Tuesday, 6 April 2010

Words Don't Come Easily

Somewhere in me there is a very very deep, dark space where my voice can't reach.
Pressed against the walls of that space are fragments of words, feathered, dried and bound like wheat sheaves.

For days, I've been sitting with these bundles pulsing painfully, making my chest hurt if I so much as dare to throw a glance inside... Causing a dry ache in my gut if, even for a second, I allow myself to try and pick through the rubble of broken sentences and separated syllables.

The number of times I have sat down to try to write something out of me... only to find that my brain slides, unable to even begin sorting through the pile of death that leaves me feeling so full and yet, so achingly empty.

I've wanted to come here and scream onto the screen. I've wanted to let words fall out on the virtual page with virtual thudding and crashing noise.

If only type could howl.

It all sounds a bit much, I daresay, and yet, melodrama makes me nauseous.

I think it is probably fairly bad depression.
That and the eating problem, disorder even. (Chaos, more like).


A list seems a good approach.

(Can I just say, I never wanted this blog to be like this.
I wanted it to be dispassionate, cynical even.
I wanted it to have the gall to be a little wise sometimes.
I wanted to offer insight into mental health problems, without actually sounding like I really had any...)

On with the list...
  • I realised something about my emetophobia that I'm not read to write about. And it may be nothing anyway, but it's been on my mind so it's going on the list.

  • I'm most of the way through a two week therapy break, which I thought I really didn't care about.

  • My eating 'problem' has been like an instrument of torture. It feels relentless and desperate.

  • I am genuinely questioning how long my heart will tolerate the hammering from hours of intense cardio exercise with no food in me.

  • I am just no sure how to make all this end

There's a lot more but it is pressed flat against walls and squeezed tight into corners that I can't reach.


  1. Continuing to lift you up in prayer,

  2. Hi love-

    Oh my, my, my.............I feel how hard you are workingm, trying, searching to understand your journey - I sense you are at a turn a break through , so hold on and believe in yourself and all the work you are doing to be whole.

    Love to you

  3. People with no mental health problems don't have any insight into them. It's the only way empathy can exist... through personal experience. Without what you term your 'mental health problems' you would not possess the tremendous capacity for empathy you clearly possess. It is was enables you to want to help others through your blog and your daily work and its what enables you to write those lovely and poignant essays such as that which you wrote this past Christmas.

    It sucks and it's painful and it's the way life is built.

  4. I only just read your comment on my blog Cardboard: A woman left for dead and wanted to reach out to you and let you know my thoughts are with you.

  5. A blog about mental insights form someone who hsnt a mental illness? Not possible. I prefer you authentic, genuine and REAL. I can relate. There were time where I thought I never reach this space inside me, didnt even believe it is there - I went through in numbness still full of pain. Today I am so happy that I reached thsi palce deep inside me. A place which I thought doesnt even exists! I keep you in my thoughts, send you good vibes. Love to you. Paula

  6. I understand those deep places in our being that we cannot even utter words.....

  7. Passing by to show some lvoe. Thinking of you. Paula

  8. Andrea - Thank you.
    It's appreciated.

    Gail / Annie - I'm holding on, tight as I can.
    Thank you for being here.
    I wrote on yours today. Hope you got it.

    jss - I'm so glad to see you. I have been wondering how you are / noticing your own silence and have wanted to say smething but have just been all out of words lately.
    Sometimes it is almost too much to be here. Hope that makes some sense.
    Anytime you want to let me know how things are for you... feel free... (No pressure obviously... but it's funny how you get used to hearing certain voices in this bizarre wold of blogging).
    Yes it sucks. Yes it's painful. Yes it probably is just the way life is.
    I'm finding it very hrd to accep a life that feels this painful right now though.
    Thank you for your words.
    So good to hear from you.

    Fiona - Thank you. You are very kind.
    I read the review... Sounds very good.
    Thanks for reading.

    Paula - rreading about that place you found inside you... well.. It sounds good. I'm so glad you found it.
    Thankyou for saying you prefer what is real. Thank you for encouraging me... and thank you for the love that you pass by with.
    I am touched.

    JBR - Yes. Those places are very painfilled and wordless.
    Thank you for understanding.