Wednesday, 26 January 2011

Alanis Eat Yer Heart Out

"Isn't it ironic"...
...Alanis appears to state rather than question, which is probably just as well given that her definition of 'irony' sometimes (some lines) seems to be a little dubious (at best).

Semantic inaccuracies aside, she has an incredible voice (and tons of attitude) but the reason why I quote h
er right now, is
that I hear that line playing in my mind as I contemplate posting that today, the mind - cloaking darkness that has more or less disabled me since Saturday, was shot through with a narrow laser beam somewhere high above me.
And I've been like a drowning body who, in the last swelling, slipping moments, finds an air hole in the thick ceiling of ice above.

I haven't even been to work.
Can you imagine? Because I can't.

Today I walked around Ikea buying plates and bowls and other pointless porcelain vessels.
I want to move to my own place.

And all the time the Alanis song was playing.

My ray of light beamed from the numbers on the scales.
Isn't it ironic.
The lower I go, the higher I get.

And, I'm walking around Ikea investing in a future that I am doing my damnedest to end before it has the chance to begin.

Now, Alanis?
THAT'S irony


  1. While I don't think it's ironic, it definitely breaks me heart. I think most people do damage to themselves, but most of it is more invisible than yours. Most people are walking masses of irony. I think you have a future and I believe you want to get better. Some day you will get there. Maybe not today, or tomorrow, but someday! I know I'm just a nobody on the internet, but I am rooting for you and I have faith in you.

  2. Hey Campbell... You're right that most people do some kind of damage to themselves. I guess there are degree of visibility too. I cut in hidden places, others can't hide their scars.
    We're all walking wounded in some way it other. U guess its what they call 'the human condition'.

    You are wrong to say you are 'just a nobody on the internet'. You are a somebody on the internet, and more than that, you are a somebody in this world, and even more than that, you are, I guess, a somebody in MY world and in the worlds of lots of others.

    Sometimes I think we're all more connected than we realise.
    I hope you can feel it a little.

    I am a HUGE Alanis fan - she sings "real".....I am reaching to you, coming to you from here love - it takes me a while given my physical challenges - ironic huh? :-) meet me in the middle, k?
    Loving you forever

  4. You may cut in hidden places, but nothing can hide your self starvation . . . . . . especially the scales . . . . . . .

    Hope you can find your way .. . . . . .

  5. Gail... Love it that you are an Alanis fan... She really IS talented!
    Just cos it's you, I will meet you more than halfway. In fact, don't move... I'm there.

    Anon - It's not the scales... Well, it IS the scales, but.... the fact it can't be hidden is so so so so difficult. I try to wear baggy stuff, but there's a limit to how much baggy HIDES it and how much it does just the opposite...

  6. hearing you my friend, and sending you my love . . . . . . the baggy stuff only hides so much . . . . . . . and it is indeed ironic how what is meant to cloak "it" is the very thing that ends up turning the spotlight on it. . . . . just as you have pointed out . . . . . .

    holding you in heart . . . . .

  7. Because somewhere in there you are doing your damnedest to begin. And you so deserve to. In your corner and thinking of you always...

  8. Oh this self sabotage we are so so good at. Planning a future and damaging it sill. I have learned in therapy it isnt about damaging all over and over again. It is that we act like we have a future. The more we act this way the more the future will get a grip in your thinking. This apparently so unimportant piece of information and inner interaction helped me to see my triggers as my treasures. Showing me the way out of the hell I was living. I think it is pretty normal that you arent working. All of you shows that you need time to tend to yourself. Freom wanting to move out, buying stuff for a own home to not working. Taking care of yourself in a way which might yet not be so appreciated by yourself. I have no doubt that you will pull through. We live our pattern for so many years, to overcome isnt easy. New pattern to install takes time to. Love from my heart to yours

  9. Anon - Thank you.

    Lost - Yes. Perhaps there is something 'somewhere in there', but it feels very hard to find and sometimes seems to disappear completely.
    Thank you for your support.

    Paula - Bless you. You write with such wisdom. You are right about needing time. I'm only just beginning to realise that this whole mess isn't going to go away without a whole lot of very, very hard work.
    Sometimes I struggle to believe that its even real.
    Thank you for sharing your insights.