Sunday, 24 October 2010

Things I Haven't Said

  • I'm on half term, which I have been dreading because I don't operate well outside of my routine, particularly at the moment.
  • In desperation, I recently phoned the local eating disorders consultant (who has had dealings with my sister for years). I have an appointment on Wednesday.
  • I'm petrified that I won't be taken seriously if I attend on Wednesday, and I'm petrified that I will.
  • I ended up in hospital on Thursday after a complete physical and mental meltdown. I'm ok but still very frightnened. 'Anxiety' isn't a satisfactory explanation for the crazy heart stuff I've had going on.
  • Old friends I am staying with say I look very ill. I am perplexed by this as I have put on a couple of pounds over the last few days. I feel ridiculously big.
  • I want to get better but I am desperate to lose weight. The two things are directly contrary to each other.
  • I'm tired and feel a bit hopeless, despite looking forward to tomorrow's lone sojourn to St Ives.


  1. Oh, oh, oh. WS, I'm scared for you. I'm sure you look very ill; a couple of pounds can't fix the problems that have been accumulating. And I'm glad you called the eating disorders center. It's a really great sign. Yes, you're ambivalent about it; you have completing conflicting needs. That's good. Part of you wants to counter and fix the tormenting and tormented part.

    Sometimes I think the sooner the complete crash comes, the better. Absolutely no denying it anymore, and no way to limp along with stop-gap fixes. I thought that was happening to me Thursday night. I thought I was going to have to call the paramedics, everyone would know, it would become my public identity. It was amazing how I started to readjust – maybe I can call this person or that, when I would never have considered it before. Maybe I can use this as a way to talk to my family about how I am. But now that I’m physically recovered, I’m back to trying to maintain this public identity people have come to expect from me.

    I find your post labels often as informative as the phrases you write. I notice you tagged this post with “God” and “belief,” although you don’t elaborate how they are implicated in the content of your post. You’ve mentioned religious belief before, in general terms, I think. I can imagine the connection in this case, but could be totally wrong. Are you trying to say something without saying something? Is there a subtext that’s informing this post?

    Please, please, go to your appointment Wednesday. And take it easy, ok? Thanks for posting this pretty concrete stuff. Lots of hugs.

  2. HI WS

    Oh my, I am NOT surprised that you look ill to those close to you. The strain on your body has been intense. I am glad you called the eating disorder clinic - I pray you follow through. I am scared for you . There isn't much time to turn this around. What can I do to help you?

    Love Gail
    peace and hope.....

  3. ((((WS)))) You have been struggling for a very long time. I'm sure you are starting to look very ill. You made the right choice calling the eating disorder clinic. You are in trouble and need someone to help you. I standing in there listening and caring. Please keep the appointment!

  4. Thank you for your responses.

    There's nothing that anyone can do Gail. I wish I had something that would make it more ok... that I could suggest in response to your question... but there really isn't.

    I guess that the most my blog pals can do is to resist disgust and understand the absolute terror I feel right now.
    I can't even begin to explain that.

  5. oh, and Faith... I meant to say that subtext is right. I can't believe that anyone would read THAT carefully.

    There is a long story behind it, but it's not the right time to go into it yet.

    I replied to you on the 'freeing up my mind' post.

  6. There is nothing anyone can do, sweet friend, other than listen and still feel love for you. The only things that can help change anything will be things that you will need to find the courage take on . . . and I have faith that you will when the time is right. Honesty with yourself . . . . no more denial . . . . . the truth can cause no more damage than what is already being inflicted by the constant inner battle between that part of you that knows things are not "ok" with something inside of you. And whatever the "something" is, it cannot be horrible enough to erase the wonderful, compassionate, and caring qualities that you carry in your heart . . . . .

    Hope that makes sense and does not cause you more despair . . . a bit in a twisted time myself and I know "truth" can be terrifying, but it can also be healing in ways the,right now, you are unable to see . . . I hope you go Wednesday, and allow these folks to help clear your vision.

    I think of you often, though I don't seem to have many words anymore . . . but you are never out of my heart . . . . .

    love to you,