Monday, 13 September 2010

This Little Piggy Went To Therapy.

It's been a pretty bad few days.

I paused as I wondered how I could possibly put this across to The Woman who sat, eyes cast down quietly, waiting for me to be ready.

I started with the weekend, which, FYI, I drank my way through.

I lost time on both evenings. I explained that on Saturday it was as though someone pressed the 'pause' button at around eleven thirty in the evening and neglected to press it again until around four in the morning.
What happened in those four and a half hours is anyone's guess. My guess is that I fell through a portal of the whisky kind.

My memory is bad enough, but add alcohol and I no longer exist at all.

The Woman listens to the story far too kindly.
My"pre emptive strike," she reflects.
"No. It's all my own stupid fault," I kick at a wall in my mind.
"Interesting word, 'fault'" she returns, and I break my toe against the wall.

Doesn't she want me to take responsibility for my actions? Hate me. Go on. Be disgusted. Tell me I'm pathetic.

(I'm suddenly very tired as I try to recall something from the session today. Another blank. Swiss cheese has nothing on my memory).

I told her about the dreams I had last night. She interprets them to be sexual. Apparently my unconscious mind is leading us to roads that need to be travelled down; roads which I am frightened of.

I wondered if she is actually a direct descendant of Freud.

Ok. So I'm part jesting, but twenty six cuts later, I can afford a little humour.

The desperation and despair that I have felt over the past three days have, at times, blown through me with a strength that has left me bent double.

i didn't make the gym once and as a consequence, combined with the calories I have consumed in alcohol, I managed to put on two pounds. Today I have barely lived a minute without sucking a piece of chocolate. It's compulsive.
Tonight I stood on the scales, hands over my face, registering the higher numbers through the gaps between my fingers.
I wanted to take a wood plane to my thighs.
A double edged blade had to suffice.

Normally a safe haven for my mind, even my workspace was invaded by the swooshing compulsion to lock myself in the second floor toilet and shred my skin with the scissors.
And all of this because of the desperation at not being able to stay in control of my body.
I need to be small enough to feel all my bones and yet, pathetically, I am sabotaging my own attempts to get thinner. More than that, I am actually putting ON weight again.

In a fit of frustration at this absurd part of myself, i declared that I could just 'give it all up'. I could eat normally again. i could just stop all this nonsense and eat.
The words even sounded hollow to me, but I carried on asserting it because a part of me wants to feel that it really could be that simple.

The Woman explains so gently, "it's a manifestation of your distress... BLANK BLANK BLANK... the extreme self loathing... BLANK BLANK...."

She goes on but I've shut my eyes and I'm holding my insides so tight against her words because her kindness is making my breath ache and my eyes sting and I can't let go, i just can't.

"Shutting me out?".

I don't know and I can't answer because loosening one part of me is all it will take for everything to split and fall apart.

I can't remember what she said then, but the pressure of her kindness leaves bruises around my eyes.

Today as I left the little house in the woods, I carried the heavy sense that I had spoken too much.
I have that same feeling about this post.


  1. Hi,
    10 things that make life more okay?

    1 understanding

    2 acceptance

    3 non-judging

    4 wine

    5 loving relationship(s)

    6 trust

    7 courage

    8 imagination

    0 music

    10 lots of laughter

    love to you
    peace, hope and healing

  2. Hi, I don't think you wrote too much. I think you wrote just what needed to be released from your thoughts. To me writing is cathartic. It is purging myself of the "poison" that has built up inside. I do understand how you feel when you say that though. I sometimes read what I have written and think maybe I should not have said that, someone might see that...... you know, the second guessing of ourselves, but then I remember that something I write, might be something another person is going through also and in that way, we don't feel so alone.


  3. Wrote too much? Nah. Maybe not enough, but definitely not too much.

    So what would happen if everything split and fell apart?

    As always, you're in my thoughts and prayers.


  4. I know how afraid you are. I understand how terrifying it is to face the past, to open your eyes and your heart and take a good look... and then to allow another to look with you. There's the fear of judgment, the fear that it will all be too much...

    The thing is, it's already too much. Right now it is living inside you. Right now you spend almost every waking moment - and likely many sleeping ones - reacting to the past. It is ruling your life. It is the focus of your life, in one of those reverse logic scenarios where the less you look the bigger it gets until you finally see it.

    and as far as judgment... it seems you have found at least one person who will accept you unconditionally.

    In an email last night, I told my "one person" something disgusting, something obscene and ugly that seemed to be the proof that I am worth less than an outhouse toilet...

    Part of her reply was,
    "I accept you unconditionally. What happened to you is not not your doing. I will not turn from you."

    It was what I needed to hear... and I believe you need to hear it too.

    If you looked at yourself as you would a truly loved child, if you pictured yourself as this helpless, crying little girl - like the one in the image you posted - and if you saw that little girl was in as much pain as you are right now, what would you be willing to do for her?

  5. Wonderer,

    There's probably nothing anyone can say to help right now. Thank you for sharing. Somehow it helps me, maybe because it makes me feel for you, which takes me out of my own cave a little bit. I'm inspired by your ability to write this, evening though I couldn't continue my own blog. 26 cuts - oh, oh, oh. I wish I could make this better for you. Not so you will stop cutting; maybe that's just to keep things in balance? I'm not a person who thinks the body is more important than the mind. Are you like me in thinking the body should bear some of the burden of the torment also? To me it seems so misleading that the body, the visible part of me, seems so normal. Incongruous. Still, 26 cuts makes it easier for me to feel how internally distressed you are. It's weird, I'm sure, that I admire you for doing it (and not in an intellectual way; I know self-harm isn't good, blah, blah, blah). But I'm weak, hypocritical. I try to make my body more honest, but the physical pain limits me. You seem strong, in making these cuts. Is that how it is for you, or something completely different? If it is ok with you, I will hold you tight. Now I am the one to say too much. But you have allowed yourself to be so close to me/us through this post, and I appreciate it so much, and am staying with it and with you. It's cool about this forum that you can experience that however you need to.

  6. Said or wrote too much? No, you said what needed to be said and maybe what had to be said. As hard as it is. The picture of the little girl, well that speaks a thousand words. I am thinking of you...

  7. Hi. Just stopping by after you stopped by my place: thank you. Not sure I can add much to what's already been said. Sending *gentle hugs* your way, if you can accept them from a stranger. Strength, courage, love, peace and whatever else you need right now.

  8. I'm just staying a little bit still right now folks so please don't think I haven't read your thoughtful words... I will respond just as soon as I can without getting too tangled.
    There is a lot to think about in some of your responses...


  9. I very much agree with Shen. I needed to hear that I am ok as I am. That maybe I could learn not to turn away from me as no one else this! Our body reactiosn telling us so much! Yet that are RE-actions not actions. When I strated to ACT and not RE-act anymore, I got better. Slowly, with plenty of drawbacks, but he, I got better, I improved. My body, mind and soul now communicating on a much healthier way. Love to you.

  10. Hey first to reach out to let you know..I hear you...I understand. My next...that war with your body...your body being the battleground...too familiar....I had to body was did nothing was so much easier for me to hurt my body and feel the physical pain than to own what I was feeling. Be strong. Be in control. don't show fear. Those were my mottos. Mottos that almost killed me. I'm trying to say what I feel instead of punishing my body. It's tough. Really tough b/c it feels like my body is just not cooperating....the phrase you wrote...hit me the most...but the pressure of her kindness leaves bruises around my eyes.
    WS....stay safe ok. And know...I'm in your corner....

  11. Wanted you to know I wrote a long comment to you last night. But didn't publish it. I thought that it was probably too harsh for you to listen to right now. I'm a therapist who doesn't do soft and fluffy, and endless kindness that you can't hear.
    If you can't hear your therapist maybe you need to change to one you can hear, otherwise what's the point of going?

  12. Hey Fire Byrd,

    Please don't hold back on your comment. You don't need to edit or modify anything you want to say. I think I can MORE than handle it so, please, feel free. Perhaps you will dare to say the words that others haven't ever dared to. I predict that I could possibly say the exact words that you want to...
    Hoe your well.


  13. You need to write all you can to get out these feeling. I do understand the blanking out and not remembering. I understand wanting to drown it all in alcohol. That obsession with the scale and the sure panic that comes when the numbers go up. The feeling of failure. The need to cut yourself. I've done it all. Just know that I care about you. I want you to feel better and be able to release some of the pain. I don't have the answers because I am so messed up myself, but I do know that I care about you. Please try to have a safe weekend.

  14. Ok... So. Some responses.

    Gail - Thanks. Wine and music are two things that really appeal to me on your list!

    Perfect Mind Storm - Thank you for your words about writing. It is intesting to hear that you toofind it cathartic. Ii really understand the 'second guessing' scenario, but you are right about there always being someone who it speaks to inone way or another.
    Thanks for stopping by.

    ABM - If everything split and fell apart? I wouldn't be able to do my job; people would KNOW that there was someting wrong; I'm not sure I'd ever get up from the place where I fell; I would be faced with absolute hell and feel convinced that I wouldn't survive.
    Appreciate your thoughts and prayers (you prob don't know just how much) x

  15. Shen - the fear that it will all be too much...
    Your comment made me think a lot and I had to step right away from it for a little while...
    Yes - I am very afraid but for what reason, i have no idea. I don't have any justifiable reason for the level of fear I feel. Hence, I feel disgusted with myself much of the time.
    I'm glad you managed to tell your "one person" something, and that that 'something' was met with such amazing acceptance.
    Do I need that? You think I do... I'm not sure. I honestly don't know what I 'need' at this point. I'd like it to be nothing... the word 'need' disgusts me.
    I don't need my 'one person' to tell me anything I don't think.
    Your crying child question initially terrified me. What would I be willing to do for her?
    Well. What that child most needs is to be held and soothed by another.
    Would I get that? No.
    Certainly not whereI need it from the most.
    What can I do?
    If that child was me, I thinkit would be crying bcause she knows that she will be empty forever.
    Make sense?
    Thank you for making me think. x

  16. Faith - No. It's not strong to's completely pathetic in some ways. I shuddered at the word 'admire'. Please, please don't try to make your body more 'honest'. In many, many ways, it is the ultimate in deceit because nobody will ever know/see.
    I do understand that you feel limited... and that it feels horrible that thngs can appear so 'fine' and actually be a million miles from that.
    I hope so much that you're doing ok.

    Lostinamaze - i don't know who wrote on whos blog first... I want to thank you though, for thinking of me even in the midst of your own pain.

    Philgroom - Thank you. Thank you for being so lovely. Hope you are ok.

  17. Paula - Hi. You are so right about acting v reacting... I'm so glad that you have got better with that stuff. Also very pleased to hear that you feel less seperate than you did...
    I have to say that I am more assertive these days (so so so much more than i used to be) but still find myself in a variety of situatons I have no desire to be in.

  18. Ok here goes nothing..... I wonder if you'll guess right?
    What I said was... that you are using addictive behaviours to keep yourself safe. All the cutting /anorexia/ panic attacks and alcohol are all ways people use to keep safe.
    Usually they don't have quite such a big collection as you! What happens to us as people is we get pain, we have no choice about it in life. What we have a choice about though is how we deal with that pain.if you deal with it in a healthy way you learn to scream shout cry swear to let go of the pain. And when you don't you reach for a sticking plaster to keep the pain safe. The only things missing off your list are depression and OCD!!
    In therapy your therapist should be helping you to look at the stuff you don't want to face, not the stuff you do.
    Rage sadness fear and love are the four feeling we are born with all of them are normal. Everyone feels them. How about buying a punch bag and beating shit out of it instead of lacerating your thighs. And whilst your thumping use your voice to tell who it is your angry with. They mustn't be there obviously.
    The cutting and the anorexia are about you wanting to have control in your life. The panic and the booze are about you feeling out of control. So you are in an endless juxtaposition of feelings and experiences none of them making you feel any better.
    In the short term CBT would work in finding healthier ways to deal wityh the stuff inside. But in the long term you need to trust someone enough to hear what they say as they confront your inner demons that you are trying so hard to ignore.
    Ok that's what I think.

  19. Quick responses...

    Sarah. Sometimes what you write here leaves me reeling a little bit because you so obviously totally understand.
    The body as a battleground? Yes. Very, very much so. And yet, I don't understand what the war is about or why its being fought.
    Thank you for understanding so much.

    Wanda - Thank you for caring. I know that you too have been through all this stuff.. Got the tshirt etc...
    And yes, you re right about using the alcohol to drown it all out.
    Thanks Wanda. x

    Firebyrd - You make some good points.
    I take it that you must have reworded some of what you wanted to write because absolutely none of that struck me as harsh...
    In fact, I was bracing myself for the 'just f*cking get over it you sad little whinging ingrate'. Was that something along the lines of what you were trying to say?
    You right about keeping safe. I am very aware that the eating thing keeps me safe, in one respect... Oh and, depression? I've suffered it for years. On meds for it still, although, notably, it has been less severe since the eating thing started. I guess cos it covers over a whole load of other stuff.
    CBT is pretty rubbish for me. I don't buy it. Tried it, honestly gave it my best shot but I was/am just so cynical that I find it hard to do. I REALLY tried though.
    And the juxtaposition of feelings? Ye. You are right. It's a vicious circle.
    At the end of the day, only I can break it. ME. I have to take control. But I don't know HOW and every time I try, I fall into absolute panic and despair.
    Of course you're also right in saying that rage, hate etc are all part of life. We all have them... I'm just kicking aginst them more than many... which makes me something of a spoiled brat.
    I'm not sure what to say.
    Your comments weren't at all harsh, even if you meant them 'harshly'. I know your words are totally true. I just don't know how to fix things.
    Thanks for responding with honesty.

  20. Listening to all your fears and explanations, and understanding much of what you say . . . .

    Just wanted to make a quick point about CBT ( from my own experience) . . . . I think CBT focuses on identifying and changing negative thoughts and beliefs, and I do believe that for some, it is beneficial . . . .but for some, changing negative beliefs does NOT make the feelings you have change, and to me, THAT is evidence that deeper exploration is needed . . . . . and of course, I am aware that you already know this . . . . .

    Thinking of you always my friend . . . .

    love to (((((( you )))))))