Monday, 1 November 2010

Eloi... Eloi...

A few years ago, my sister was rushed from the ED clinic to the nearest hospital. Tubed all over, doctors and nurses desperately attempted to find veins that hadn't collapsed in order to save her from the effects of starvation.

Three and a half stone, barely conscious.

My paper souled parents, wrung out from the tortured grief, sat helpless at her bedside.

I don't recall much about that week, but I can't forget Dad's voice down the phone line, a dreadful effort at bravery from a man so broken.
"She's not expected to make it through the night".

Empty, I put the phone down and went to tell my youngest sister.

For that week, for all of us, life just stopped.

Another thing I can't forget, is that for long periods of time, all I could do was to lie, curled up very small, with Bear pressed in tight to my stomach, listening to Bebo Norman's CD, 'Between the Dreaming and the Coming True'.

I literally hung on to the lyrics of the songs on that album; lyrics that, at less hopeless times, I may have branded 'trite'.
Desperation changes the way we hear things. It changes how we hold things, and, which things we hold.

This week these words have echoed repeatedly through the desperate, aching tunnels of my mind.

"God my God
I cry out
your beloved needs you now".


  1. 50lbs? OMG! I can't even imagine what that was like for you. You are so brave! I am in awe of you.

  2. HI LOVE-

    I am deeply saddened - as I feel your desperate cry. Please keep reaching out and remember you are not alone, ever.
    Love Gail
    peace and hope....

  3. How awful for her and how awful for you. I'm sorry that you've had to go through and are going through such pain. I also cry out for you...

  4. Campbell - Hello. Thank you so much for your kind words to me here. However, i did want to say that I'm not brave at all... Watching my sister at 50lbs wasn't brave because it wasn't inany way a choice. It was something that my family and I were forced to watch.
    Please don't be in awe.
    I am pretty terrible all round these days.

    Gail - Yes. Desperate pretty much sums it up.
    Last night I was too desperate for words (after the second part of my assessment at the Eating Disorders place).
    Thank you for reminding me that I'm not alone. I wish there was a way I could make all of this stuff just disappear. Love to you x

    Lostinamaze - I'm so touched by your words,especially as I know how much of your own pain you ahve to deal with right now.
    Thank you x

  5. There is so much in this much pain yet also reaching for hope. The video is amazing...all those butterflies. What makes a butterfly come out of it's cacoon? What makes a someone break free from an addiction? There was a time I had no hope....There was a time I shook my hand at God and dared Him to kill me already. There was a time I just wanted to close my eyes and never open them again...and the insane was while I was telling others to be I was falling apart...killing myself slowly. Hope. Faith. Holding out my hand to you WS....and praying....

  6. I am so sorry you have to relive this, and in so many ways. Are you afraid you will end up like your sister? Have you given up hope for her? How much you, your family, and your sister have all gone through - I can't even imagine. The effects of your sister's long-term, incredibly excruciating illness, and however she, and perhaps you, experienced life before, that could lead to such severe suffering. It seems like far too much for anyone to handle. I think it's very brave of you to even continue to breathe.

  7. Hi WS,

    How are you? However you are, it's ok to say here. I always appreciate your honesty and attempt to sort out and share your feelings. Hugs.

  8. Your story brough tears to my eye. No parent ever wants to hear that their child "might not make it thought the night". I know that pain all too well. I'm so sorry that your sister was hurting so badly. I know for a fact there is such pain frome ED. I have been think about you and believe in your courage and strength.