I have to admit that my blood ran a little colder as I drove back to the gym and heard this report on the radio...
http://uk.news.yahoo.com/5/20100928/tuk-eating-disorder-victims-are-remember-45dbed5.html
I guess it is silly to get worried. After all, my choice right?
But the girl who died was six and a half stone.
I have fallen below six that there's nobody to scrutinise me.
My fear of a heart attack doesn't seem quite as strong as my horrible determination to lose weight.
Until I'm alone in the dead of the night, that is.
Then the fear of death at least matches the will to risk it.
Wednesday, 29 September 2010
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Dear Wondering Soul,
ReplyDeleteI read the entirety of your blog one day, a few weeks ago. I was so immersed, so in awe of both your expressive writing and your action of expressing yourself through writing. You have been remarkably consistent over the last year. The main themes have stayed the same, although the ones on which you focus and your manner of expression vary from time to time, within a relatively consistent range.
And I felt so strongly that this eating thing, for you, is about your sister. You have written about perceiving and dreaming about a wall that prevented you from saving her when she first became sick, how you would do anything to be able to take this illness from her, give anything to help her. I thought, of course. This is why you have this problem now. You want to get beyond that wall somehow, to be with her, to show solidarity, take on her illness so she can recover. Maybe you punish yourself for not having been the one to be sick in the first place. To normalize how she is. I’m not sure, but something like that. Maybe you even want to die in her place.
And now you work with teenagers who have difficulties in life. Is it too cliché to think you do what you do because you want to be back, helping your sister at that age? Now you have been affirmed in your work (and congratulations! Positive comments aren’t given gratuitously in these settings), but your sister is sick, and now you are too. Confusing? I can’t be the first person to have suggested this connection, but I had to say it anyway, because reading everything all at once (I almost said “digesting” instead of reading, stopped myself for both our sakes, but, I already thought it, so there it is…), it seemed so obvious and powerful.
You can’t make her better, but you can love her no matter what, and in her own way, however limited it might be, she will appreciate it. You can’t make you better either, but you can take care of yourself, and let yourself recover at a pace that works for you, if that is in the cards for you. And if a few people want to help take care of you too (your dad, for instance, who is obviously worried about you), that might be ok too.
Love,
Faith
HI LOVE-
ReplyDeleteI cannot add to what Faith wrote - she speaks a true heart - so close to my own.
Loving you
Gail
Pece an dhope
p.s. HI FAITH :-)
Dear Faith,
ReplyDeleteIt's taken a little while for me to get my head round some of the things that your wrote... I guess that even now, I am unsure of some of the things I feel... It hasn't been a great evening because I have binged like crazy and now feel desperation... Bear with me... I don't know how muh sense I'm gonna make.
I was struck by the fact that you have read my whole blog.
Struck by the thought that someone out there has bothered to read all this... It' strange feeling, given that a lot of the time, I am trying to stay somewhat, 'unknown'... Strange to be known here... and almost frightening that you have bothered.
What worries me is that you credit me with far more kindness and 'feeling' than I actually have when it comes to my sister.
You are right to say that I had those dreams, recurring nightmares where I watched my sister helplessly as she drowned / died / was attacked etc etc.
You are also right to say that I wished I could have stopped it. There was a time I would have sacrificed my entire life (and in a metaphorical way, perhaps I did for a while).
But Faith, now..? Now I feel very little.
I don't want to rescue her. Maybe I'm even angry. Im not sure.
What I do know is that I no longer have the same agony over her; or if I do, it's well hidden.
In some ways I resent her for ruining so much of my life. In others I alternate between pity, sadness and anger.
She treats me badly, makes me think that I sould be punished for being me.
So. I dn't think my own BIZARRE ED has anything to do with her. And yet, as you point out, the 2 do seem to be linked somehow. It's a bit too coincidental...
Am I working with young people cos of her? No. Selfishly, it's more because of me.
It's not an attempt to go back and help her by heling someone else... (i don't think).
To be honest, I recall the agony of being at school with nobody to talk to about my sis ad the agony we were experiencing.
If anything, it's that desperation to be heard and held when I was in so much pain that makes me want to work with young people in the way that I do.
This is enough of a response for now cos I feel a bit overwhelmed...
I'll try to finish this tomorrow.
Thank you for your thoughts.
You really do speak from a true heart. Gailis right. (She's always right!).
Gail - Thank you for being here. x
Hi WS.....I think Faith might be onto so something....I read your post, the repsonses including yours...and I just want you to know...for what it's worth...I'm here too..listening...in your corner...and praying for you to be free. Stay safe ok. And keep fighting.
ReplyDeleteWS - I'm here, so here. Just tired and not much energy to communicate. Thank you for accepting me, thinking about what I said, and responding to me. And for connecting me with Gail. Gail, thank you for saying hi to me. I don't want to intrude on WS's space, but am too tentative to have my own blog, where people could talk to me directly, although that part would be ok. Hi to you too :) I agree with WS, you are very wise, I guess in touch with yourself and as a consequence, the rest of us. Thanks for being here, WS, Gail, and all of you.
ReplyDeleteWS - this is off topic, but from the depths of drunken, late-night insight and inquiry :) I wonder where you get your website's various pictoral illustrations (for the main site, although I love the others also). Or, what prompted your selected of them--the intro photo/drawing, the sidebars?
ReplyDeleteWS, I have been to the hospital and wasnt around lately. I do agree with Faith. Resonates very much with me. I am glad to give yourself time to ponder and reflect. Not everything might fit your situation, not everything might become clear straight away. Love to you
ReplyDeleteI'm so sorry. I can't reply right now but I will try tomorrow. x
ReplyDelete