Tuesday, 5 October 2010


Every part of me is screaming to be thinner.
I don't understand what has happened to me.
This can't be me. I'm not like this.
I'm the together one. I'm the sound one. I'm the refuge where others take shelter during the storms.

Physician heal thyself

said a colleague who was expressing concern at my weight loss.

How? I wanted to ask.

Sometimes I don't even believe that I have an eating problem. That's probably another post though.


  1. It seems to me that when we are the "one" others come to for help, sometimes we just can't see ourselves as we really are. Please take care of yourself.

  2. HI WS

    You are on the edge of something. Pay attention. k?

    Love you
    peace and hope.....

  3. I wonder when being the 'together one' becomes too much of a burden? Because in my experience they are not heard. I believe that my mind will express the desire to be heard through whatever path (the body) it can. I could be all wrong though. Here listening.

  4. here...in your corner...listening....hoping...believing for your freedom. Nothing is impossible WS. I shot up 3 and 4 times a day, threw up just as often, cut my arms and my body leaving scars....I felt nothing..I was so numb and yet...I helped others...but I couldn't help myself. Hold on okay...never let go. I believe with all my heart...nothing is impossible to break free from...

  5. WS - maybe you're having an issue with definitions, terms, or labels. Obviously you meet the clinical definitions for anorexia. You know what they are, better than the rest of us no doubt. So you have anorexia. An eating disorder. Whatever.

    Who cares what you call it? You have a problem - you're miserable, you feel despair, and it's not letting up. Does it feel more helpful to put a label on it? Worse?

    I lost the use of my hands for a while as a teen, had to give up classical piano. No diagnosis, no diagnosis, and I so wanted a doctor to say it was carpal tunnel, because that was fixable, right? So a doctor said carpal tunnel. But surgery was never right for me. In my case, the diagnosis/label did nothing for me.

    I wish I could adopt you as my little sister. My own little sister is your age, just two years younger than me. But she, and my older sisters, are so different from me. At least I hope so...even as I wish they could be better companions. I'm the only one to attend even college; now that I'm to the end-stages (one way or another) of my dissertation the gap is that much broader. You, on the other hand, are highly educated, and talk about life in ways my sisters aren't equipped to think.

    So I like hanging out with you here on your blog. You draw my attention to myself as a young woman, outside of the context of my usual human interactions--flirtations and worse with (older) men. And you draw my attention to, of course, you, as well as Gail and other women. I know there are men here also, and everyone seems quite nice, but the female empathies I find here are new and interesting to me. And of course you draw my attention to sisters. I think of them more these days, regretfully, but also sometimes of how I might better connect with them, as I reflect on me and my sisters, and you and your sisters.

    In a way that comes back to the label - does it matter that the label that's been applied to your sister can now be applied to you? Maybe it really doesn't. What if you weren't dangerously thin and still felt the way you do? Would that really be better? If, after reconsideration, you think the label really does matter, than why??

    Thinking of you,


  6. Dear all,
    I can't reply really. It feels too hard. {FAITH - Your post has me thinking but I cant speak. Not until I've posted today's session.

    The fact I make you think about your sisters... Ouch. I feel some of the pain in doing that. I worry that reaing here may be exacerbate thee agony I suspect you are in...
    I hatte to think that I might trigger those agonies in you...

    I'm so with you in spirit.
    I wish I could be your little sister. I'll bet you'd do an amazing job.
    I do think though, that perhaps we older ones lost out in that respect?


  7. I'm so sorry folks,
    I tried to reply but I was too drunk.
    I guess The Woman's wise words about not numbing things with alcohol went unheeded.

    I have not been able to write anything and I want to.
    It's all been so desperate.

    I want to thank you all for the hope you have tried to offer; for your listening and for your lack of disgust.
    I'm so sorry that I can't face doing individual replies. Everything feels a little bit too much and even this virtual world feels like a hard place to be.

  8. Hang in there! ((((Hugs)))))