Monday, 4 October 2010


I can only feel the cold wind of despair as it howls through me. I am left gasping, winded by the force of the blasts.
It's not depression. It's despair.
It's the claws of hopelessness tearing at hidden flesh.
It's the mouth of disgust sucking marrow from my bones.
And I am left with nothing.
Nothing then
nothing now
nothing in the when.

Ahead, a black hole
Behind, a sheer drop.

Despair affords me no rope
with which to hang
on to hope, or choke
this demon.

It's been a steep weekend and I haven't got it in me to explain why.

I've eaten badly, drunk hungrily and driven frantically.

If you feel disgusted by my negativity, I can bet you a thousand wishes that you can't even begin to reach the levels that I have.
I have tried positive self talk, prayer, gratitude, acceptance, reprimand, reframing, reinterpretation, re everything.
I've counted my blessings, immersed myself in thoughts of those less fortunate.
I know I don't count on the scale.

I hate myself all the more for that fact that I have no excuse for my despair.

And can I tell the woman?
I don't want to see her tomorrow.
She expects me to have had a good weekend (as did I). The fact that I feel this hollow is shameful. I feel like a disobedient child.
I have let her down.
Somehow I must be choosing misery.
I am a disgrace.


  1. Hello love-

    I am so sorry you are in despair. I know this place. I know too I went against everything I was at the time when I decided to move from the despair. The idea of freedom was worse than the despair. Way better to die I thought. I remember vividly the pain and struggle to leve my darkness and cave of despair - I was safe in my ugliness and self loathing. I went against my own self built haven of proof and stepped up..............that was 20 years ago!!! Step up!

    Love you
    peace and hope....

  2. Right now I'm not in a good place to have answers for you. I do know the feeling of despair can be overwhelming. I care for you. Please be safe. Try to ride it out. I know hard that can be.

  3. Do we need an excuse for our despair? It just is. I also know the feeling of despair that nothing seems to pull you out of. It is a hard place to be. When I am in that place I've learned to let others (my T) hope for me. Thinking of you.