Wednesday, 18 November 2009

Kindness Like Water

The other day my therapist said she didn't know whether to wrap me in cotton wool or bubble wrap to keep me safe.
I was fuming and something inside me tried to crawl to the furthest corner of my insides; a frantic retreat from her kindness.
Images of barbed wire piercing bubble wrap flashed through my mind, followed by the most vivid recollection of this scene from The Wizard of Oz.

At first I thought it was my therapist. Nice...
But no.
The witch is something in me and the water is kindness and VALIDATION.

If I let it soak me, I think I will melt.

Positive, you may think, given that the witch is after all, The Wicked Witch Of The West. But, truth be told, that part of me is desperately frightened of being melted.

Being heard is harder to swallow than being dismissed.
I find more pain in the kindness.

A watery war is being fought inside me somewhere. I don't want it to touch the wicked witch of the west, and yet I know that the witch is the villain of the piece.


  1. Praying for you and with you,

  2. Funny I was just watching this movie the other day, for the 400th time and contemplating the difference in the experience that is watching it as an adult vs. my rememberance of the experience of watching it as a child. I can unequivocally say that the Wizard of Oz is one of the best movies ever made, or perhaps I should say it is one of the best books ever written. Either way.

    You won't melt. Permit one tiny drop to hit you when you're ready. You won't melt. I promise.

  3. Hi-
    Excellent insights - but that's no surprise. You have excellent intuitions. I really love how you used that scene to describe your feelings about kindness and how you believe it wil melt you. I have no reply that makes sense. :-) Except to say that you have received kindness here, on your blog, and you are still here ever vibrant and real and hanging tough despite it all. One drop at a time, as said above by jss, "one tiny drop at a time......"

    Loving you

  4. Thank you.
    Andrea. I'm such a poor Christian tht I woud be ashamed to call myself on these days, but your prayers mean more than I could tell you. x

    JSS - It's funny that you were watching it the other day. It's been a ong time since I've seen it and yet, the scene was vivid when I was sitting in that room.
    One drop at a time... feels a little like torture and it's not really ME that I think will melt but a part of my defences... my spikes I guess.
    Thanks for the promise. I'll be holding you to it... x

    Gail - Thanks. Thank you for not making something up when you don't have a reply. I love your genuineness... your honesty.
    Yes. I'm still here! It feels amazing to me too and I must be honest and admit that I set up another blog where nobody knows me and where nobody can comment. I was ashamed to come here and write when I felt really bad. I was frightened of people's disgust, judgement, false impressions of who I am etc...
    I have now decided that running away to a more silent blog is not really particularly hepful and it reflects many of my difficulties with 'being known' so am trying to either write here or just in a journal.
    Thank you for your constant support. x

  5. wow. what a great imagery on your post. I noticed your comment to Andrea that you feel like a poor Christian. I can so relate to the many times I felt nothing like how I should have been as His child. He loved me no matter what. He waited...never forced me to be anywhere I couldn't....It took a long time. I'm not there yet but I'm not where I was. He is the best...I don't know how He did what He did in my life but I know He ain't letting go of you ever. I keep thinking of that scripture. "He who began a good work will complete it..." I'm not sure if I quoted it right but keep having your voice. In your corner. Sarah

  6. HI_
    I think it is really amazing that you have realized the benefit of writing here as opposed to the other blog where no one could comment. It is progress for sure. :-) I understand so well fearing what others will think - and I believe that it is part of the journey to self to go through that - I was of that mind set and determination for quite some time.
    I will tell you that I am not of that mind set any more. It took me about three years to even begin to let go of what others thought and I am not sure when but some few yuears after that I didn't give a hoot any more. I was me, whatever happened was part of me and I stopped defending, explaining, and could 'share' without fear - in fact - I felt badly for the poor souls who didn't "get it"!!! :-) In other words, there was something wrong with them, not me!! Quite a turn around, huh?
    I am thinking of you and just how brave and amazing you are - stay in the light where you can be seen as best you can. And I swear, there will come a time when you wont want to hide. I swear.

    Love to you