Tuesday, 7 September 2010

Please Sir... Can I Have Some More (Time)?

Four times a week I put myself through a pretty rigorous workout at the gym. Part of my routine is to run at least two miles (for 'run' read 'sprint') on the treadmill.
Being familiar with this torturous piece of equipment, I understand how it has evolved as a common metaphor to denote the state of travelling on a seemingly relentless path or journey, exerting effort yet not really getting anywhere.

MY reason for thinking about treadmills at this moment in time is not however, to illustrate the tedium of routine (although, when it comes to forcing myself to exercise to the point of near collapse, there IS that) but to reinforce my sense of having literally hit the ground running.

As with most people, returning to work after a long summer holiday is a shock to the system.
I hit the ground running last week, and I haven't stopped to even catch my breath since.
It really has been like landing on a treadmill which is already moving at ten miles per hour... Which is a horribly convoluted way of explaining why I haven't been here or on anyone else's blog.
I have burned the candle at both ends only to find that the candle hasn't been long enough.

Talk about mixing metaphors.

A brief update.

With the return of work comes the return of my routine. It has been something of relief, although to describe it as such seems to infer the presence of a somewhat masochistic streak.

My weight, which (to my distress) had gone up (mainly to please my family) has now gone down again. This is largely due to the fact that my folks have been away on a holiday.
They return tomorrow and so, I write with a certain amount of dread at the return of 'the watchers'.

Following a two week break, I had my first therapy session on Monday.
I had no feeling about it as I drove to the little house in the woods. I have barely missed her. Perhaps because I couldn't afford to.

The session seemed to last for at least forever and at one point, I wondered if she had forgotten the time and gone into another session.
Apparently not.
Whilst she has been on holiday I have been utterly self contained and yet, whilst detailing my weekend (part of which was spent being a carer to my - very heavily medicated - sister) I had to stop talking as I was unexpectedly overwhelmed by horrible, strangled tears caught in my throat.
Embarrassed I assured her I was fine and that I hadn't been at all upset about it.
She wondered whether I had been ok because I hadn't allowed myself to experience it until I was back in therapy.
(I wondered whether there was an argument for the fact that I don't feel bad until I have therapy and therefore, the whole thing is actually making me worse).
Something to ponder anyway.

Aside from that, I found myself looking at The Woman's familiar, tan colour shoes (which I'm sure I've never really liked before) and feeling a sudden mixture of relief, familiarity and comfort.
Odd, I know. (I did wonder if I'd gone totally, barking mad)
Guess it shows how much time I must spend looking at her feet! <--- (As I write this observation, I am reminded of a line from one of Byron's poems - possibly 'Childe Harold's Pilgrimage' - which refers to people walking with their eyes cast down, thinking "thoughts which dare not glow".
Another 'hmmm' moment, perhaps.)


  1. HI LOVE

    you are such a wonderful writer. the light ease of this piece was inspiring. I found your approach to everything quite casual without alarm. This is good. yes? Ecept for your caring for your sister and how difficult that must have been. Yes? SO to not "feel" that agony all else is casual. Not so good. Yes?

    I adore you

    Love to you
    peace and hope and healing for us all

  2. It is good to hear from you. I know the feeling that therapy sometimes seems to make things worse. I hope you can find some meaning out of it. Please take care of yourself. Hugs

  3. I just started following your blog. I hope therapy helps the jumble you may be feeling...

    take care

  4. Hi Gail - Good to see you (always)! As for "light ease"? Hmm... I think the light ease may just be the result of a distinct lack of punctuation!
    I was / am a teeny bit confused about what you said but I THINK, you are pointing out that whilst it's good to be casual and calm, it's not good to be numb... And, I suppose that, although in many ways it's better than a bunch of bad feelings, onsome level it's not so healthy.
    Please correct me if I have misinterpreted you! (I may well have done. I'm very tired and Dickens has made my brain hurt this evening!)
    Love to you Gail. x

    Hey Wanda,
    Great to hear from you too. Thank you for beig here.
    Yes. There really is that uneasy feeling / suspicion that perhaps therapy might make things worse.That old sense of, "if you don't think about it, it won't hurt" kicks in and I wonder if it's true.
    Sometimes it IS meaningful, that's the thing. Weighing it up... pain versus gain... Although, having typed that, I realise that I have made a very fundamental error.
    Hope you are ok. x

    Hi Lisa,
    Welcome and er... hmmm.. If this rambley blog spot is of interest then by all means feel free to follow! Just don't expect anything particularly positive. I'm not big on that much of the time... and I do moan a lot here... (Don't say you weren't warned!)
    It does help the jumble on some occasions... but on many others, it seems to turn the smooth scribbled edges of the jumble into something a bit sharp and spikey...
    Please don't feel you ever have to reply / respond here. Sometimes I think blogs can become a bit of a pressure...

  5. It's amazing, I have been thinking these sorts of thoughts myself lately. Going non stop, self containment, therapy.

    Sometimes I think therapy makes me worse but I wonder if somehow I've come to a place where it has become safe there to let go just a bit. Which in turn makes me feel worse because, well, I just don't do that. But just maybe that is actually a good thing...

    Odd, not at all.

  6. HI LOVE
    your interpretation is completely accurate. :-) Nothing gets by you, !!! :-)

    love Gail

  7. Hey WS...you words always hit me...they're so famliliar to me...Want you to know...I'm here...listening and in your corner...Stay strong ok. And safe.

  8. So good to hear from you and even more so that you took time to give an update. Myself approaching the end of trauma therapy this week I was so busy and couldnt stop by earlier. By now I love feeling and feelings. They turned from a crutch into a resource! Last think I thought possible! It is possible to love feelings. Hardly anyone could be more surprised about this but myself.
    You are strong and incredibly resourceful. Love from my heart to yours

  9. Just dropped by to let you know I was thinking about you!

  10. Just wanted you to know that I come by often to see how you are doing. I can relate to so much of what you are going through. I just went back to work after a summer break, and the routine is good for me also. I know what you mean about therapy. I think it is good to get those feelings out though, and not try to strangle them. Sending much love and {{{HUGS}}}