Monday, 22 November 2010

Just To Say...

Mostly at a loss for words, I haven't been here much lately, and although a part of me has longed to express something, I confess that I have sought the freedom of release in mediums less healthy than language.

However, so as not to completely abandon my blog, I am stopping by to throw a few words at it before I attempt sleep tonight.

What follows is a list of whatever pops into my head in the next few minutes. Bear with me. It's late, I'm tired and my head is a bit all over the place after a very mixed weekend.

  1. I managed to join old housemates for a night on Saturday. We sang, danced on the sofa, took photos, went to a Moroccan, drank Mojitos (and some horrible purple concoction involving Vodka and Curacao), laughed and reminisced. I felt loved, lonely, terrified, happy and accepted.
  2. Therapy has been just as much of a mixed bag. On Friday The Woman asked me if I needed to get to a hospital. She was worried and I knew why. I think i might have been worried too but I don't remember.
  3. My binge and purge sessions have become more frequent and more violent.
  4. Despite my general "avoid-like-the-plague" maxim regarding hospitals, I recently ended up in A&E because my weight got too low and my heart didn't like it. It gave me a fright... I also ended up in A&E with a colleague and her daughter, who had taken an OD. (Did I mention those things here before?
  5. I have been spending a bit of time with a couple who I used to know a lifetime ago. They have been painfully kind to me and I am struggling to accept anything that they offer. I'm very confused and very upset about this but I won't say more than that at the moment.
  6. I have been thinking about God and how I can ever really be a Christian.
  7. I've discovered that Tesco Finest Turkey breast steaks have less calories than a hell of a lot of other foods and because it's 'meat', it looks as though I am eating a little more normally, thus making other people happy.
  8. I will acknowledge here (for the first time) that I do think my drinking is a tiny bit of a problem sometimes.
  9. I have organised a lot of stuff which has gone well at work lately. It's been nothing short of pure joy seeing the kids get a kick out of doing some of the activities and actually feeling a sense of belonging and worth.
  10. I'm tired and tomorrow is another gym day. Sigh.


  1. I'm sorry you are struggling. The turkey will most likely improve your protein intake as well. Think about you. Take care.

  2. I don't know you at all, but your words always leave me in awe. You express yourself so beautifully. I think about you every time I check my blog, which is quite often. I'm sorry you're hurting right now.

  3. HI LOVE

    Still holding you gently in prayer - praying for your freedom to live in peace.
    Love Gail
    peace and hope

  4. Hi WS, I've been wondering where The Woman is in all this; you haven't talked about her much lately, or therapy. Of course the journey through therapy mostly happens outside of it, still, since you mention her now, how's life in the woods these days?

    And congrats on the good work at work :)

  5. I'm glad you stopped by. "I felt loved, lonely, terrified, happy and accepted." says so much to me. #9 made me smile. Holding you in my thoughts.

  6. Hey WS...want you to know....I think you're the best. You're a fighter like me. Never give up okay. And if you're ever interested in reading my book, I'll send you a free copy. Just go to my site....and email me. ☺ In your corner....

  7. Hi WS, just wanted to say hi. I felt maybe I should leave you alone and not bother you while you're in less of a "blog phase," but also thought maybe better to err on the side of saying hi. Just wishing you the best.

  8. WS...Just read your comment on my blog....Please email me your address at so I can send you my gift to you...maybe it could inspire in some way..I hope....☺

  9. Hi. I've been reading here quietly for quite some time. My heart goes out to you. I understand your situation from first hand experience and I just want to tell you that you can recover from anorexia. I did. Please don't lose hope. I know how hard it is. I REALLY know and I'm so sorry. I also want to tell you that recovering does not mean being 'fat'. I am by no means fat. Though still tending toward the light side of normal, I have maintained a medically healthy weight for many, many years. Barring some sort of disease, I see no reason why I cannot continue to stay at this weight. The same could happen for you. For me, the beginning was seeing that I was starving and finding some compassion and concern for myself. I ended up wanting to nourish myself. When someone is sincere about nourishing with food, they will not become fat, they will become healthy from lean protein and fresh produce. Of course, eating was only the beginning. Then comes dealing with the underlying trauma that caused the problem in the first place. This is the part I am still dealing with. Please try to gather allies to do this part. It is hard, but not impossible. I hope I don't sound preachy or like someone who just gets in your face and says, "Goddamn! Just eat already!" I don't want to sound like that because I know how that feels. It feels shitty and like nobody gets it. But I DO get it. I see you where you are and I am so sorry for your pain. So very sorry. I wish I could just come and hug you and offer you some comfort. Please do not lose hope. I am living proof that you can recover. This was me (and maybe you can make captions for your own situation):

  10. You have all been so kind that it's a struggle to find words to reply. I hope you'll forgive me for not being able to write in depth replies to you all. I think that I want to attempt a post but can't until I have replied here and ... it all feels complicated.

    Wanda, Campbell, Gail, Lost, Sarah... Your words to me are so kind. Thank you for continuing to be here despite my silences. It feels so hard to believe that anyone would really be interested in any of my rubbish, and yet, here you are, checking in on me.
    Sarah - I don't think I can have a copy of your book. A very large part of me just doesn't deserve anything for free. I might order a copy from Amazon though. I am certainly interested in your story and very much admire the beauty in your words.

    Faith - Your gentle check in made me resolve to attempt another post about therapy and the woman... But it just didn't materialise as words aren't flowing too freely right now. Hope you are ok x

    Ethereal Highway - Thanks so much for taking the time to write such an encouraging message. I am touched by your thoughts and your understanding.
    I checked out your own amazing blog. You have an incredible talent / gift for writing and imaginiation. Incredible.
    Thank you for the idea of captions.
    I am inspired by your encouragement but also so disturbed by the agony and trauma that lay behind your Anorexia.
    Please know that I do not have any such 'excuse' for all this stuff.
    I'm so sorry for the pain you must go through as you attempt to work through it all.
    Thanks for letting me know your thoughts.

  11. Hi. Me again. I hope I am not bothering you by yammering on, but I just want to say that things that people consider 'trauma' are not the only motivations for anorexia. You don't have to have been overtly abused to have some kind of hurt inside that causes this kind of thing. I noticed that you declined Sarah's offer of a free book on the basis that you do not deserve anything for free. I hope I am not intruding by saying this, but I wonder why you think you are not deserving. And I wonder if anorexia could be a metaphor for you. Do you feel that you do not deserve to be fed? Many things other than beatings and incest can make a person feel this way inside. You know what I think (besides that I might be too nosey)? I think it would be a wonderful first step to accept this gift from Sarah. She wants to give you something because she likes you and thinks you are deserving. I happen to agree with her. Please, WS. Reach out and accept some nourishment from someone who recognizes that you are deserving of love and gifts. I beg you to go out on a limb and do this. Something in my gut is telling me that this is very important. I apologize if this comment is presumptuous and/ or inappropriate. I'm not trying to intrude and of course I don't know everything, I just care about you and I understand the pain of this condition. And I know you deserve to be cared about and I feel it deep down inside. Please reconsider letting Sarah care for you by giving you a gift.

  12. One more thing - Sometimes my concentration is off because of the things I am trying to process and... I confess, I never learned how to work an MP3 player. But someone I love sent me one. I still haven't learned how to work it, but I keep it next to my bed as a reminder that someone loves me and cares about me and wanted to give me something. I don't know if this sort of thing with concentration is an issue for you, but if it is and you are not into reading books right now, the book can still be evidence of love. A gift from a kind friend who understand that you are worthy of love and gifts. If it is a physical book, you can keep it in a place that will remind you that you are worthy of care and gifts. If it is an e-book, you can download it and put it with your icons so you see it every time you fire up your computer. Just a thought.

    Hang in there, WS. You are worth every effort.

  13. Dear Ethereal,
    I understand your words about "trauma" but I can't accept much at the moment and your kindness and your thoughts made my eyes a little blurry because, even though I acknowledge the theoretical 'correctness' of your words, I cannot for the life of me bring myself to allow any action.
    I love it that you accepted the mp3 player (and I so wish I could come over and teach you the joys of working them!!).
    You are SO spot on identifying the fact that I can't even read right now. More than that though, I know that my lovely blog friend Sarah has, like you and others here, suffered things that nobody should ever have to witness, let alone bear. Her courage and bravery are incredible and next to her, and survivors like you, I stand in tattered shame - Me with my 'loved too much' childhood and my pathetic 'feel too much' victim mentality.
    THAT is what doesn't deserve.
    This being said Ethereal, I am so touched by the time you have given here. Thank you.

    You inspired me to write a post last night. I can't publish it because a part of me won't allow that at the moment. But at least I wrote something.

    And - Do I deserve not to be fed?
    I'll explain that in a post when I can.
    It's more about teaching myself a lesson I think.

    Thank you for your encouragement.
    Thank you to each of you who reads here.