered!
    Sweets and chocolate are somewhat calming yet all this sugar give me the restlessness of high energy! Yepp, you had a drawback and ate all that stuff. Yet you are in a very harsh situation. Maybe you needed all this additional energy. During my Trauma Therapy I got all upset as I started to eat everything I could lay my hands on and obviously put weight on! The entire team told me during such hard times, when the emotional strain is particularly high, this comfort is needed. In due time I would stop it and so it happens. My desire for food slowly decreases. Slowly ;-) yet I fit in my trousers again. Love from my heart to yours.