Saturday, 1 January 2011

New Year

If I had less alcoholic tendencies, I'd have stood a better chance of enjoying the first day of 2011. Sadly though, in characteristic pathetic and humiliating style, I was unable to withstand the temptation of hitting the bottle too hard at a party last night.
My body is not a happy one.

I suppose it could be seen as a fitting way to end a year where my mind and my body have been in almost constant conflict. A year of internal chaos.

Perhaps the battle can be added to the fact that I'm 1) very hungover and 2) half bloody starved, as possible reasons for why I begin this year feeling too weak to even get up today.

Unspoken words lie like bricks inside me. To actually write them would be exhausting.

Therapy breaks often leave me in a sort of blogging limbo, although this one hasn't been too bad.
I was comforted that the woman didn't seem to want to leave me. She even made sure I had her email, although I think she knew I'd never use it.
Boundaries keep me safe, even if they also keep me in isolation.

I feel as though I should probably have all sorts of resolutions but in all honesty, I feel too tired and, rather embarrassingly, too hopeless.
It's been tough enough resisting the urge to entitle this post: Same Shit, Different Year.
(Does anyone else remember that trend where nearly every cynical, smart ass person they knew had a tshirt which declared 'Same shit, different day'? )


  1. I find New Years Resolutions a little...hmmm irrelevant I guess. I don't think you need a new year to make a resolution. I think that just sets people up for failure. Resolve to change when you are ready and when you really want to and not just because it's a New Year. Sometimes we need to hang onto our coping mechanisms for a while longer. Trying to change before we are ready just makes things worse, at least for me. Having said that, I hope 2011 brings you good change, happiness, and health.

  2. HI WS-if you get a chance to go over to my blog I wrote about no resolutions, or expectations but perhaps some hope. Go take a peek if you can.
    I haven't had a hangover in decades -phew, but I remember how horrid they are. So ya, rest and rehydrate. the following line from your post hit me so hard - "Unspoken words lie like bricks inside me."

    I remember feeling that so well, so heavy, so real, and so much so that I would dream I was choking on cement coming up my throat!! Can you even imagine??
    So lets just keep on keepin on as best we can - I love you a lot and I want to be with you through it all.

  3. I have never done resolutions. Deep down I know if I make one I will not keep it. I'm glad the women showed that care for you. As hard as it is I hope you will be able to speak those unspoken words. I know hard but..
    You are in my thoughts. x

  4. Happy New Year, WS. It’s ok to wish, at least (I hope).



  5. Hello my friend . . . . . I miss talking with you . . . . . .

    Sometimes, I feel like I hear your unspoken words, but in reality, that is likely a projection, and I am actually hearing my own . . . . . . causes me great worry in deciding what to say or whether to say anything at all . . . . . .

    yes . . . . . a new year . . . . . . and I am wishing that you feel a bit of happiness in it at some point . . . . . "Same shit, different day" :) Yes, I remember the tshirts, bumper stickers, coffee mugs, etc . . . .and in hearing the infamous statement again, I am reminded of the depths of truth in such simple language . . . . . we all have "shit", don't we? Some of us have more than others, no doubt, but none of us are immune . . . . . . .

    I ask myself, what can I do to change the statement to "different shit, different year" . . . . . . and I find part of me screaming . . . nothing . . . not a damn thing I can do because I cannot change others . . . . . . and for me, others cause much of my daily stress . . . . atleast that's what I want to claim . . . . . but I can see how my responses and interactions (or lack of) with others (self included) also play a part in it all . . . . and I am rattled at the thought that changing "me" may be the very key to make the the shit "different" and no longer the same . . . ( fucking therapy!);) . . . . and of course, those thoughts are followed with a relentless flooding of all the reasons why it just won't matter . . . . what I do works for me!! is all I want to declare . . . . . . so I go on doing it "my way" . . . . . which often ends up hurting me in the same ways I perceive others do, or in the same ways I see them hurt themselves . . . . . maybe it is kind of the same for you sometimes? . . . but I know for me, it only adds to my shame and further self punishment . . . . . . damn it for not being easier to change what I am able to "see" . . . . . and it is hard not to get stuck in the why bother? mode . . . . . . I am betting that you "get" that at some level . . . . . . .

    Yes, a new year . . . . . . . and I suppose that we do have some degree of control, though that "control" may not be "where" we would be prefer it to be . . . . and I hope all this makes some kind of sense . . . . .

    I think about you often, and always keep you in heart . . . . with much love . . . .


  6. One thing I have learned is that no resolution... no matter what time of year it's made is going to be accomplished unless one's emotional health is where it needs to be to accomplish that resolution.

    The only resolution I've made - and I made it months ago - was to get my emotional health closer to a place where I can start accomplishing some of the things that I want to accomplish. Sometimes I lose patience with myself but then I remember that it took me a long time to get to this place of emotional un-health and so it will take more than a few weeks to rebuild and come back stronger.

    I think a good comparison exists between emotional/psychic strength and physical strength. In order to build muscle tissue we have to first tear it down by means of placing stress on it (e.g. by weight-lifting) in order to tear down the existing tissue so that when it heals and starts to rebuild itself it comes back stronger than before.

    Emotional strength works the same way. It has to be first torn down and to be sure that leaves us feeling weak and vulnerable, even raw at times. But when it starts to heal itself it will regenerate differently and stronger.

    It is promising that you were comforted by your therapist's concern for you. Seems to me there was a time not long ago when you might have been fearful, even repelled by that.

    Emotional strength oftentimes comes in ways we never could have imagined yes? I find that idea intriguing, even exciting at times.

    Keep going.


  7. It's late here and I start back at work tomorrow after the Christmas break so please forgive the brevity with which I write but I did want to respond... Just to say -

    Campbell - Thank you for your wise words. You are so right.
    I was reading about your Christmas as you were leaving your comment here (I think) and I have to say that I smiled as you described the feeling of belonging on Christmas Day.
    Happy New Year.

    Gail - I can well imagine that dream... I suffer with emetophobia which may tie into all this somewhere (and is also ironic given recent ED behaviours).
    Thanks for understanding.

    Lost - Thank you. I keep you in mine too. Hope the return isn't too tough...

    Faith - It's ok to wish. A small part of me may even hope... For you too.

    Lis - It's good to hear you. I haven't checked the forum for quite a while now but out of sight doesn't mean out of mind...
    I so understand the frustration you express and wish that this year would bring you some relief from the pain you carry.

    jss - Thank you for sharing your thoughts. You are right of course, it takes time to get healthy and I hope that this year brings you ever closer to that goal.
    You pointed out something about the woman's concern being comforting... and you're right. I only realised after I'd written it and had intended to do another post about it.
    So perceptive jss - as usual!

  8. I can relate to being afraid to hope for a better year. Healing is slow and painful. It is so much work. Wish peace and healing to you my friend.